Losing Control

**all images are made by me***

There are lots of f**king things that people could lose control of. Name one? No, name hundreds - hundreds of them. I'll name some, you continue with the rest. *wink

Well, actually I decided to make this post because recently I am losing control of most of the things I should never lose control of. *sigh sigh sigh.

To start, my top one: cigarette smoking.

Last week I feel tensed because of some things in life (bla bla shit happens) so I decided to puff. "One cigarette a day keeps the tension away", I said to myself. The following days, I found myself looking for cigar already. I've been feeling that I-need-to-smoke feeling again. I used to smoke before but then I needed to stop because my lungs can't take it. I pity myself for always coughing blood that time. "I swear I need to stop", I said to myself 3 years ago. But now...I dunno.. I am drawn to Mr. Marlboro again. I think this is the consequence of the single puff I did some weeks ago. *sigh. What really disturbs me is the fact that I'm almost losing my control. Now, will I smoke (and let my lungs suffer) or will I not (and let my body feel super uncomfty)??? - The big question for me.

Top two: coffee.

This has been my addiction ever since the day I tasted a cup of it. I have to control my intake of coffee because it gives me sleepless nights and dreamful day (LOL, daydreaming). Hmmmm.. I drink for about 6-10 cups of coffee years ago. Gradually, due to self control, I lessen the intake into having just one cup a day or none at all. Hmmm.. But then, lately I felt like I want to drink 20 cups a day, that feeling makes me sick. *rawr

Top three: Alcoholic beverages.

Same story as previously stated: been there, then quitted, then I'm back again. I'm loving beer, rhum,etc..etc.. again. I want to feel the feeling of being tipsy again. Worse is, I miss the feeling of being drunk, that state where I hear myself say "I swear I'll never drink again". Haha.. Funny.. people are funny.. haaayyy..


That was all for me folks! I hope I can still control myself from nicotine, caffeine and alcohol intakes. Those were all bad for my vulnerable body,I'm a cursed sickly person. Goodluck to me in my war against myself, against my urge, against my wants. (I wonder how I'll win or lose *wink)

Effects of Nicotine on the Brain - Watch more amazing videos here
(video from Metacafe; http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1143506/effects_of_nicotine_on_the_brain/)

***

P.S.
However, whatever happens, I'm still okay. I have my Zin and that's all that matters.

***

This time, it aint going to be trite

(Title of the image above: The Wall. Yeah, I did it.. I vandalized the wall. )

You

You - electrifies my soul
Awaken my senses
Just the thought of you
Brings back the sensation,
The love - that love
I've been longing for
That only you could give.

Your touch that I feel,
Each time I remember
Those trite phrases
That we love to hear
Nothing else is better
Than you and me, together;
This aint going to be trite.

I was unable to conceal my mirth
The day that you came.
You - You lied when you said
"I am evil, I am evil"
For how come I can see your halo
That surrounds me everyday
Near or far, you stay.

I write, when it rains
And I sing, Coz it shines
And this feeling's so strong.
You - simple as it is,
Complicated as it could be,
I am in - love with....
You

**
[Author's comment: "sobrang cheezy and corny.. hahaha"]
--

How to Add Foreign Key in MySQL Query Browser

-- Begin --

*Prerequisite: knowledge in MYSQL and MYSQL GUI tools especially MYSQL Query Browser (just so you could relate ^^,)

So, have you ever tried using MySQL GUI for structuring your database? If yes, then good for you since MYSQL Query Browser, Administrator, Migration Toolkit, etc. will make your database construction (and destruction) a lot easier than doing it with the console (MYSQL Command Line Client). However, it seems that manipulating foreign keys are harder using the MYSQL Query Browser. Personally, I've experienced a lot of crappy errors while trying to add a foreign key using the Query Browser. (#@*%$&*@#$*&$ crappy s#!t mySQL, are these bugs of the software? wtf?omgggeee!!!) [relax] ... ^^,

I don't know if those were bugs, I haven't asked the developers themselves (i don't have time for that, I need solutions!)

Solution: Follow these steps in adding the foreign key of your choice ^^,
Click the images for a larger view!

1. Open the table where you want to add a foreign key (if you don't know what I mean then you're lost forever here). I'll use or database table 'department' to demonstrate the process. (Aww, I'm so kind.. haha)

2. Add a field that will represent the foreign key in your table. For example, you will add a 'collegekey' field in your 'department' table. (This means that a department belongs to a college). Now, be careful of the data types. Make sure that the data type of the field that you want to be a foreign key is the same as the field that you will refer to.

3. Afterward, select the tabbed pane that says "Foreign Keys" in MYSQL Table Editor.

4. Click the plus/add [ + ] button below.

5. You should be seeing the Add Foreign Key dialog now that asks for the foreign key name. Never mind putting the name as it will trigger error in the process. ( this is not official, I just assumed it based on my experience)

6. In the "Foreign Key Settings Pane", select the "Ref. Table:" drop down list. Select which table would the foreign key refer to. In our case, I chose the "college" table since the college key is there. This is my reference table.
7. Then select the values of the Column and Reference Column into their right content. Be sure that the foreign key in this table ACTUALLY refers to the field in the referred column. You have the option to edit the CONSTRAINTS. (On Delete/ On Update: Restrict/ Cascade/ No Action/ Set to Null)
8. Apply Changes. If error occurs, don't panic, it's just normal. Don't try again by doing the same things you've done in applying the Foreign key constraint because same error will appear, believe me. Maybe you just missed out something here. Try to find the error ^^,


** haaay.. effort.. :D

-- End --

I Love You, My Zin

(The wedding cake of my teacher during the reception where she hired me as a photographer.. haha)

**

I swear I do love you. ^^,

This day is not like the other days of my life. Because this day, I started to trust you, to believe in you, to commit with you. I wonder what lies ahead but I'm not scared anymore as long as you are there for me, as long as your love remains, I am not afraid to take these chances with you. ^^,

Then, suddenly, I found myself singing a song that I do not know. (what?) Haha.. I searched the net about the song and found out that the title is "SUDDENLY" By OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN & CLIFF RICHARD. Well, I think it fits what I feel inside right now. Here's the video and the lyrics of the song:

SUDDENLY
By OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN & CLIFF RICHARD

She walks in I'm suddenly a hero
I'm taken in my hopes begin to rise
Look at me can't you tell I'd be so
Thrilled to see the message in your eyes
You make it seem I'm so close to my dream
And then suddenly it's all there

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

How can I feel you're all that matters
I'd rely on anything you say
I'll take care that no illusions shatter
If you dare to say what you should say
You make it seem I'm so close to my dream
And then suddenly it's all there

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

Why do I feel so alive when you're near
There's no way any hurt can get thru'
Longing to spend every moment of the day with you

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

**
(somewhat cheesy? or corny?
whatever you say, just enjoy the song..
hahaha! I was laughing so hard as I watched this video
haha, old school rocks! LOLz)

***

Happy, Sad, Glad, Frustrated, Anxious, Happy, Sad, Glad, Very Happy

Owkay, enough! Haha.. I was just laughing at myself. Instead of doing my work here, I just wasted my time browsing the net and reading blogs. I couldn't finish a single module! Haaayyyy! What a life. I am so happy, so glad yet so anxious and so sad. I have a lot of things in my head, yet none of them can be contained in just plain words. Ahh! there's one, the financial problem. I hope it'll pass away just like my dog in Manila did. And ohh, I am really tired of this work but I don't want to leave. The CARDS- they kept on warning me, they are cursing me, they are laughing at me! So imma burn them, to hell with them. Goodbye my precious cards. :(
But I'm happy, so damn happy. I don't know where will this take me. To the dungeon again?!!! I don't want to visit that place anymore, don't wanna feel the need to cut anymore! It has been so cold. Now that a glimpse of heat is here, I cannot afford to touch it. Why? Because Im scared, I've been so SCARRED. But then I said to myself, "Kailan pa ako natakot?". No, I've never been so scared. I don't give a f**k, I'm strong, I'm independent, I don't need anyone to be happy, I can be happy and satisfied on my own (what lies you have here, jet?).. But this time....but this time I think I am... SCARED? (What?! you are? wtf?)

Where am I? What am I doing here? Who am I? Who are you? Why are you here? Where will you take me? Why? Why? Is this true? If it's just a dream, it's the sweetest of all. If it'll stop just when I'm enjoying it the most, I'll go back to the dungeon, wishing no prince would ever save me again just to lock me in again. But then Im holding on to all the things he said. Until when would he mean it? I do not know. But it felt so real. If those were lies then, perhaps, lies are true. If I have to take these chances, I want to take these with you.

I'm staring at the monitor, but I don't see it. What I'm seeing is sunset... And.... *secret.. hahaha... Now I'm happy. He's making me feel better. But this sh*t in my head won't leave me. Wtf is this. wtf am I feeling. Wtf is this? Somebody explain.What is this? Innocent heart? I'm not, I don't have that. But...What is this? This is something I never knew before. What is this? What??? Why won't you talk, you d@mN monitor! Talk to me! f**k it, talk to me, I beg you..Where is Miggy? Where are the demm cigars? Oh, sh!+, I think I'm going crazy (again). Somebody stop me.. please..

{Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol}

-- (after this I'll start coding again, promise) --

*

If you Remember Anything

***

If you remember how much you WERE hurt,
Would you still have the courage to love again?
If you said what you haven't said,
Will the words be the same again?
If the rain would pour into your face,
What do you care of?
And why wont you just stop asking
If ever you feel it again..
I LOVED you.

You told me "Past is past"
Okay.. so, if you lose me, you'll never have me back.
You lost me, you'll never have me back.

***

Another Poem.. hmmff..

these are the pix I've edited some months ago..
raarrr... hmmm??

--

All I Know Is

I want to walk along the shore with you
And get lost in the woods
Where no one could find me,
That'll make me come back home.

When you speak I want to hear the things
That you dont say,
Because those are the sweetest
Especially when your eyes prove it.

I want to go to the moon and prepare a place for you
Where we can see the stars closer
And wish that time stops right there
Or let them all fall unto us.

All I know is something I never knew before
It gives a happy feeling, However,
Each tick of the clock took you farther -
a little farther away from me..

[and that was the poem.. boww...
*wonderin where to sleep tonight,
hates the dorm...]

--

I Am Going Crazy

(Title of the photo: Against the All Suns)

--

But of course! Everyone who says they are going crazy are not really going crazy at all.
He's really giving me headache, dunno what's the matter with him. Can't he understand?!
Are guys really like that, huh? Just wanna know why most of them cant get what most of us is trying to say?? Oh well I think I know. I haven't said the things that I want to say. I give him clues though, but I think he cannot decode. I know he's not gonna read this. He's never interested of the things I do. But that's okay.
I'm afraid that I might say "these things" in the wrong time.. so wrong that I will end up losing him. I already told him I don't want to lose him. Demmit. I can't understand.. I can't understand.
I dont want to think too much because it'll give me stress and I might get sick again. It's so sad that he's making me sick than making me well. He's never there when I needed him the most but it's okay as long as I can stand for him just when he needs me the most. Don't tell me I'm losing him. Well I'll lose him because of his selfishness! I guess time will make him realize what he is doing to me. To hurt a simple friend is the worst thing a human could do, what more if it's more than a simple friend? We used to fix things up, but this time... but this time....


--

What I Need

--
I honestly do not know what I need in my f**kin life. haha. But i think I just have to get some rest, vacation. Oh well! Less than two months more before I fly off from this city. I've been counting the days.. But now, uhm? owkay.. I have to rest.

But how could I???
This work wears me off.
And I've got a lot of things in mind.
One thing is about my bestfriend. I don't know why he's like that now. uhm.. i think I know.
I know he wont be able to read this post.
But uhhh..
I don't know.. Something weird is happening to me now.
awtz..
And I.. I'm just too tired. Tired of not knowing something I shouldve known.
tired of these!!!!
Let me get some sleep.

But Im happy.. I am happy about something..
But it scares me mooooorrrreeee... OMG! it scares me... grrrr

Featured song:
Night Fever

You are like this sickness that came to me
That came to me at night
And by the morning I see you
Mourning with the sun's light.

How could it be that the light I see
Is doomed by the darkness of my soul

I dont want to feel this
I dont want to feel this fever
I dont want to feel this
this night fever

All I want to do is
All I want to do is feel this
Fever at night till the morning light
But I'm so scared to feel this.

I composed that sh*t.it's not yet finished, still have to rearrange..

--

Stress: More Dangerous Than Any Killer Flu

-- Not Swine Flu, Not Chicken Pox, but Stress --

I really thought I'm going to die last night. Im serious. My body was burning hell and I don't know what to do. I thought I already have that H1N1 virus or something. Well, I've been coughing blood lately but it's a normal thing for me. But last night..it was my first time to experience such sickness. I couldn't even breathe. I just don't know what to do. I really thought I won't be able to see the sun of May 8, 2009 anymore. Haha.. Now I'm laughing at it.

Then I woke up about 10pm, I texted my mom and said I'm sooo sick. My head is aching sooooo much..as well as my body from top to toe. Demmit. Even if it's hard to move, I got up from bed and drank water and wipe myself with wet towel. After that it's a relief! I've been sweating all over.

I also texted my good friend and told her to contact my parents if I die that night. haha..
Then I knew it was stress. I dunno I just couldnt think of any reason for my sickness. I never felt such thing before, not in my elementary, highschool nor college days. That burning sensation! Awwwwtttzzz.

I also thought of few people in my "almost dying feeling". There are few of them. I thought of my parents, of course, and my only brother. What will they feel if their hope to have a better life would die in her sleep? Lolz. Then I thought of my bestfriend. But of course my closest friends too, the members of Chickz, Pare! Inc. I already told them my death wishes even before. And.. And I thought of those 2 more "significant others". Sayang naman if I'll die. haha

Thank God I was able to woke up. Another day, another challenge for me. I'm not yet feeling good today but I have to go to work..
Last night was memorable, it made me think of the song from Death Cab For Cutie - What Sarah Said.. That love is watching someone die, and who's gonna watch you die?

--

How to wrap the words in JTextArea

Tired of breaking words in your text areas??? You just have to wrap it through this code:

textareaname.setWrapStyleWord(true);

Just insert it! For Netbeans user you have to right click the textarea then select Customize Code then type the line after the declaration of the textarea.

:: info ::
setWrapStyleWord(boolean word)
Sets the style of wrapping used if the text area is wrapping lines.



-- enjoy!