Friday, August 27, 2010


I am not really vocal with my feelings so I put them all into writings. This is my outlet. I have to keep silent about everything that’s been happening. I already surrendered everything to the Lord, whatever happens I am assured that He is in control and I’ll always be pleased with that. I don’t exactly know what’s going to happen, I don’t exactly know what’s happening now but there are FEW things I am sure of. First, I love him. Need I say more? Even though he’s not the first one I loved, I want him to be my last. I know it’s too early to say this, I know there are rooms for change of minds and hearts. But right now I am very convinced that I’ll stick with him and we’ll work this out. Second, I just want to make him happy, to know that he’s happy, to see that he’s happy and to feel that he’s happy. As long as there’s smile in his face, as long as I give him peace that he needs, I will be here. I don’t want to make promises so I think I’ll just prove it. I hope the audience could wait until forever for us to prove it. Third, I don’t want to hurt nobody, but my heart just can’t hold back. It’s just so sad because I know what it feels like. I’ve been there, I felt the same and it felt like hell, I felt total darkness. What’s so sad is when you experience same thing and you realized you nailed yourself into the situation. That is just being so stupid and pathetic. And it’s sad when you keep on remaining stupid, it’s sad when you see people like that. They could’ve accepted everything silently and hopefully rather doing some crazy stuffs. If I lose my temper, it will piss me off.

Am I not being too kind? Am I not being generous? I’m doing my best not to hurt someone and at the same time to make him happy. I bet you don’t know what it’s like unless you’re in our situation. I know this wouldn’t be easy but I’m not one to complain. I love him so much to just give it up, just because these things are happening. This is so strong to just give it up, so real to just waste it all. I don’t want to waste forever. I hope this would end so soon. I am not that troubled with the situation, it’s just that I see all the pain he feels and I know I cannot control those people who inflict pain in him. If I could, I would do anything for them to just leave him alone, for them to stop it because it’s hurting him, for them to just f**k off.They're hypocrites, stupid, selfish, bitches, assholes. Need I curse more?

I am not afraid of anything except God. I am always ready about anything, bring it on. I’m eager to surpass turbulence. He loves me and that’s all that matters. He’s a part of my world, actually the most of it.

We are so eager to shout this to the world. But, honestly, the hell I care with the ‘world’. World means other people around us and I could just care less about them. All I care for is him.  It will take time. I am patient and hopeful. He said that he is, too. We’ll do this for the taking. We can do this.


Sunday, August 15, 2010


Seriously... But not literally. I just wished so.

We can do this. :)


Monday, August 2, 2010


I love it when someone asks me questions I can’t answer. That means there’s a room for pondering again. I think, I just think, pondering will make you a little bit wiser. I’ve been looking for my 1st Break – Up Anniversary letter file in my hard disk. Break - up anniversary! It's such a good idea to celebrate. XD I’m supposed to post it today in commemoration of my endeared break – up with Zin last year. You might ask, “Haven’t you moved on yet?”. My answer is, “I already moved on. Please rephrase your question in such a way that it can be answerable with just a YES or a NO. XD”. I don’t know how to explain this, but the lessons I’ve learned were more than enough for me to give this kind of tribute to him. AND! AND… I realized just now, just this afternoon, while walking my way home, that he wasn’t the one who gave me the lessons I learned. Actually, he, plain as he is, didn’t taught me anything. Who did? I DID. I was the one who realized everything, I was the one who learned through my experience. He was just a catalyst to my learning. And as I’ve read his blog, he never learned anything more than what he thought, what he knows, what he thinks. But it’s no big deal to me. I want to learn from other’s mistakes, from what they did and what they failed to do. System development gave me such thinking.

So where am I now? I don’t exactly know. But where I am now is exactly where I want to be, and I exactly know where I want to go. For months, after the break – up, I’ve been lost, I’ve been changing names so that I could forget myself, so that I could lose myself in order to find it again. For months, after August 2009, I’ve been seeing Zin’s light, the light of a DEAD STAR. For months after that, I thought I could always be there for him, but now I could just care less. For now, I can but just remember. I never regret anything. Moreover, I am thanking him for doing that because it made me open a door for someone really amazing. And as for that someone before Zin, I could just care less too. When I thought I’ll never be over him. It was just the same, everything was the same , they are all the same in such a way that they are all different. They say that looking back will help you see the future. I am clearly looking back now, I can clearly see where I want to go, I clearly know what to do.

So here is my anniversary letter. It may make no sense to him, but hopefully it makes some sense to someone else than me.

And what’s with the title “I smell you”? As I sit here alone in my room, I smelled him. I remembered just how he smelled. As in I smelled him as if he’s just next to me, felt him through the wind. Who’s “him”? He was the content of most of my posts from May this year till today. :D Why, what, when, where or how, pabor, I’m trying to know. What is this? Where am I? I am so stupid not knowing the answers! Whatever is it, let God decide, He is more reliable than anything or anyone in this world.

I do not know.
I lost my belief in love but still I keep believing,
I lost trust in guys but still I keep on trusting,
I’m afraid of giving my heart away but I can’t resist giving,
I always lose in this but still there’s no winning,
I see people fall apart but still I keep on wanting,
I always say “I do not know” but still I keep on talking.
Maybe “I don’t know” means only one thing:
I can’t explain further what I always try to keep on explaining.
Or maybe it means another thing:
I can’t say further than what I keep on saying.
Or another thing:
Please wait until I can articulate what I’m feeling.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Note: I used TAGLISH here. It is a slang ‘language’ which is a combination of Tagalog, our national dialect, and English, the world’s most used language. Why I used taglish? Because I feel that it’s better and funnier to use it for this story than just plain English. Para bonggang bongga, bonggavilla. XD

   Inisip ko if i-post ko 'to...kaso..sige nalang, ipost ko nalang..baka magka-amnesia ako, atleast meron akong mababasa to remind me of something. :)

    I was thinking where to start; maybe I could just narrate the events like milestones. But even milestones aren’t helpful enough to lay the sequence. It happened like this:

    Isang hapon, pagkatapos ng trabaho, napagdesisyunan namin na tumagay sa isang malayong lupain. Eh kasi naman, ewan ko anong pumasok sa isip namin. Basta gow, gow, punta sa malayo, sa may dagat, sa Patalon (it’s like an hour away from the town), para tumagay. Actually, ako, gusto ko talagang gumala at uminom. At kung bakit sa Patalon talaga, ay hindi ko exactly alam. XD

    Hayun, bumili kami ng Tanduay Ice. Well, I’d like to advertise Tanduay Ice, you gotta try it guys. It’s a new product from Tanduay distillers themselves. It’s a drink, containing 5% alcohol that tastes like Sprite with a pinch of Buko juice. What’s nice about it is that you’ll get to enjoy the spirit of the beer without even tasting it. I mean, you can get rid of the bitter tastes of beers. XD. Zalos, located in Camins, sells it for 34 pesos only, while in Catribo, the price ranges from 55- 65. I’m telling this to you so that you’ll be guided. XD

    Teka, where are we? Ahhh.. Yeah, just like what I’ve said we bought Tanduay Ice. After that we drove off to a beach resort in Patalon. I forgot the name of the place though I tried to memorize it. >.<

    Umalis kami sa town around 6pm. On our way, napansin namin na parang uulan. Eh, makukulit na bata kame, gow gow parin. Kahit na tanong siya ng tanong if gow parin, kahit na pinagiisipan ko if gow parin, eh tuloy tuloy naman ang andar ng motor, edi gow parin! Haha. Ano daw? Ang gulo. XD

    Ayun, naabutan kami ng ulan sa daan. Una, umambon, tapos umulan na. Ang kawawang driver basang basa sa ulan. Ako, paa ko lang nabasa, andun kasi ako sa likod nya. XD

    Pero in fairness ang ganda ng papunta dun enjoy na enjoy ako. Ewan ko ba bakit basta nagenjoy ako. Haha. Ewan ko if nagenjoy ba un siya papunta dun, kawawa naman, pagod na nga mag-drive, nabasa pa ng ulan. Alangan ako magdrive eh di nga ako marunong mag bike, motor pa kaya. Haha. Pero sabi niya nagenjoy naman daw siya. Weh? Di nga? XD

    Okay, so there, we arrived in the place gabi na, umuulan pa. Pero naabutan naman namin ang dagat, di naman un tumatakbo eh. XD. When we arrived, someone from the resort went to us to say that they are closed for the night. CLOSED! All caps! Eh ang layo layo ng binyahe namin tapos closed! Haleer, kuya, okay ka lang? haha. I told him na pwede bang pasilong muna kami kasi umuulan. Buti naman, mabait siya at pinayagan niya kami. So okay na.

    Kwento – kwento lang kami dun ng kahit anong bagay na mapag – kwentuhan. It was so relaxing. Idagdag mo pa ang paghampas ng alon sa dagat, ang patak ng ulan, ang malimlim na ilaw na bumabalot sa paligid, at kaming dalawa, sa isang open cottage, umiinom ng Tanduay Ice at kumakain ng Piattos. Ang bongga. Haha.

    Di katagalan ay lalong lumakas ang ulan. Pati upuan namin nabasa na ng ulan. Ayos lang, basa naman talaga kami, este siya pala. Tapos, nagBlack-out. Hayun, binalot na talaga kami ng kadiliman. Di din kami makauwi kasi ang lakas ng ulan. Bonggang bongga. Tawa ako ng tawa. Haha.

    Tinanong niya if may regret ba ako dahil tumuloy pa kami, nastranded tuloy kame. Regret? Ni hindi ko nga naisip un! Tinanong niya din bakit ako sumama sakanya, ganun ba daw ako, basta basta sumasama. Actually, madami  siyang tanong pero di ko sinasagot ng maayos, ung iba. Haha. Di ko alam kung naexplain ko ba ng maayos, hindi talalga ako basta basta sumama unless may tiwala ako sa tao. At hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ako sumama sakanya. Basta ang alam ko, sasama ako sakanya maligaw man kami sa daan, mabasa man kami ng ulan, at kahit alam kong meron siyang masasaktan. Ang bongga, parang tula. XD

    Ay basta, humahaba na ang kwento na to. Nakakaloka kasi. Hindi ko inexpect na ganun kasaya yun. Isipin ko palang na nastranded kami dun, madilim, totally MADILIM, umuulan, basa siya mula ulo hanggang paa, at ako medyo nabasa, napapangiti na ako. Eh kasi ang bongga, parang yung mga napapanood ko sa TV, nung may TV pa kami. Haha.

    Seriously, I had fun, super fun. It’s something unusual. It’s something that happens once in a lifetime. It’s something that I could always remember. :) . Sabi niya sana palaging ganun, na di na matapos ang gabing yun. Sa isip ko naman, sinabi ba talaga niya yun o lasing lang siya? O lasing lang ako? Pero dalawang bote lang naman ininom namin.haha. Sa isip ko, sana palaging ganun, na nakakarelax siya. Actually, sa aming dalawa siya ang mas may problema. Sa aming dalawa, siya ang mas malungkot, na hindi ko alam kung bakit. At di ko alam kung tama ba ako. XD. Pero sabi niya malungkot daw ako kahit nakangiti. Hindi niya din ata alam kung bakit, kasi di ko naman sinabi.

Nung medyo tumila na ang ulan, umuwi na kami. Iniwan namin kalat namin dun. XD.
The only regret I had is that, hindi ako nakadala ng extra t-shirt for him. :D

Nakalimutan namin maligo sa dagat! Pero okay lang. XD