Sunday, October 25, 2009
I'm here again, re-visiting my self - made town. This is where I feel cold, this is a dungeon, but in most ways this is where I feel home, I feel safe. I'm making a cocoon, planning to completely lose myself.. because I feel that when I do, that's the only time I get the chance to find it.
P.S. Haven't heard from him for a long time now. Maybe that will be our last conversation. Everything's got to change for him already .. and I -- am going nowhere.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
2nd of October 2009, the rain is pouring hard outside as I sit inside a bar with a bottle of Red Horse stallion at my hand. My friend, seated next to me, received a text message that she immediately handed over to me.
"I'll call you", the message read. "ok" I replied.
With less than a minute, he called. I went to the comfort room to receive his call; I don't want my friends to overhear our conversation.
We talked over the phone as I watched my reflection at the huge mirror infront of me. We chatted, basically he was just asking me how was I, how was the school, and other casual things. I told him I lost my phone and won't be having one for a longer time. I also asked him how he is since it's been flooding in Metro Manila recently .. if he's been affected by the calamity .. if he's okay. I'm glad he is okay. After about a quarter of an hour talking, he opened the real topic to be discussed, his real reason for calling.
"I want to marry you.." he said calmly.
I kept silent, thinking if I heard it right.
"What?" I asked, for him to repeat it, for me to be sure of what he said.
"I said I want to marry you.."
I laughed... or if it is what you call it. "So you're taking your jokes to the next level, huh?" I said, smiling at myself in the mirror.
"No, Jet, I'm serious, you know what I've been feeling for you.... now.... I want to marry you... I'll be there in Zamboanga tomorrow to ask you personally"
"You must be kidding"
"No, I'm not."
"Okay then, I'll just wait for you tomorrow... if ever you'll be here..."
I wanna hang up but he still said something that I overheard because I was hearing the sound of the pounding of my heart.
"I'll see you tomorrow, "
He's crazy, I said to myself.
I went back to our table where my friends were happily singing and chatting. They teased me for the call I just received, I acted like it was nothing, I acted like the call was really really really nothing. I looked outside the glass window, it's still raining hard outside.
3rd of October 2009, about 12 noon, I went to the time record area of employees near the gate of the school to time - out. Saturday is just a half day work for me. When I looked outside the gate I saw him standing there. He is outside Trebor/ Roberts, a store infront of the gate 2. He stands there, as he usually does when he was still studying here. He looked at me, stared at me, I heard him say "come..." but I did not see his mouth opened.
I went to him, how nostalgic, after almost 4 years we saw each other again. This will be the 2nd time we'll talk personally.
"Let's have our lunch" he said, I just nodded.
We went to Chinitos, a restaurant infront of the school. I thank the Lord that there are only few people there. We seated at the isolated part of the resto.
I looked at him, he looks at me. I know he wanted to start talking, I know he wanted to start explaining. I am afraid that he won't, that last night was just a joke.
"Jet...." he said.
Urgh.... His manly voice awakened my senses, like an aroma, like a relief from the long winter I've been to.
"Jet..." he repeated.
"Whut?" I said.
"I want to marry you"
"Yeah, as what you said last night"
Silence.. pondering thoughts, is this real?
"Why?" I asked.
"Because...." he said.
1 second 2 seconds 3 seconds 4.. 5.. 6.. 7...
"Because I love you.." he continued.
"Really, huh...?" I said, smiling.
"You don't believe me?"
"I do ... believe... "
Then silence was over us. I didn’t look at him because I know he’s looking at me. I cannot bear to see his eyes.
"Let's get married." He said again. He said it with a tone that’s more than of a please but less than of a beg.
"I am not even your girlfriend.. then you're asking me to marry you? How do you expect me to react?"
"You don't have to be my girl friend to marry me, all you need is to be my fiancée.."
"You don't even know me!"
"I know you.... Jet, I know you that's why I fell in love"
"YOU KNEW ME. The Jet that you knew is long gone. I am not who I was 4 years ago."
"You are still you, the same smile, the same voice.. Though you looked prettier this time, I must admit"
"Oh nose..." I said with a sigh.
Then he was interrupted as our order arrived. We ate right away and diverted our topic to the “less important ones” - what we were up to the previous years, etc. I learned that he never had a girlfriend after his relationship with one of my closest friend before, after they broke up.. that was 4 years ago. How amazing we have kept our communication amidst the distance and time.
Desert time.. and I wanna desert him.. I wanted to go home, wanted to feel the rain falling on the roof as I lay in my bed, day dreaming.
He repeated his proclamation of his intention to marry me.
"But why?" I hastily asked.
"I already told you...."
"No, tell me why.. I know that's not the reason, well, maybe one of the reasons but I know that's not the major reason..."
"What? ... you ... that... That's the real reason, the major reason … but… not the only reason....."
"Okay, so tell me what it is."
He looked at me, I looked at him, he could barely move his lips to start to talk again.
"I am... Well... my mom...."
"My mom wants me to marry some other girl immediately, you know, parental.. uhm.. culture, religion.." He said. He said that with a relief but twice as much pain in his face. He’s a Muslim by the way and it’s common to them to be betrothed.
*Silence..... *Then there were tumbleweeds.. woooshh..... wooshhh.... then another tumble weed.. woooooooooooosssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
"Jet?" he called out to me.
I have to tell him this, I said to myself so I started talking.
"You know it just hurts. You want to marry me because you have to, you don't love me..."
"You know I do! I've been telling you that for years!"
"You've been telling that as a joke -- for years!"
"It's true.. It's ..."
"You don’t really love me. You want me, you need me, but you don’t love me"
"Why do you say that? I... I ... I wouldn’t want to marry you if I don’t love you!"
"Yeah, let's say that you love me, but you didn’t even ask if I love you, you didn’t even ask how I feel for you."
"I know you feel the same... If you don’t then you wouldn't be here"
"I'm in-love with another man .. no... guy.. he's still a guy... I'm in - love with another guy. I am... in - love .. with another guy.."
DARN. I couldn’t believe I repeated that hurtful statement for three times, it's like stabbing him that much too!
He is surprised, looked at me like he realize he doesn't know me anymore, like he never thought I would fall in - love for someone else. Could he blame me? I never said I love him. I want him, I've been wanting him for so long ... But I don't even know if I could love him, if I would ever fall in love. How could I explain that he was so stupid believing he's got a hold on me!
Silence. Total doom. It just hurts because I can feel his burden in his aura, and I refused to ease his pain. Me -- the one that he thought would save him, just stabbed him three times and more.
"You know.. You're old enough, you don’t have to marry that girl because your mom wants to.." I said, trying to atleast calm the situation.
"No... You don't understand.." He said, looking down at the melting ice cream.
I think I do understand, somehow but not completely. I saw something in him that wouldn’t want him say “no” to his mother. More than fear, he feels respect, more than respect, he feels LOVE - love to the very woman he trusted for all of his life, the very woman that would love him for all of her life too.
"I... I am sorry...." I said softly, looking at him. He looked at me and I saw in his face that he's bothered by the look of my eyes. He thought that I would be crying.. but .. no... I won’t shed a tear. My tear ducts were over used for the past months, they are malfunctioning now. I told him not to worry because I always get those teary eyes but that doesn’t mean I’ll cry.
We talked, he explained.
He is persuading me.
"You don't understand.... What you're offering me is a wedding." I said, softly but firmly.
"Are you afraid to get wed?"
"NO. But you see, I DO NOT WANT A WEDDING, I WANT A MARRIAGE AND IT'S SOMETHING YOU CANNOT GIVE TO ME RIGHT NOW"
He is stunned.
He knows this ain’t going nowhere.
For hours we were there, talking, like strangers in the dark that finally found a light, but also found out that the light was just coming from a cigarette.
I won’t let me burn us; he is still special to me in any way.
"I want to go home" I said.
"Home! Home... Where is your home? Come with me in Manila, that’s where your real home is.."
"I want to go back to my boarding house"
"I know you will just get bored there... Bored - ing house ... Let's roam, I know you want to see the sea.."
I was like, "wtf?!!!". How did he know I wanted to see the sea? I can't remember I've said it before to anyone else, not even to my friendly wall (my blog is a friendly wall).
I agreed to go out with him, to the sea. As I was in his car, as we were about to go, I asked him "Did you really know that I wanted to see the sea? Or you just guessed it?"
"Actually, I just guessed it..." he said smiling, a sly smile in his lips. Then the engine started.
What an intelligent guess.
We spent the rest of the day together, getting to know each other, talking about places, animals, names, things, and scores(you know) - PANTS. (Rar.. never mind..)
It's almost 10 in the evening of the same day when I got home. Before I totally turned my back away from him to walk into the dark, heading to the boarding house, he said:
"I know you wouldn’t change your mind now. I hope we could do this again, talk for hours, together, just the two of us. Jet, please remember that I'll be loving you... until when - that I don't know..."
DARN!!!! I wanted to cry. Hearing him say those words is like reading his farewell letter!
"Goodbye," I said with a smile.. He smiled back without saying a word. I turned my back and started to walk, looking at the reflection of the moon on the wet ground. I know he is still there, looking at me because I did not hear him drove off.
He was there.. looking at me walking away from him, I said goodbye without even saying hello. He looked at me until his line of sight cannot reach me anymore. Then he drove off.
(*Sigh...) I will surely miss that MAN. I hope his hopes will be fulfilled. He could be the one that won’t try to hurt me. But I just can’t seize him with a lie. I don’t wanna use him just to have somebody by my side, but I don’t wanna lose him… Urgh.. Now... I am even more confused with life... But I know my decision was right.. it WAS right.
- jet MUSIC
- I am jet (not my real name) from the Philippine archipelago, currently no permanent address. I write, i draw, i color, i love art&music, i paint in mspaint, i love ideas, please feel free to share yours with mine \m/ i love my fiance, Tiani, so much.
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