Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I sure love the rain.

I'll call him RAIN.

How he pours outside on a supposedly typical day, I swear I don't wanna look right behind the curtain. I'm hearing every drop, and every drop reminds me of him. It was a cold stormy day as I sit in front of the computer. I am here for work, not for another nostalgic moment. I've thought too much, felt too much, dreamt too much that I wish I could just forget. FORGET - because everyday and every night I seem to remember.

I hate Greenwhich, I hate McDonald's, I hate the butterfly garden and La Vista resort. I hate Pasonanca, I hate myself for not hating him.

I'd rather go shopping. Ö lol.

I am... trying to forget and to hate.

It's not you, it's me. I'm broke, I'm incomplete. Damn reasons. I'm broke and incomplete too, I'm rotten, I'm worse than you.

I will wish for a star to fall in one of Pasonanca's hill tonight to ask for a miracle - forget teh rain.

The rain never failed to fail me. The rain fulfilled the prophecies of people around me - those that he thought hates him.

I am writing to keep me sane. After all that has happened, I sure love the rain.

But it could be just a waste of time. It's okay, still okay.. I think.. Love is never really wasted when you give it away, it is wasted if it is kept.

I'm so pathetic, so masochistic, so stupid. Stop it Jet, stop it. But I'm 90% okay and I'm contented with it. It's gonna be okay as they say "there's a rainbow after the rain". I am hopeful.. I love rainbows too..more than I love the rain.

It's his birthday tomorrow. And... it will be just another typical day for me. I hope it rains.


Please feel free to browse my other blogs. :)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I lost my cp :P (MSPaint)

What’s new? Nothin’ really, it’s a normal for me to just gust off a cellphone. Actually, it’s normal for me to lose anything, even everything. I lost my only usb, my most favorite bracelet that Randy gave to me, lost all of my earrings, lost the people that I wish would stay, lost my senses, lost my self. (wait, it’s getting too far :P).

My precious, half – alive, old modeled, Nokia cell phone: goodbye. It’s hard to accept that I lost it, I just lost it. I’ve been loving it for so long.. but now, I lost it. It’s the longest cp that ever stayed in my hands. What’s more miserable is that it’s my grandma’s cp that she gave to me last January 2008 because I don’t have one because I just lost one and my parents won’t buy me one and I don’t have money to buy one. XD.

So what now? Move on. Cellphones just come and go. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to keep something, or someone, you can but just lost it. It’s inevitable, I say. XD

For those who wants to contact me, please refrain for a while. Imma buy a new one after I receive my salary at teh end of the month. Darn, I’ll be buying an old Nokia model so that it won’t hurt that much if ever I’ll lose it again. XD

I am still hopeful that I could find it, that it will come back to me O_O

Featured song: In Loving Memory -by Alterbridge
(this song makes me sob a hundred times)

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will


And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Did GOD created evil? Is He in hell too? We humans can but give our mundane opinion. Who really knows by the way? I'm so sick of opinions about this topic, so sick of hearing tormented souls and 'i-was-enlightened' people debating.

May it be right, may it be wrong, may it be debatable, I just want to share this video. I don't care if it was really Einstein, don't really care if it's fallible. One thing's for sure - this made sense to me. But still I'll look for something that will reprove this until I cannot reprove anymore. Watch it for yourself.

Does God exist? Does Evil exist too? Did God created evil? Is He evil too?

I am so inspired with the things that I've read today. Maybe this will be the start of teh real moving on. I hope so. I just want to restart. I don't want to hope that there's such thing as someone that'll save me. Maybe.. I'm the only one that can save myself. I wanna puke. I wanna forget.

" from all of us at Aerosmith, to all of you out there wherever you are, remember the light at the end of the tunnel may be YOU, good night" - Amazing by Aerosmith

To all of you at Aerosmith:

perhaps you are right.

Monday, September 21, 2009

you are the only one that really stayed, Miggy


There's Something Aching Inside of Me

I wonder what it is. So I put my left hand on the middle of my chest and feel the beat, but it's not that something. I also put my right hand on my back to feel the intake of every air, but it's not that something too. I feel my thighs, my arms, my head... They're not aching.

So I sigh..


Maybe it's because of the new bra.

** you cannot feel the
soul through your hands..

SOME of the contents of my previous posts were lies (I am a certified liar), written by a pretentious sober soul(I'm a great pretender) that haunts me today, making me sick all over. I don't want the world to know I'm broken..wait..I don't feel broken after all.. Uhm.. I don't want the world to know I'm sad and frustrated and depressed and.. and... etc.. lol..

I wanna thank Collective Soul for making me feel better.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I am not a genie but how I'd love to grant ALL your wishes.

drawn in MSPaint

"Wake Up! He's not worth it!"
I've heard this line from my girl friends a hundred times already. They always say that I always choose the wrong person to love. But is there such thing as "wrong person"? Is there such thing as "the right one"? I believe that my love would make them the right one and my love would make them worth it.

Let's remember, God loves us so much even though we are NOT WORTH IT. Not because of, but inspite of..

Now I feel sorry for myself for I am feeling I am falling away from God. I doubt His existence (again) and question the things that "He could've planned ahead for me". I have a lot of "what if, if, if, if He's existing, if He's not then why...blaaaaaa....)

I have only two options: to believe in Him or to cease believing. If I do, it gives me even the slightest comfort, if I don't it makes me feel more lost. So I'll choose what makes me feel better.

I don't know, I am just so lost. I cannot make this on my own, I cannot find the way home alone. I was damaged by the fall, but, still, here I am, feeling stronger, I must be invincible.

I am still keeping my roots firm, these roots are planted in the hands of God. He's the only One that I could ever trust. I cannot even trust myself! Humans - they are all broken and blind. Angels - not sure of them. Evil - never mind. I don't know.... *sobs... I don't know... Still, I pray...

God doesn't command what he hates to do
But why does He let these things happen to me? I'm not Job.
Are you sure He let these things happen to you? Or you invoked these things?
These happenings will make you stronger.
I am strong! What now? Do He want me to give up?
No. He wants you to hold on.
I am holding on! What now?
There's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Liar. The rainbow doesn't have an ending.
O_O .... blaa .. bla...


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

(Figuring it out - shot taken years ago)

They say wait for him, wait for it,
others say you just have to make a move.
As for me, I am waiting
And searching
At the same time
For someone
That would not just tell me
Things I'd love to hear
But for someone
That can truly save me
That can truly save my life.
I cannot make it alone.
I am so lost
in my own home.


Friday, September 11, 2009

Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Luke 6:39-42.
And he told them a parable, "Can a blind person guide a blind person? Will not both fall into a pit?
No disciple is superior to the teacher; but when fully trained, every disciple will be like his teacher.
Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own?
How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me remove that splinter in your eye,' when you do not even notice the wooden beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter in your brother's eye.

I partially agree with the gospel above. Sorry, I might sound bad but this is my opinion. I know I'm stubborn ;P . Oh well, "Can a blind person guide a blind person?". I dunno. But I always thought of - if they are both blind, and they are in-love, they could find their way together and help each other see. Together, they will develop their potentials and will try hard to remove their blindness. Together, they will succeed, together, they will fly.

Hay.. I've been searchin for "relevant materials" these past days. They say that they found peace and contentment with God, that everything has a purpose, that everything's going to be hoookay. Until now I search for the meaning of all these, for these happenings depress me bigtime. I searched for the promised light, I cannot see, or am I blinded already because I always see that light? I mean, I am used to the concept of Christianity and Catholicism already that it made me feel lost in my own home. O_O

Oh, snap...

Whatever.. I know... I will always love what I repeatedly hate and I'll always find what I always tend to lose - myself.

*grasps breath

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Drawn in MSPaint

I find it hard to focus on things. I always catch my self staring blankly at almost everything. Everynight I dream of him, literally! He appears on my dream EVERY NIGHT for more than a month now. What's wrong? I always think of him, every day, every moment I remember him. But I do not love him no more. Do I? I don't know O.o Is it guilt or something? Or someone's cursing me? Doing some voo - doo stuff? Why is this? I am used with break - up, it 's a normal scenario for me coz I don't stay long in a relationship. It wouldn't hurt me that much anymore. I am not hurt anymore, it's just that I wonder why he keeps on appearing in my dream and why something's bothering me, something that I do not know O.o

My mood swing is getting worse, I'm losing my appetite. I tend to vomit more often now, my sickness returned. Those bloods keep on spilling again. I don't wanna see my friends, I don't wanna talk to my brother. I'm so disturbed. I need a psychologist but I do not know where to find one. I could ask my ex though where's his psychologist but he doesn't wanna talk to me ;P

Now... what now? I'll go back to work.. as if nothing is happening inside me, as if nothing, nothing bothers me.



Monday, September 7, 2009

drawn in MSPaint
This is for no person in particular, I just love the idea it brings :)



So it was really you, the guy that's full of hate,
the guy that's so bored with this life, the guy that I loved.
You are someone that's afraid to trust yet so eager to start to,

Someone that's sick of this life yet eager to enjoy every second,
You are someone like me,
You are someone that I used to love.
You are someone that pretends to be strong,

Although I know you are and you could be.
Someone that says "I'm used to pain"
But every slice kills you, unlike me.

Someone that's so hypocrite,
So stubborn, so poor,
Someone different, no one else is like you.
I wanted to be like you.
I never meant to change you
Because I accept you for who you are, for who you were
But I cannot accept the possibility
that you end there,
that you would just end there.

You are someone that's meant to fly
So how come you keep on crawling?

C'mon stupid caterpillar, it's time to make cocoon.


Thursday, September 3, 2009

drawn in MSPaint

I listen to every word you say
I hear the voice that calls me at night
But it wasnt you, it was me,
Im calling myself to do something right -
To give up the fight,
I should give up the fight.

I just wanna fuckin hate you
But every hurt you bring wont do
I'll do anything to just feel better
This may mean everything, everything.
why cant i fucking do?
why cant i hate you?

Tell me once again
Things that's easy for you to tell
Close the door, shut to my face,
Hurt me more, just hurt me
But I cannot hate you,
It's something I cannot do.

Don't worry I don't love you
Like I loved you yesterday
My life wont stop without you
Neither will it be better if you're here
Im just waiting for these feelings to die
The natural death.

Give me time to deal with these changes.
I just lost my 99.9% when I lost you
So don't think it'll be easy.
Dont worry Im not coming back
Just to feel you pushing me away.
Why cant I be so mad...?