A Few Miles From Myself

Mahirap Gumawa ng Tama

2011-11-29T21:45:00.001-08:00

But ofcourse!

I always knew it, kapag gagawa ka ng tama madaming sacrifices, processes and everything! Mahirap.

I was a contact center agent from somewhere in Taguig when I decided to leave my post for a Change. I did not report for duty for two days mainly because of schedule and location issues. I know it wasn't right to just disappear that way so I (with my fiance) went back to the office to formally resign. However, our team captain said he can't receive and approve our resignation because we should've had 15 - days notice upon leaving. This means we are considered AWOL unless we render 15 days of work. I know I did something wrong but how come that my friend, of the same company, is approved for her immediate resignation?

We could've not wasted our time by going there and filing a formal resignation. We could just disappear but we chose to do it because it was the right thing to do.

This was just frustrating but at the same time relieving because we don't have to commute to work for more than 1 hour a day on a graveyard shift. It was so traumatic. I know, I should have prepared myself because it was a contact center, it's normal to have night shifts, blaa, that I could'nt have the same schedule as my fiance, blaaaa.

Anyway, it's over. We're on a formal AWOL. :P

Kudos to the company and to all of its employees.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Another Great House Design :)

2011-11-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

Source: http://www.clombers.com/house-lighting.html

There's no giving up :)

2011-09-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that I learned from our job hunting, it's NOT GIVING UP on anything you really (really, really) want. We want to land a job where we could work together so we'll stick on it. There were lots of offers, lots of jobs we rejected but those are the consequences of wanting to be together.

Spoiled ice creams (pre - opened ice cream containers) sold in Zamboanga City

2011-08-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

My fiancé and I are huge fans of ice creams especially those in 800 ml containers. We’re always store – hopping in search of ice cream flavors (because one store doesn’t have all the flavors that we want all the time). However, lately, I’ve been losing my freakin’ faith in some grocery stores in Zamboanga City due to spoiled ice cream products we discovered. We found out two stores here that sells pre – opened ice creams. They are: LB Supermarket and Joan’s Pharmacy (Nunez branch). So how did we know that the ice creams were pre – opened? Because, they were.

Once, we bought an 800ml Selecta ice cream in LB supermarket. When we reached home and opened it, we were surprised to see that it looked like, kinda, not normal. There were these weird frozen bubbles inside. It looked like someone had eaten them, failed to finished the whole container and put it back inside the freezer. It looked gross but we ate it anyway because we love ice creams! :P It still tasted good anyway. Days after that, we went back to LB Supermarket to buy again because they have wide array of ice cream flavors there. Before buying, we checked the 800 ml Selecta ice creams, opened them and compared them to each other. Some ice creams are already half the container! Well, I don’t know what caused it but those ice creams are vulnerable, they don’t have safety seal that says “don’t eat if seal is broken :P”.

Then, just last week, we went to Joan’s Pharmacy Nunez ext branch,they have very poor customer service (no offense). We bought a Nestle 800ml ice cream there. We are confident enough that they weren't wrecked because Nestle products are sealed. But, when we arrived home, we found out that there’s something wrong with the seal. It freakin looked broken and re-attached. When we opened the container, there was this same disgusting ice cream appearance. We were so disheartened. Just kidding. We were not just disheartened, we were cursing and delirious. How could they do this to us! Schoopid ice cream! Anyway, we still ate it and still tasted good. But we know it’s only 3/4 of what we should’ve consumed. Anyway, that’s life, we learn lessons from everything. Next time we buy, we know we have to be smarter and check the products first. So, you should do the same. Never trust stores completely. Check the if the seal is broken and expiry date. If the products looked suspicious and busted, drop 'em.

Well, I don’t mean no harm to the stores and brands mentioned above. I just want to share my experience. These things are real, no fabrication, although I cannot present any evidence because the products were already consumed. I am not really sure if those ice creams were spoiled but they just don’t look normal, as in the normal ice creams that we usually buy from other stores.

Anyway, you may buy genuine ice creams from these stores:
Cecile’s Pharmacy (all branches)
Gateway
Mindpro
Zalos

I don’t say that these are the only good stores but these are where we've bought good ice creams.

My future

2011-07-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

For the first time, I'm seeing my future more clearly and more detailed. We will go to the "main land" to work, save money, get married, build businesses, buy our cars and make our dream home. God willing, if these things will go well, the picture above will most likely be the same style as our home's living room. :)

My Tiani's got a blog!

2011-06-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

I'm surprised to know, by accident, that my ever dear loving love has a blog! The blog contains some of the poem he wrote for me. The first poem he wrote was for me but he didn't post it there. You may check out his blog here: http://noobcyclops.blogspot.com/. I didn't think he wants to expose the site because it is like baring him. But what's the point of putting it up there if no one will read it? :P [If he asks me to remove this post, I will.]

I'm so flattered that Xtian made me a poem. You know, he's not the kind of guy that writes about something because he just thought of it. Most writers put up a story because they think it would be nice to do so. Girls write a lot but most of their writings are empty pieces of paper filled with good words scanned from the dictionary aided by the thesaurus. Xtian - he's not a frequent writer, especially not a poet. He's not gonna write it unless he really feels it. What amazes me more is that I'm the the first and only woman he dedicated a poem for.

We're heading one year now. This is my first time to be with someone for a year because I'm the kind of girl that cannot be contained, not until I met him. I want to spend ∞ years with him. I always thought I'll never have it but he came... He came to me like a dawn through the night, shining like a sun. I knew it, it's him. We're grown ups. We know what we're doing. This is not the highschool - college thing. This is real.

Ugh, enough of the drama.

This is the poem he made for me:

To love you,
Is all I want to do.
To be with you,
Is a wish come true.

Been looking for you,
Since day one 'till two.
Met some up to day twenty-two,
But none of them was you.

You're mine now and forever,
I'm with you in whatever,
Let's make this commitment on pen and paper,
With GOD as our witness to keep us together.

This is not our wedding invitation. Though we already finished designing it, I'm not gonna post it yet.

This is one of our design inspiration which is far from the final design we did together.

Wedding at Dawn

2011-05-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, we attended my fiance's cousin's wedding reception. Things went absolutely great there! The wedding and bridesmaid's gown designs are great. Not to mention the lovely theme, yellow, which is our favorite color. The best thing is the TOSS during the reception. Wedding garter and Bouquet tosses are wedding traditions worldwide with different interpretations. That time, the tosses were made by stop - dance. The bachelors (first) and spinsters are called in-front to form a circle and pass around the garter and bouquet, respectively. Whoever holds the garter when the music stops is considered the winner. Well, with fate and destiny amongst us, my fiance got the garter and I got the bouquet, it was the sweetest! I was thinking that it could be a signal to them that we are, really, getting married soooooon. That event excites us to get married really soon. He told me that he wants to get married at dawn, madaling-araw in Tagalog, because it marks a new day, a new beginning for all of us. It was so sweet. But, wait, a 5:30 am wedding? I've got to wake up at 3am! We already have a vision of how it's going to be. All we have to do, first, is tell our parents about it. (It's not like they read my blogs). Then we have to set out the formal plan according to our budget. I'm excited with my gown! Ha!Ha!

Spoiler alert:
Year: 2012
Church: Sinunuc (the glass church above the hill overlooking the sea, isn't it sweet? :D)
Theme: yellow and yellow and yellow and gold :D
Car: Volkswagen White Beetle :D

My fiance and I

---

Realization 'bout B**ches

2011-05-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

This thought just popped out of my mind: I hate b*tches because they have the luxury of doing evil, bad and real stupid stuffs without being mocked because people understand they are born that way and they have to forgive them with it. What's more irritating is that they aint beautiful. I mean, cmon, mahn, fix it.

When I look around me, I see a lot of b*tches. *sighs* It's not like I'm kinda jealous or something. I woe them. Why couldn't they be less irritating? Why couldn't they have proper brains? Oh, snap, sorry for this rant. I may be just another b*tch for some and the chances that they would care if they irritate me is the same as the chances I would care if I irritate them - very slim chance. Anyway, let's go back to what we're doing now. :)

---

Wedding Invitation Teaser

2011-05-24T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm the one who's going to make our invitation cards. I have, like, 5 designs now and none satisfied me so far. Anyway, I've got to browse for more design inspirations. Wish me luck dudes! :)

+++

The Virtue of Chastity

2011-05-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

Chastity is the virtue which excludes or moderates the indulgence of the sexual appetite. It is a form of the virtue of temperance, which controls according to right reason the desire for and use of those things which afford the greatest sensual pleasures.

It's sad to say but the virtue of chastity is the most ignored virtue in the world. Look around you. I bet you know people who's committed to pre-marital sex, there are many of them! (Violations also include pornography, rape, etc.) Just to make my point clear, I don't condemn them. I condemn the sin, not the sinner. I also DONT GENERALIZE. My points are accordance to what I see and those I know.

Lust (or something like it) is a violation of the virtue of chastity. My friend, aged 22 years old, is a victim of this sin. Same story as the rest of the girls I know - they got pregnant before marriage, they didn't get married afterward, they broke up with the guy and the guy didn't support them. Just seeing them makes me wonder why are there still girls who engaged themselves into this situation. I mean, c'mon, be wise. If they really LOVE you, they won't do it to you even before they brought you to Church. That's the teaching to us, be chaste, no giving of virginity until marriage. Love is patient, Love is kind. In doing this, you see that both of you are not patient and the guy is not being kind. He's destroying a very important part of you without Blessing.

Sometimes, I feel pity for their kids. My friends are still young and parenting is something they're not prepared for. I know that because I see and hear their cries. But I also see their immeasurable happiness brought by their babies. Indeed, babies are angels, they are gifts from above.

Anyway, this is just a random rant. Chastity should be practiced by both men and women, it is not just the girl's responsibility. Parents should be the one to inject this value to their kids. They should also be their role model. They should be chaste in their words, actions and even clothing.

Okay, whatever. This is just a random rant brought by immense case of pregnancy - hit - and - run from my highschool batch. There are only about 3 or 4 of us who's, you know, very old - fashioned. But I love it this way. This makes me feel so different from the rest of anyone else. :)

Okay, okay, enough. Enjoy the rest of the day and be chaste :)

Weird ADMU sign

2011-05-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

This is one weird, scary and somehow funny sign from Ateneo de Manila University (ADMU). I don't know exactly where this sign is posted. My Tiani went to ADMU last week for a seminar and saw this sign. I searched over the internet what this sign could mean but I cannot find an article for it. This appears to me as a caution for ghost attack, if not zombie attack. Ha-ha!

P.S
Someone told me that this sign was bought from Australia. I searched the net to know where this sign originated and found out it was a custom - made sign by Humerus, based in California. The sign was primarily made just for fun. It posts cautions for people AND zombies crossing. However, the sign in ADMU gives a (somehow) different message. XD

Why tomorrow is not a day

2011-04-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

Photo sources:

http://imageworldblog.blogspot.com/2010/02/black-roses-images.html &

http://suddenly.webs.com/

Today is April 27, 2011

Tomorrow is not a day. It is nothing. It doesn't exists or even if it does, it will be forgotten like it never happened at all. For four months now I've constantly seen and touched an angel. There's not a day that I don't hold his hands. At night, I held him close to me and whisper to his ears I love him. The reply? It's the sweetest. Tell me how could something exist if it doesn't have an importance? Tomorrow is no importance at all. It will be like a bug on the street that no one notices. It will be like a mosquito that, after a millisecond of landing on my fair skin, will be squashed to death. It will just pass by, motionless.

It will be the day not spent with him, just one day, a 24-hour of agony. It will be dark like a night. The day after that will be dawn... afterwards, sunrise. It will be filled with happiness because I will see him again. That day, I will touch his hair, hold his hands and I will tell him how much I miss him. The very moment that he arrives, it will be noon. The sun will shine up in the sky like how all sunny days are portrayed. Even though it will set, I'll be having no fear of the night because I know that he's here and he will whisper to me words I'd love to hear.

P.S.

Or, perhaps, tomorrow is a lazy day.
No, it's not easy tonight..neither tomorrow night..
I miss him so much.
I love him so much.
From the deepest, strangest and wildest muscle in my heart,
I swear this beats only for him.
xoxo Tiani xoxo

How to control emotions

2011-04-26T01:36:00.000-07:00

This would give you guides on how to control your emotions towards your better-half, friends, office-mates and all the people around you, especially your "boss". The rules of practicing "ugaling langit, ugaling kaaya-aya":

#1 Ang naunang magalit ang may karapatang magalit. Pag naunahan ka na ng galit niya, tumahimik ka na lang muna.

#2 Walang taong nag-aaway mag-isa. Pag hindi kayo sumagot o pumatol, titigil din daw ang taong nakikipag- away sa inyo.

#3 Ang taong galit, 'bingi.' If someone is angry, wala raw pinakikinggan so don't try to explain and fight back. Hindi ka niya iintindihin dahil wala siyang naririnig kundi ang sarili nya.

#4 Ang taong galit, 'abnoy.' Ayon sa pastor, Biblical daw ito because the Lord said when He was crucified, "Father, patawarin mo sila dahil hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa." Modern term for these kinds of people are abnoys, so you better not get angry para huwag kang matawag na abnoy.

You should also know and realize that the persons who make your day bad are jewel, because you need them for you to mature. Hangga't andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa. God will not take away those people; it's for you to take away your bad feelings towards them. You'll know na mature ka na pag dumating 'yung time na hindi ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito because you have learned to accept them and to have patience with them.

#5 Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this

person "I will grow mature" and that DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION NIYA SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD (Hopefully... SOON!)

OUR LIVES

2011-04-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in incarnation and reincarnation? I DON’T. Not until I met him.

Last time we met, he’s got wings and I’ve got roots that were stuck in a muddy soil. They call me wildflower but I didn’t even know what that meant. So there he was, flying from one flower to another. He always came my way but he never stopped to greet me. All I can do is I look up on him as he covered the sun with his beauty. Time passed by and I withered. I have not seen him for a long time before I died and I’ve heard he already went to the next stage, ahead of me. This stage cannot be accessed by any other means but death. So I laid my head back down and surrendered myself to the soil. It ate me but it can’t eat the soul that’s dedicated to him. I promised to myself that on the next stage, I’ll be a good girl so I could gain him.

It was after 20 years or so when I met him again. At first I didn’t recognize because of the absence of wings. We were sanctified member of an eminent colony that gathers 8 hours a day and 7 times a week in a structural box. For some time, we talk, we walk, we chat and we laugh. We do the same stuff such as producing miscalculated artifacts to make people lazy. We make them sit on their chairs as the package we give them will do the work. As time passed by, I slowly realize that it was him. “I finally found him”, I said to myself. This time I could walk to him, I’ve got feet. This time I could talk to him, I’ve got mouth. This time he could look at me looking at him, I’ve got eyes.

I’ve been a really nice girl so now I’ve claimed my prize. He came to me, took me in his arms and declared that it was the greatest day of his life. I told him that every day is the greatest; every day that we're going to spend together would be the greatest. Even the days we'll spend apart would be greatest too, because our bodies may be apart but our souls are tied dedicatedly.

So if you wonder how it came to be? I’ll just say that I’ve been such a good girl and he’s been such a good guy that we are allowed by the Greatest to claim our prize.

Just got my FREE Official Dilbert Widget!

2011-04-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty much addicted to Dilbert comics now. I've been reading strips everyday and have watched its TV episodes that my office mate downloaded. While reading its September 9, 2004 strip this day, I saw a link to Widgets so I clicked it and grabbed a widget. It's really cooool! See the widget on the right side of this page? I loved it. Grab one for your blog now! CLICK HERE

The widget ---------------------------------------------->

The Beauty of Saying Nothing

2011-04-14T17:59:00.000-07:00

Last time, I posted about the Il ber far niente - the beauty of doing nothing. Yes, it's beautiful to do nothing especially when you're feeling lazy. It is beautiful to just lay on your bed with your loved one, doing nothing at all, or maybe just talking about something, about anything under the sun. But then I also think that there's a beauty in SAYING NOTHING. Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid especially if you don't know exactly what to say. Words are confusing, words are misleading, and even though I am familiar with almost every word in the dictionary, words don't come that easy on me. It's the composition that actually sets the mood. If I don't get it right, I might ruin something.

BUT, saying nothing for a very long period of time is a NO. It's what you call silent treatment. Instead of treating something, you're making it worse because you don't face it. There's always something you've got to say about something.

What you have to do is to think - THINK! If you don't have anything good to say, just shut up. If you don't think you're not ready to say anything, shut up. But don't be lazy, work on "being ready" to say something. Closure about a topic or scene is a must. Say what you need to say 'cause it's better to say too much than never to say what you need to say.

P.S. Tell your loved ones you love them. Tell it everyday. This is the most thing that shouldn't go in silence.

Wedding Draft

2011-03-18T01:30:00.000-07:00

I've been browsing for wedding ideas from time to time and I've already stumbled on some great stuffs from somewhere, anywhere. The problem is, I can get so forgetful most of the time that I tend to lose the picture in my head of what I want, where I saw the wedding gown that I'd like to wear, what give - aways, what pre - nup theme, etc. The solution is not writing it on paper because it can easily be displaced. In a digital era, the more pro-active solution is blogging it! Now, see how technology could help you in some other way. XD

So... Here's my wedding draft where I'd pick my wedding ideas when I'll actually and formally plan it.

Let's start with the gowns:

davidsbridal.com

Marchesa gown

Bridesmaid:

Ring bearer:

Ring holder:

Other helpful sites:
Top 8 ways to plan a wedding on tight budget
The Church wedding: how to go about it
David's Bridal
Bride and Breakfast

That's all for now, I'll be updating this post if ever I saw some good ideas that I could use. :)
Spoiler alert: The big wedding will be in one year's time. :)

How I spent my bday

2011-02-20T22:40:00.000-08:00

I celebrated my birthday last February 19 in Woodland Resort, Zamboanga City. But before we went there, I got an amazing surprise from my love, Tiani, in my apartment.

He went to the apartment carrying an arranged balloon. I was so surprised! I didn't know he could be supper sweet and romantic. I mean, he's always thoughtful, caring, sweet and romantic but this thing is awesome! He said that he's supposed to wear the Spongebob party hat, knock on my door and shout "Surprise!". But then, this didn't happen because I opened the door even before he knocked. He can't blame me! I've been waiting for him for hours so when I heard him coming, I immediately opened the door! :D

He also gave me a love letter he personally wrote(or should i say typed), designed and printed. What he wrote there brought me to tears, literally! I'm overjoyed! It's amazing because he kept the letter simple yet very real. I felt that it was coming straight from his heart, it was so touching. Another best thing is that I know I'm the first and only girl that he'll ever treat this way. I am so happy!

After that, we went to the resort. I've been surprised, again, that he bought a cake for me. I didn't prepare for a cake because he said so, but then, he's got a cake for me! And it was spongebob! He's so amazing. :D

I love my fiance, my man :)

Yes

2011-02-15T22:40:00.000-08:00

My YES means YES.

This is another official milestone in my life. When the feeling is this strong and happiness is this much, you just don't want it to end, you will not let anything ruin it and you beg God to please bless and help you. I'm praying to God everyday of my life that He'll let us to be together always, help us to overcome trials this life can offer and help us to make each other happy.

This is it. This is really it. :)

To God be the glory.

Dear Tiani

2011-02-03T20:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Tiani,

I know I dont have big boobs nor big butt, neither a model-type body.

I'm not tall, I can't afford tall shoes or tall sandals and I won't get any taller.

I won’t even get sexier through time.

My hair isn't always in place and my clothes aren't always in fashion.

I easily get irritated sometimes and I start petty fights without reasons.

I can get so stubborn, insecure and bossy, we know that.

I can say harsh words, curse a lot and even raise my voice at you.

I can get jealous with non-sense things and you may not understand my reasons at all, ever.

My smile isn't perfect and it's not even the cutest.

My skin isn't flawless and it's not the softest.

But if you stay with me, I promise to treat you as my king.

I promise to give you the best of me, every little BEST part of me.. everything.. everything...

And these little things - they won't even matter.

Signed,

Jet

Hearts

2011-01-26T18:34:00.000-08:00

You saw me standing there
with a dirt on my face,
mud on my feet
and scars on my knees.

Instead of walking away,
you hold my hand
and whispered to me
things I wanted to hear.

How could I ever repay you?
You saved me from the dungeon
Rescued me from the dragon,
Redeemed me from my self.

If it's not too much to ask
Could I love you from dawn till dusk?
Till night to sunrise again,
I want you to be my man.

at the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet

---

Il bel far niente - The beauty of doing nothing

2011-01-04T00:30:00.000-08:00

At Dakak Park Beach Resort

Dapitan City, Zamboanga del Norte

I was surprised when I watched Eat, Pray and Love when it was mentioned that Il bel far niente is an Italian expression and, I think, a tradition.This phrase means "The beauty of doing nothing". The book says that the Italians mastered this beauty.

I remembered my past in an instant,how I should work hard in my early days in a private school full of rich brats and braggers. I also remembered the highschool years and college years when I have to stay on top. But on the latter years of those years, I stopped.

I stopped crawling through the tree to reach "the top" because I realized that there's nothing there. Instead, I rested on the grass and ate. I crawled on the leaves and ate. I rested my self because I thought that I have to, without knowing why. That moment felt like making a cocoon, I thought of how beautiful it was. People looked at me and asked why I'm doing nothing in my life, that I was living an easy life of party (which is not true). They didn't realized that I was just contemplating, meditating throughout the day and night. Those moments kept my sanity. I was at ease and, somehow, happy. I was contented.

I thought it was being lazy but I proved to my self that it was exquisite to do that. I rested my worries in life though, sometimes, it comes back to me. When I'm hurt, I cry. When I'm mad, I don't speak. I run to some place and do nothing. During vacation, I rest, I do nothing.

Restlessness only comes when I worry in life but I'm decided to divert this pessimism. After a long hardwork, it is best to rest. It's much better if you rest with your loved one and both of you gets a chance to enjoy Il bel far niente, like I did with Tiani on our holiday trip. :)

I love you Xtian

2011-01-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

I do.

Parents, teach your children

2010-12-05T17:57:00.000-08:00

Dipolog City Cathedral

Disclaimer: the photo is not mine. It is owned by setholiver1 you can view it here.

I can remember Aga Muhlach saying, in one of his interviews, that he wants to be a good shepherd to his children.I think that's what ALL parents should want. I can see parents now, especially the young ones, that forget their moral obligations with their kids. These kids know nothing when they were brought up to this world. They are just mirrors of their surroundings. If they see or do bad things, they'll never know how bad it is until you tell them. Parents should be a constant "behavior straightener" to their kids. Simple naughty things like spanking their yaya/nanny is NOT OKAY. Most of the parents, as I observed, ignore this stuff. They should always be aware that every little manifestation of bad behavior builds up to a greater bad attitude.

One more thing, parents should teach their kids how to celebrate mass. Bringing your kids to attend mass is very okay but it shouldn't end there. They should also know how to CELEBRATE mass. This is by behaving properly inside the church, saying responses, singing with the choir, listening to the sermon of the priest and trying to understand the message of the mass. Some parents/guardians ignore their kids when they play inside the church, running down the aisle and shouting with their playmates. They should emphasize to their kids that the church is not a playground. Playing there, in whatever sense, is NOT OKAY.

I'm not a parent so I really don't know what it feels like and why do they fail in these things. But when I become one, I promise to inject good values to my kids. This will serve as their strong foundation when they grow old. When started young, good virtues will not easily fade. I swear I will do my best to be a good shepherd to my kids.

---

The Lover and Life

2010-11-19T08:51:00.001-08:00

I've read a lot about love, have read enough about life and I realized that it takes an actual contact with it to really believe in such. Love – what is it really like? For years, I am convinced that I never knew what it's like. More than a relationship struggle, I had personal struggles and was always trying to fix myself. I was so in-love with no one else but me. But, still, I was so eager to share it with someone “worth it”.

Everything about it was just for the label. There is no such thing as love or life until you experience it.

I traveled this life alone, searching and waiting at the same time for that “someone”. This made me independent, strong and virtuous. I met some, knew some, wanted some but still there's something missing. Now, I am finally believing that there is really that “someone” who you feel will complete you and make you say that “Good things come to those who wait”. I'm drowned in this concurrence, it just feels like it's the first time.

Oh life, I'm loving it. Now I don't have to eat alone, go to work alone nor sleep alone. I don't have to continue living this life by myself, thinking about me and how to enhance my self. I don't even have to be used of being alone. I was independent and strong. I was a strong flower but now I feel weaker knowing that there's someone I can't live without. Nonetheless, I'm loving everything about this. This is my life now - My Love.

I'm keeping faith, I don't want anything to ruin this. I keep on praying that God will continually bless us and keep us together. The Lord is my strong tower. With Him, I surrender everything. If people will make the Lord as their point of reference in their relationship, they will be blessed. The Lord will help them to be together, forever, no matter what. That's what we are trying to do right now...and just feels right. :)

Sweet nothing :)

2010-11-19T00:44:00.000-08:00

If your guy posts his feelings about you in Facebook, knowing that he's not that vocal with his feelings, then you must be one lucky girl.

I love my Xtiani so much. :)

Some posts are misunderstood

2010-10-15T00:09:00.000-07:00

---

I tried my best to be kind in every way. I did not provoke any war, neither did he. We're doing our thing smoothly and peacefully. I'm just wondering why.... Oh well.... The end of THAT chapter. Nothing about it is worth the talk anymore. Let's all move on. I'm thanking the crowd for welcoming me, I love you all. Rakenrawl :D

Here's a better chapter:

Happy monthsary my love,

thank you so much for taking good care of my heart.

I love you so much.

Let's do this for the taking ^__^

---

For the first and last time about this stuff, as a release.

2010-10-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

I don't want to think too much to the point that I do not know what I am thinking about anymore, so I'm blogging it. As always, this is my release, a proven therapy. I talk to walls, this is my wall.

I think I've felt too much about everything for the past months. I felt too much of negative and positive emotions.

People see that I am happy. Yes, I'm so happy. Having Xtian in my life is unexceptionably overwhelming. However, I think the crowd only saw the happiness in me and failed to see my agony before. The agony of waiting, hopeless hopes.. you know, waiting for someone's not gonna come (or so I thought). They also failed to see his agony, too much of it to bear. But we have to bear it, together, because we know that someday we don't have to even think about it anymore.

It was all of a sudden.. but it wasn't at all at the same time. It exists - our story - it exists even before you thought it would.

What's just sad is the fact that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. I never wanted to hurt anybody. I am not really the reason of their break - up, I have to be clear of that. Theirs was already dying. It was on it's grave before I came to the picture. It will end anyhow, anyway. It just happened that I entered immediately into the scene. The start wasn't easy because we didn't want to create any commotion, we didn't want to hurt nobody but our hearts just cant hold back. "This is what I've waited for so I'll grab the opportunity to be with him. Who knows, I'll be dead tomorrow. At least I got to feel what it is beside him. At least I knew it was just like heaven, if heaven is like that. It's taking chances to something beautiful." - I heard my self saying.

Now, she blocked me in facebook. What do I expect? She was demn hurt. But in most way I want to offer comfort which I know she won't need, she won't want. I just don't want to hurt someone but this is life. She did it wrong, I didn't like the way she make me and him appear bad and lifting her self as if she's the victim. The people should know about this, we did not say anything hurtful and I don't know where she got that idea.

I hope it'll better soon. I've been praying for her to recover and if she wouldn't want us to be friends, at least she wont treat me as if I did something wrong to her that I should be sorry of. Because I never did anything wrong at all. I just loved, and there's nothing wrong with loving.

Now, all the readers may forget everything that I wrote above but not this one:

It wasn't easy for him. This story, our story wasn't easy to start. He felt bad, so bad. I just want to ask the crowd not to play with this story and make him look bad or whatever because he's no picnic himself. Don't make it hard for him as she did. The crowd doesn't know what she have said and done BEFORE. All of those things, he endured.

I hope everything is fine now. I know this post is too late but I can't help to put it online especially if I know the crowd should know something.

It wasn't easy, so don't make it hard for me or for him.

Thank you for all who supported us and who didn't judged us immediately. Thank you for all who didn't say hurtful words that aims to make me or him feel guilty. Anyway, we are not guilty of anything.

Peace on earth and goodwill to mankind. Rakenrawl.

The End of this chapter.

***

Holding my breath while missing you

2010-09-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

I can't take it. No, I CAN. For you I can. It's hard to feel the pain of missing you.

I feel like there are thousand needles in my chest, making it hard for me to breath, thinking that you'll be away. We should be going to mass tomorrow, then we'll have our dinner together, then go anywhere, or just stay home. It doesn't matter as long as we are together. I can't bear the fact that I won't see you for 6 days, it's almost a week. Some may think I'm exaggerating but it's hard for me to survive the day without you - holding my hand, brushing my hair with your fingers, staring at me, teasing me to get me mad and making it up to me after. Almost a week, that thought freaks me out. I am strong, I know I can make it.. crawling, whining or whatever, I can make it. But I am not that strong without you. I never felt so weak, thinking that I can't be with you especially when I know that your 6-day leave can stir up something painful in my life. I can't help but cry. I cry because this is the only thing that I can do for now. I can't stop you, or even if I can, I won't do that. Your touch gives me strength but I think I have to deal with this life, for a week, without it .Damn these tears won't stop from falling. I am still hopeful. God will never fail us. I prayed everyday to help us to be together forever, now He's giving us the opportunity to. Let's just trust in Him.

We've got plans, we know what to do. Let's just do it for the taking. I'll always be right here waiting for you to come back. I'm serious with our other plan, you know that. At first, I am not really sure, thinking that I'm just 21 years old and you are 24. We've got long years ahead, it's so doubtful that there are people who can make it. But this feeling is so strong, not even time could fade it. I was just thinking about my mother and father, they made it. So why can't we?

I love you so much. Whatever it takes, let's just hold on to each other. You'll always carry my heart with you.

*typing while sobbing, cant see the words, cant move a finger...

***

Something in me has to die

2010-09-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

Just like my interpretation of a dream, something in me has to die. I was not really sure what exactly it is so I thought that 'something' is my bad attitude. I think everyone should do that. My procrastination, unable to forgive easily, pride and vanity should diminish as soon as possible. But this morning, I added one thing on my list - my 'being too close'. I think it's a part of me, I'm being too close to some people, well, perhaps my friends, guy and girl friends, well.... But I'm just like that. I can be too close without really feeling anything. I know I have to cut it out. I'm no eligible college easy going floozy gurl anymore. Something has to die, something.. something.. And this is what you call beautiful death. :D

~end~

---- This song is awesome :P ----

----

Shouting to the world

2010-09-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

It's late at night and I know I should get some sleep right now. I don't know why but I don't want to sleep because, trite as it sounds, reality is finally better than my dreams. I'm so happy with you and these five words aren't enough to prove how I really am. I am amazed by you, in everything that you do, in everything that you are. It's true that I tremble when I start to reach out for your hand. My body's shaking, it always feels like the world's in slow motion. And when I finally get to hold your hand (or your arm), I get the relief that, yes, you are, in fact, MINE. I cannot contain it, this is too much to be kept. Even my eyes can't hide it, I'm so inlove with you. And this, this love is all I've got. I've trusted you my heart. My plans are all about US. Please, don't tear me apart. Let's keep everything in God's speed to be assured that everything will turn out right for us. I don't really care if it'll turn out right or left as long as in this journey, I'm with you. It may get rocky sometime soon but everything is going to be alright as long as we have each other. We can always do it together. You, me, US.

Thank you for always making me feel special. Thank you for proving to me and to the world that you love me. Thank you for making me feel beautiful all the time. Thank you for not wanting to hurt me. Thank you for making me feel good about myself. I hope I do the same (and more) to you. I love you.

Yours and only yours,

Jet

Stronger than ever. Mine :)

2010-09-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

H1M

2010-09-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

Happy 1st month my love.

I hope you realize how much I love you. This love means many things to me but at the same time it means one thing - You. I cannot elaborate more so that I could explain more that you have to believe that I'll be always yours until you want me to.You know I waited for you and you proved that good things come to those who wait. I didn't fall on disappointment, I was just so overjoyed. I've been waiting for someone like you, doing the things that you do, saying the things that you say and every little thing that you do, you do it best. For the past days, you did your best to show me that I could trust in your love. I hope you'll always feel that I'm doing my best with you, that I'm trying in every way to show you every day that I really love you, so much. I hope this love is more than enough for you to stay with me. We are young, our story is young too. I know it is so early to talk about forever but we both have long term plans for us. I am so hopeful, we always have God by our side so we are assured that everything's gonna be alright. I still have many more to say but not more than enough things to do to prove my love for you.

At this moment it feels like undying, unending, forever. Forever is a dangerous word so I think let's use the term 'a lifetime'. Let's make this last for the rest of our lives.

Seryosong post to.. haha... Char char naman! wushu... XD

---

These Things

2010-08-27T17:26:00.000-07:00

----

I am not really vocal with my feelings so I put them all into writings. This is my outlet. I have to keep silent about everything that’s been happening. I already surrendered everything to the Lord, whatever happens I am assured that He is in control and I’ll always be pleased with that. I don’t exactly know what’s going to happen, I don’t exactly know what’s happening now but there are FEW things I am sure of. First, I love him. Need I say more? Even though he’s not the first one I loved, I want him to be my last. I know it’s too early to say this, I know there are rooms for change of minds and hearts. But right now I am very convinced that I’ll stick with him and we’ll work this out. Second, I just want to make him happy, to know that he’s happy, to see that he’s happy and to feel that he’s happy. As long as there’s smile in his face, as long as I give him peace that he needs, I will be here. I don’t want to make promises so I think I’ll just prove it. I hope the audience could wait until forever for us to prove it. Third, I don’t want to hurt nobody, but my heart just can’t hold back. It’s just so sad because I know what it feels like. I’ve been there, I felt the same and it felt like hell, I felt total darkness. What’s so sad is when you experience same thing and you realized you nailed yourself into the situation. That is just being so stupid and pathetic. And it’s sad when you keep on remaining stupid, it’s sad when you see people like that. They could’ve accepted everything silently and hopefully rather doing some crazy stuffs. If I lose my temper, it will piss me off.

Am I not being too kind? Am I not being generous? I’m doing my best not to hurt someone and at the same time to make him happy. I bet you don’t know what it’s like unless you’re in our situation. I know this wouldn’t be easy but I’m not one to complain. I love him so much to just give it up, just because these things are happening. This is so strong to just give it up, so real to just waste it all. I don’t want to waste forever. I hope this would end so soon. I am not that troubled with the situation, it’s just that I see all the pain he feels and I know I cannot control those people who inflict pain in him. If I could, I would do anything for them to just leave him alone, for them to stop it because it’s hurting him, for them to just f**k off.They're hypocrites, stupid, selfish, bitches, assholes. Need I curse more?

I am not afraid of anything except God. I am always ready about anything, bring it on. I’m eager to surpass turbulence. He loves me and that’s all that matters. He’s a part of my world, actually the most of it.

We are so eager to shout this to the world. But, honestly, the hell I care with the ‘world’. World means other people around us and I could just care less about them. All I care for is him. It will take time. I am patient and hopeful. He said that he is, too. We’ll do this for the taking. We can do this.

---

Aug 14, 2010 - The time has stopped

2010-08-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

~~~

Seriously... But not literally. I just wished so.

We can do this. :)

~~~

I smell you

2010-08-02T17:57:00.000-07:00

---

I love it when someone asks me questions I can’t answer. That means there’s a room for pondering again. I think, I just think, pondering will make you a little bit wiser. I’ve been looking for my 1st Break – Up Anniversary letter file in my hard disk. Break - up anniversary! It's such a good idea to celebrate. XD I’m supposed to post it today in commemoration of my endeared break – up with Zin last year. You might ask, “Haven’t you moved on yet?”. My answer is, “I already moved on. Please rephrase your question in such a way that it can be answerable with just a YES or a NO. XD”. I don’t know how to explain this, but the lessons I’ve learned were more than enough for me to give this kind of tribute to him. AND! AND… I realized just now, just this afternoon, while walking my way home, that he wasn’t the one who gave me the lessons I learned. Actually, he, plain as he is, didn’t taught me anything. Who did? I DID. I was the one who realized everything, I was the one who learned through my experience. He was just a catalyst to my learning. And as I’ve read his blog, he never learned anything more than what he thought, what he knows, what he thinks. But it’s no big deal to me. I want to learn from other’s mistakes, from what they did and what they failed to do. System development gave me such thinking.

So where am I now? I don’t exactly know. But where I am now is exactly where I want to be, and I exactly know where I want to go. For months, after the break – up, I’ve been lost, I’ve been changing names so that I could forget myself, so that I could lose myself in order to find it again. For months, after August 2009, I’ve been seeing Zin’s light, the light of a DEAD STAR. For months after that, I thought I could always be there for him, but now I could just care less. For now, I can but just remember. I never regret anything. Moreover, I am thanking him for doing that because it made me open a door for someone really amazing. And as for that someone before Zin, I could just care less too. When I thought I’ll never be over him. It was just the same, everything was the same , they are all the same in such a way that they are all different. They say that looking back will help you see the future. I am clearly looking back now, I can clearly see where I want to go, I clearly know what to do.

So here is my anniversary letter. It may make no sense to him, but hopefully it makes some sense to someone else than me.

And what’s with the title “I smell you”? As I sit here alone in my room, I smelled him. I remembered just how he smelled. As in I smelled him as if he’s just next to me, felt him through the wind. Who’s “him”? He was the content of most of my posts from May this year till today. :D Why, what, when, where or how, pabor, I’m trying to know. What is this? Where am I? I am so stupid not knowing the answers! Whatever is it, let God decide, He is more reliable than anything or anyone in this world.

I do not know.
I lost my belief in love but still I keep believing,
I lost trust in guys but still I keep on trusting,
I’m afraid of giving my heart away but I can’t resist giving,
I always lose in this but still there’s no winning,
I see people fall apart but still I keep on wanting,
I always say “I do not know” but still I keep on talking.
Maybe “I don’t know” means only one thing:
I can’t explain further what I always try to keep on explaining.
Or maybe it means another thing:
I can’t say further than what I keep on saying.
Or another thing:
Please wait until I can articulate what I’m feeling.

What do you think about this story?

2010-08-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

Note: I used TAGLISH here. It is a slang ‘language’ which is a combination of Tagalog, our national dialect, and English, the world’s most used language. Why I used taglish? Because I feel that it’s better and funnier to use it for this story than just plain English. Para bonggang bongga, bonggavilla. XD

Inisip ko if i-post ko 'to...kaso..sige nalang, ipost ko nalang..baka magka-amnesia ako, atleast meron akong mababasa to remind me of something. :)

I was thinking where to start; maybe I could just narrate the events like milestones. But even milestones aren’t helpful enough to lay the sequence. It happened like this:

Isang hapon, pagkatapos ng trabaho, napagdesisyunan namin na tumagay sa isang malayong lupain. Eh kasi naman, ewan ko anong pumasok sa isip namin. Basta gow, gow, punta sa malayo, sa may dagat, sa Patalon (it’s like an hour away from the town), para tumagay. Actually, ako, gusto ko talagang gumala at uminom. At kung bakit sa Patalon talaga, ay hindi ko exactly alam. XD

Hayun, bumili kami ng Tanduay Ice. Well, I’d like to advertise Tanduay Ice, you gotta try it guys. It’s a new product from Tanduay distillers themselves. It’s a drink, containing 5% alcohol that tastes like Sprite with a pinch of Buko juice. What’s nice about it is that you’ll get to enjoy the spirit of the beer without even tasting it. I mean, you can get rid of the bitter tastes of beers. XD. Zalos, located in Camins, sells it for 34 pesos only, while in Catribo, the price ranges from 55- 65. I’m telling this to you so that you’ll be guided. XD

Teka, where are we? Ahhh.. Yeah, just like what I’ve said we bought Tanduay Ice. After that we drove off to a beach resort in Patalon. I forgot the name of the place though I tried to memorize it. >.<

Umalis kami sa town around 6pm. On our way, napansin namin na parang uulan. Eh, makukulit na bata kame, gow gow parin. Kahit na tanong siya ng tanong if gow parin, kahit na pinagiisipan ko if gow parin, eh tuloy tuloy naman ang andar ng motor, edi gow parin! Haha. Ano daw? Ang gulo. XD

Ayun, naabutan kami ng ulan sa daan. Una, umambon, tapos umulan na. Ang kawawang driver basang basa sa ulan. Ako, paa ko lang nabasa, andun kasi ako sa likod nya. XD

Pero in fairness ang ganda ng papunta dun enjoy na enjoy ako. Ewan ko ba bakit basta nagenjoy ako. Haha. Ewan ko if nagenjoy ba un siya papunta dun, kawawa naman, pagod na nga mag-drive, nabasa pa ng ulan. Alangan ako magdrive eh di nga ako marunong mag bike, motor pa kaya. Haha. Pero sabi niya nagenjoy naman daw siya. Weh? Di nga? XD

Okay, so there, we arrived in the place gabi na, umuulan pa. Pero naabutan naman namin ang dagat, di naman un tumatakbo eh. XD. When we arrived, someone from the resort went to us to say that they are closed for the night. CLOSED! All caps! Eh ang layo layo ng binyahe namin tapos closed! Haleer, kuya, okay ka lang? haha. I told him na pwede bang pasilong muna kami kasi umuulan. Buti naman, mabait siya at pinayagan niya kami. So okay na.

Kwento – kwento lang kami dun ng kahit anong bagay na mapag – kwentuhan. It was so relaxing. Idagdag mo pa ang paghampas ng alon sa dagat, ang patak ng ulan, ang malimlim na ilaw na bumabalot sa paligid, at kaming dalawa, sa isang open cottage, umiinom ng Tanduay Ice at kumakain ng Piattos. Ang bongga. Haha.

Di katagalan ay lalong lumakas ang ulan. Pati upuan namin nabasa na ng ulan. Ayos lang, basa naman talaga kami, este siya pala. Tapos, nagBlack-out. Hayun, binalot na talaga kami ng kadiliman. Di din kami makauwi kasi ang lakas ng ulan. Bonggang bongga. Tawa ako ng tawa. Haha.

Tinanong niya if may regret ba ako dahil tumuloy pa kami, nastranded tuloy kame. Regret? Ni hindi ko nga naisip un! Tinanong niya din bakit ako sumama sakanya, ganun ba daw ako, basta basta sumasama. Actually, madami siyang tanong pero di ko sinasagot ng maayos, ung iba. Haha. Di ko alam kung naexplain ko ba ng maayos, hindi talalga ako basta basta sumama unless may tiwala ako sa tao. At hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ako sumama sakanya. Basta ang alam ko, sasama ako sakanya maligaw man kami sa daan, mabasa man kami ng ulan, at kahit alam kong meron siyang masasaktan. Ang bongga, parang tula. XD

Ay basta, humahaba na ang kwento na to. Nakakaloka kasi. Hindi ko inexpect na ganun kasaya yun. Isipin ko palang na nastranded kami dun, madilim, totally MADILIM, umuulan, basa siya mula ulo hanggang paa, at ako medyo nabasa, napapangiti na ako. Eh kasi ang bongga, parang yung mga napapanood ko sa TV, nung may TV pa kami. Haha.

Seriously, I had fun, super fun. It’s something unusual. It’s something that happens once in a lifetime. It’s something that I could always remember. :) . Sabi niya sana palaging ganun, na di na matapos ang gabing yun. Sa isip ko naman, sinabi ba talaga niya yun o lasing lang siya? O lasing lang ako? Pero dalawang bote lang naman ininom namin.haha. Sa isip ko, sana palaging ganun, na nakakarelax siya. Actually, sa aming dalawa siya ang mas may problema. Sa aming dalawa, siya ang mas malungkot, na hindi ko alam kung bakit. At di ko alam kung tama ba ako. XD. Pero sabi niya malungkot daw ako kahit nakangiti. Hindi niya din ata alam kung bakit, kasi di ko naman sinabi.

Nung medyo tumila na ang ulan, umuwi na kami. Iniwan namin kalat namin dun. XD.
The only regret I had is that, hindi ako nakadala ng extra t-shirt for him. :D

P.S.
Nakalimutan namin maligo sa dagat! Pero okay lang. XD

So many things to say, I want to be free from you

2010-07-20T01:07:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my Arms

(drawn in MSPaint)

This is something I want him to say to me.

I've typed so many things in my laptop at home, planning to post them here in my blog. But I doubt if I really have to. I want him so bad now, it's not supposed to feel this way, I wonder what's going on in me.

If your home is where your heart is, my home is where you are, my home is here. But I'm losing direction. How could I be so lost in my own place. But wait. Your heart is not my place.. hmmm...maybe that's the reason why I'm so lost. I got it.

What do I do? I have to forget him. I changed my mind, I'm not giving up.. but I'm LETTING GO. I'm letting go of this hope, this illusion, this waiting. I'm holding on by letting go of him...

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you'll never love me

---

Say

2010-07-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

(Last Look - MSPainting)

This one is dedicated for that someone.

I am already giving you up to that someone who really owns you

because you don't want me to fight for you, you don't want me to fight with you.

----------------------------------------
I fell upon this song that says:

You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

-----------------------------------------

Well, i don't know. .. I really don't know...
And, yes, I changed the contents of this post.
To all my dear readers, keep in touch :)

How I Lost My Best Friend

2010-06-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

(Show me that good things come to those who wait - MSPaint)

It was a sunny afternoon when I came to see her. She looked at me indifferently, unintentionally recognizable, a scar from the past. We used to laugh together but now she won’t even smile back. But I have to stay here, silently, as the descending peak in the LCD took her a little farther away from me. The nurse came in to give her food and medicine. I must assist.

- - -

She wakes me up during mornings so that I won’t be late for class. That was during my 1st year in college – the time when I used to think that everything was just right in place. I am so glad I met her in the boarding house I resided. I can still remember the day I arrived in that house. I took a room which happened to be a door away from hers. Few months later, I decided to transfer to her room, she became my roommate. Funny how we get along with each other as if we grew up together. In time, she knew me, I knew her. She knew when I’m sad or happy, or pretending to be sad or happy. She knows where I go when I run away from the world – it’s in my room, with her and a bottle of beer or rhum. With a cigarette on our hand, we used to talk all night ‘till midnight, up to the morning light. We talked about anything, everything.

But then, change is the only permanent thing. There came a time when we don’t get to “bond” that much anymore. This started when she met him. She always spend her time with him and, of course, I shouldn’t disturb them. She goes home late at night so we don’t have enough time to talk about everything anymore. But it’s fine with me because I can see that she’s happy. She’s always in ecstasy. When she goes home, I can see a big smile on her face, she hugs me and hands me her pasalubong. She was so happy. Later on he became her boyfriend. I get to know him. Sometimes I go with them to roam around the campus. I can see how he cares for her and I’m happy about that. One time when we were talking, he gets his handkerchief and he wiped her sweat off from her head and neck. I think that is so sweet.

Days pass by, I got used to include him in my routine as she is so attached to me, I am attached to her and she is attached to him. The three of us usually go together. He used to text me especially when had a fight, I used to help them make up.

I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know where it started. Years gone by and I saw them falling apart. Even if I should accept that it is “normal”, it’s hard to accept the fact that I saw them developed like a seed on a fertile ground and now I see them dying as if the ground wasn’t cultured and cared. Rainy days came to her. She always cries to me, telling me what she hates about him. They easily put up a fight, even with just small things. I always told her and him to just hold on, that they can get things fixed up if they want to. But it’s so hard to see him and his feelings fading away. I talked to him several times about not leaving her, she won’t be able to take it.

I can’t take it also. I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know where it started.

They broke up. I tried to convince him to patch things up with her but he doesn’t want anymore. It doesn’t matter who’s fault it is, he doesn’t want anymore. I saw in him that he really meant he doesn’t want anymore. But our friendship was still there. We talk sometimes, text sometimes, he calls sometimes. He asks advice from me, sometimes. He’s trying to cope up.

But she – cannot, would not, do not. She grew weary and shattered. She’s always drunk, smoked more often, cries more often. We always fight because she doesn’t want to stop going out with her other friends only to get drunk. She gets mad at me because I reprimand her, I get mad at her because she doesn’t want to be reprimanded. We won’t talk for days after the fight but then afterwards we’ll be okay. But it became a cycle of fight – silent treatment – okay situation. I don’t see her more often that time, although we’re still renting the same room. She’s always with her other friends to “have fun”. I realized it’s not good when broken hearted people come together in the same room to drink and talk. They will all look and sound stupid.

One night, he went to the boarding house to hand me his paper to be submitted to his teacher. It’s a favor he asked since he’ll be out of town the next days. I didn’t tell her about that but, still, she happened to know. When I went back to our room she asked me “why are you so happy?”. I stopped and realized I was smiling.

“I don’t know”, I said.
“You are happy because he went here to talk to you”, she said trying to stop herself from getting mad.
“No.”
“Yes you do! Yes you are!” she shouted at me.
“What’s your problem? Why do you shout at me?”
“You talk, you text, he calls you!”
I am silent.
“Then he went here to see you!?” she said, impatiently waiting for what I will say.
“He asked me a favor to give this paper to his instructor”
“Oh, great! Of all the people, why you?!”
“You know he doesn’t have any other friends in school other than me and his wasted barkadas. You won’t entrust your papers to your wasted friends, do you?”
She threw her hands up and sighed.
“Don’t tell me you’re getting jealous of me?” I asked.

She didn’t answer and walked away. I don’t know where she’d go, I don’t want to know that time. I was getting tired of coping up with her while she’s drowning in her new self. We used to be okay after we fight but this time it’s different. We still talk but we know there’s a great boundary between us already, we’re not comfortable of each other anymore. Our room seemed so dark and full of tension. Then, I decided to find an apartment. I told her I need a bigger space because my parents are coming to stay. It was a half – true reason, I need to leave her to see if she’ll come back to herself again. I cannot help her find herself anymore, it is something she must do alone.

I moved to my new apartment. We didn’t talk. I lost her.

I’m counting the months that passed by, I still lost connection with her. But not with him, we go out unexpectedly sometimes. I always see him in restaurants, beaches, some places without the intention of seeing him. We don’t talk about her anymore. He doesn’t know we’re not in good terms.

I don’t know how it started, I don’t know when it happened. I feel drawn out to him, I can feel he’s drawn to me too. I feel he’s stopping something… and that something is exactly what I am stopping too.

Months gone by, we could be seen together in the campus. I know this reached her.

    One night when we are about to go home, we talked. He told me how he felt and how he’s stopping the feeling of falling. He told me he cannot defy gravity anymore.
    “Don’t you think there’s something we should do?” he said.
    “What is it?”
    “I think we should be together.”
    “I do not know… but please, not now.. you know that I’m your ex’s bestfriend, I don’t want to add the hurt she’s feeling…”
    “But you feel the same as I do? Do you?”
    “Yes, I do… but…”

    But that time I do not know what to do. I want to move away from him but I got myself so attached, and what’s worse, or best, he got attached to me too. It was like two papers glued together. You know what will happen when you try to separate them, they’ll be tearing apart.

    Time came when I heard she had a new boyfriend already so I tried to contact her. I met her in a restaurant unexpectedly. I went to her to have a talk. I can see she was so awkward to me.
    “What do you want to talk about?” she asked.
    “Nothing… I just want to be cool with you”
    She just smiled sarcastically, I see she don’t want to talk to me.
    “Why are you like that? Haven’t you moved on?”
    “I am moving on, but not with you.” She said, ended with a period.

    Days, weeks, months gone by. I heard she’s living with his boyfriend in the same house. I often see them together. I also heard she’s pregnant already but I didn’t confirm it. I know it was just a hear – say.

    One night I was with him, having dinner in my apartment.

“Don’t you think…. That it’s time now for us to be together?” he asked.
“But aren’t we together?”
“Yes, together, but miles apart. You are always with her, thinking about her, thinking about what people will say. She has someone new now, don’t you think it’s time for us?”
“I do not know, you know that..”
“I know! For god’s sake, I know! You always say that – you are my ex’s bestfriend, so what? She doesn’t even want to talk to you anymore!”
“I do not know.. she’s still hurt..”
“But what about me? I am hurt too, I’m so hurt that I can be this close to you but not close enough. Don’t you realize you’re hurting me?”
“I do not know.”
“What do I have to do to make you make up your mind?”
“I do not know.”
“Do you want me to leave you?”
“Yes, leave me…”

I do not know why I said that, I don’t even know if I meant that, but I think it’s what I should say. He left me. I cried. Months gone by, he graduated from college. Years gone by I graduated too. I haven’t heard of him anymore. Those times, I thought of just going through the day, that I just have to survive day by day. I have to try to live a normal life though I’m breaking apart. I do not know who I was, what I want, who I want, what to do. In times like these I used to run to her with a beer or rhum and she makes me feel better, gives me advice and I’ll be fine thinking that I won’t be alone. But now I’m so alone.
I worked after graduation because I’ll be lonely doing nothing.

Three years later, surprisingly, or expectedly, he went back to me. I can hardly recognize him; he can hardly recognize me too. We changed, a lot. We talked, we go out, we went to a vacation. I realized I missed him so much, that I really loved him and I still love him.

One night, on the balcony of our resort, he asked me:
“Don’t you think it’s time for us to be together?”
“I do not know”, I said.
“I can’t believe you still answered the same.”
We went silent.
“From now on you are my girlfriend and the next month or months, you’ll be my fiancée.”, he said.
“What?!”, I exclaimed.
“We are not getting any younger, I don’t want to waste my time away from you”
I can see that he was serious. I didn’t say “yes” to what he said but I don’t want to say “no”.

So, as what he said, I became his girlfriend. Months passed by and I became his fiancée. He brought direction to my life, he made me feel alive. That’s when I realized merely trying to survive in this world is a lot different from living in it. And life lived with him is the best life I know I can ever have.

The time came when we are a little bit older, a little more closer, a lot more together.

Then, just then, we heard of her situation. She’s confined in the hospital for having breast cancer, stage 4. I know this is gonna happen, I know her illness even before and I cannot let it happen without me being there for her.

We went to the hospital to visit her. She gave us that indifferent look as we walked to the door. I always visit her, every day I am there to watch over her as her husband is at work and their 2 – year – old son stayed with her husband’s mother.

“You know… nothing’s really between us and him that time..” I told her once.

I told her what happened between us but she remained silent. I can see in her pale face that she’s listening but is already tired.

“Please… talk to me…” I said, then I cried, I cannot stop my tears anymore. There’s no comfort for the dying, but there is more than none for those who they will leave behind.

Her tears fell but still she don’t want to talk to me. But I have to stay with her till the end. I have to be there.

And so I was there by her side until the end of her life. I saw her dying, I saw her gave up the struggle to live. It was a very painful sight. There were full of tears in the room. Her husband, parents, other relatives and friends were there. At her dying moment, she called out to me without saying a word. I went closer to her, she hold my hand, smiled at me and pulled me closer to hear her whisper.

“I am sorry for everything, thank you and I love you my best friend...” she said.

Right then she closed her eyes, still holding my hand. It was more than a minute then I heard the LCD sound. That sound was an indication of mourning for all of us in that room and all of those outside the world that will know that she’s gone.

But she won’t be gone to me, she’ll live in my heart. I am happy to see her happy at her last minute. I am happy she talked to me again, I am happy that I realized I did not lose her, I gained her. She needed me and I stayed with her even if she’s pushing me away. I need to be with her, she’s my one and only bestfriend. I will forever miss her.

hayst.

2010-06-25T00:03:00.000-07:00

and yes, I could say that to you if you ask me to.
(MSPainting)

Eh?

2010-06-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

Ako

Ay nagbibilang ng araw sa talaarawan
Na walang ibang ginawa
Kundi ipaalala sa akin na
Pwede kitang pagmasdan.

At hanggang tingin lang.

Ay ibinabalik ang mga araw
Pati ang bulaklak na nalalanta na
Ngunit ang pagtapon ay 'di ko kaya,
Parang isang sayaw,

Ngunit ako lang ang gumagalaw.

Pati ang langit, tahimik
Pilit na iniiwas ang mundo
Sa gusto kong magmay-ari nito
Dahil alam kong isang imik -

Pagnanasa ko'y magbabalik.

Ako - ang kabuuhan ng taong ito
Damdaming tumatangis,
Hanging dumadaplis,
Isang palaisipan sayo.

Ako - tumatangi sa iyo.

*This is a Tagalog poem. Tagalog is our national dialect in the Philippines. If you want to understand the poem please seek the aid of Google translate :D *

Too good to be just your jest.

2010-06-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

MSPaint

If you could really hear the sound

Of silence whispered so loud,

Yes, so loud you cant even hear it,

So loud it may even break my heart.

If you could read the lines of letters,

Where shores could be the only way,

It gathers not what I could say

When I feel like going away.

If this is so frail, this is so weak,

This is so strong, so strong, I cannot speak.

On uncharted sea I left to see,

You may never have been thinking of me.

How can I defy gravity?
When you move away, I feel dead,
When you come closer, I die,
When somewhere in the middle, I survive.

But where I am is not enough.
I just want to be with you.
But where you are is somewhere I cannot go.
But I swear this feeling is so true.

I'm so in - love with you.

*One of the worst thing is reading everything but missing the point of what you read.*
*He doesn't know what it's like not knowing if I ever cross his mind*
*sh!+ these crappy things...

People Alone

2010-05-30T21:09:00.000-07:00

(My Own World - drawn in MSPaint)

I just can't resist to post. I've been writing everyday yet not posting them because there are things that should be kept... but still there are things that are too much to hide.

For my dear readers, let me keep you updated of what has happened to me (inside) for the past week (in case you want to know :P). I haven't slept a normal and sound sleep for the past days (again). I know what's happening, this always happen in times like these. When you are full of chaos, questions and frustrations that you try to supress, your sub - concious will suffer. This will make you sleep less, talk more and do more without thinking the things you say or do. Also, be careful of hiding and trying to stop your feeling towards somebody. What you try to convey may be different of what they percieve you do to them or on how you treat them, you might be misunderstood and misinterpreted.

I've been listening to too much love songs too. What happened to my rock and roll? I don't know.

You know, sometimes, some people are like roses. The more you want to hold them, the more you get thorned. Sometimes, some people are like cactus, the more you come closer, the more you get hurt. As human, our first impulse is self - preservation: move away, go away, run away, you don't want to get hurt, do you? If thinking about someone would hurt, the question of strength is not in trying not to remember..but in how much you could accept reality everytime you remember.

Yet still, we pray this would end but at the same time we know that we don't want this to end. Especially if this keeps you alive.

If my words are hard to understand that means I tried to open up to the world yet I try to hide something from it.

Pardon me, I just feel stupid. I changed a lot but I still stay the same.

By the way, the MSPaining above depicts my world. It's for you to judge.

Work - should I stay here or should I go? It's yes or no. It's now or later. We make decisions in life. If we feel that it really feels right, we should be sure that it does really feels right, not driven by our selfishness. But before doing major decisions, we should ask guidance from above, He knows better so let your ears hear Him. Whatever our decision is, we should stand for it..unless we feel that we shouldn't.

I do not know. The more I think, the more I get confused. I've written a thousand lines, yet a more to come. It's has been like this - I can't stand up but I can't fall down..coz there's somewhere in the middle of this.

Life - it's just like this. Atleast for now I see improvement in me. It's hard to change... but it's harder if I stay the same.

Family - it's just like this.

Friends - it's just like this.

Love - it's just like this. Always like this. Situations change, but ironically it's still the same, just like this.

Money - see you soon.

Manila - I miss you.

My workplace here - please don't make me too much happy and contented, I'm finding it hard to go away.

To all the love songs and nightmares that accompanied me for the last days, thank you and please give me a break.

Less sleep, more work, more heartaches, more "house problems" and financial problems - how do you expect me to be?

The moment after this

2010-05-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

This isn't supposed to be a poem. It's my heart speaking at me and my mind telling my fingers to type.

We never learn.

We know that after the feeling of falling is a big bruised mark in your heart.

Yet we continue.

Because we shouldn't teach our self not to love.

But we should learn that once we do,

We should give everything that we should,

And learn to control not to skip boundaries.

If you don't want this to start,

Don't force this feeling to end.

But even if you do, it may happen still,

Because we glued ourselves

On something dangerous

Yet real.

Mood: confused. just when I'm about to go, I findin' it hard to resist the reason to stay..

I wonder if

2010-05-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

(MSPainting ongoing)

I wonder if you think of me

As I do think of you

As I did last night

As you appeared in my dream.

I wonder if the shadows will leave,

Leave me in my darkest minute

As you did to me,

As I never did to you.

I wonder how to end this

I wonder if it ever will.

I am different, I'm alone,

Because I'm still here.

3 Days of Summer

2010-05-03T23:45:00.000-07:00

(That's me.. pic taken by my friend, edited by me XD)

Exposed from the diary of a guy friend:

This should start with a date. May 1, 2010. This could’ve been another busy day in this resort if the president did not move the Labor Day to Monday.

I do not know where to start describing her. Will it be the moment she arrived in this island? She walked through the sands to get to me – to get a room for her stay. Could it be her ordinariness that made her extra ordinary? I thank God that I had the chance to talk to her and know her more. If not, I would’ve lost more than half of what I should have in this boring island, where I have to work, and work, and work…

As usual I was on the counter that day to monitor the flow of customers. As usual there were girls, pretty girls, which check in this resort, but usually they are with their boyfriends/ fiancées/ husbands/ family. This girl caught my attention for she stayed alone in this resort. She took the single room at one of the most secluded place in the resort, most lovers love that place. The first day she arrived, she went out to the sea and took photos. I was just staring at her, looking at her legs, her cute face, well, most guys do that. But at that time no extra – ordinary feeling was upon me.

Then I thought of: “Maybe she went here alone to find someone to be with. Or perhaps, we could be friends, or play to the sand, play in this resort… maybe she could be a good friend…”.

So I tried to come closer to her. No extra – ordinary moves, no butterflies in my stomach. I came to her as she was watching the sunset on her first afternoon in this island. I handed her a souvenir item and told her that we give those kind of stuffs to all customers we have. Then she looked around and realized I lied. I gave her that item just to talk to her.

“You love to take photos?” I asked.

“Yeah…” she said.

I see that she’s very awkward to me. I see that she’s not like those other girls that dig me when I come closer to them, that engaged me with a conversation just to be with me until night.

“You don’t trust me, do you?” I asked her after the sun set into the ocean.

“Ofcourse I do, you’re the owner of this resort, I can’t think of anyone to trust more than you..” she said with a smile.

I insisted to her to have a dinner with me in our resto, my treat. But she doesn’t want that kind of treatment, but I insist to let me treat her that way. Surrendered, she let me. We talked. But no matter how many things she say about her, there are still mysteries I see in her that she won’t unfold.

She told me about her work, about her views in every subject we fall upon. She likes computer games, PS games, helicopter toys and skateboards. In fact, she said that she skates a little. She also like barbie dolls, music, guitars, pen and papers.

After dinner I brought her to the light house. It was one of the most romantic part of the island, for me. Then I realize to myself that I was digging her, I wanted her to like me as much as all guys want all girls to like them. We talked about love life, her views with love are so practical yet fairy – tale like, fantastic yet boring, real yet day dreaming. She is so confusing, I cannot understand her. She realize that I can’t understand her views, then she told me: “You spend so much time understanding me than verifying my thoughts. You don’t have to believe in everything I say..” and she smiled. We spent almost all of the night there.

By morning, around 5:30 am, I saw her going out of her room so I hurried myself and go down to catch her.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To the end of this island..”

“Can I come with you?”

“Sure…”

So we walked to the sands to the end of the island. I do not know what’s there that she wants to see in this time of the day. I’m starting to be convinced that she’s really weird.

She took photos; she captured the sunrise, the rocks, and the birds. She loves birds because they can fly. She took photos of me, and of us.

I remember that time when she was facing me, our elbows on the sand, her hairs danced with the waters that reached the shore. I touched her hair that danced on the shore but it did not move her. She was telling a story that time, that I could not understand, but I pretend to listen. She seems to be an angel that’s talking to a mortal, her words are the things I cannot comprehend, they seem to be heavenly. What I did was to appreciate this moment that I’m with her.

We spent the whole day together though she’s asking me to go back to the cashier and watch over my resort. I told her that’s what I’ve been doing my whole life here, and I want to treat that day as a day – off for me.

The next day too, was a day off for me. I can’t get enough of her. She laughs at my jokes, she engages to a conversation with me, but I just can’t know who or what she is. She’s still a mystery. She seems like a gift that I’m dying to open to see what’s inside, I know there is more, I know there is more of her that I should have.

I should’ve not asked her this but I think I had to.

“When are you going back home?” I asked, calmly.

“Tomorrow…”

I was frozen by a moment, staring at the sand as we sat under the tree. For a minute or two, we didn’t say a word nor looked at each other. I understand she has to go back very soon, her work is very important to her, she cannot leave it for a week or more. Three days, that is. We spent three days together and I know no one would agree that it’s enough. Stupidly, I asked:

“Can’t you stay a longer? You don’t have to go home”

I mean it. She doesn’t have to go home. I can give her everything that she wants. She doesn’t have to work, I will give her money everytime to send to her parents, I will buy her all the clothes she wants, all the accessories she finds cute, everything that she asks for. But then I asked myself, “What am I thinking? What is this? Why can’t I just accept that she won’t be here for long?”

I’ve had enough from girls, they loved me, they hurt me, they get my money, the made me happy. I met so many girls, ladies, women and the like, they are all the same – they want to be different. This feeling isn’t so unfamiliar – I am falling in-love. She’ll be the 28th girl that I’ll fall in-love with.

But I insist this is extra – ordinary. She makes me crazier, even crazier this time. I have to stop this feeling but I remembered what she said: “Your heart is like a rubber ball… if you hold it down, it’ll spring back..”

It is springing back.

She went to her room that night, I went to mine. I cannot feel that she is saddened by the thought of our parting. I could’ve went to sleep if the electricity did not went out.

Black out.

I hurried to her, bringing lighter and candles. She thanked me and lit up those three candles, without even realizing why I brought 3. I have to tell her how I feel.

“Amber… I have to say something” I started.

“Yes? What is it?”

I gathered all my courage. My gawd! It seems it’s my first time!

“I cannot afford to let you go.. I mean…. “

I told her everything. I poured my heart out. I told her that she’s exceptional, that I always think about her every day, that the thought of not seeing her tomorrow and the next days of my life breaks my heart. I told her that I’ve fallen, I told her everything.

She was just calm and comforting. She says she likes me too but she cannot leave her work. And she said that I already know her plans, that she’ll be going to Manila to pursue her dreams, that it’ll take long, if not impossible, for her to come back to this place. But she also said that what she’ll love doing, she’ll find time doing.

But it is still not comforting even if she says she’s going back. What if she’ll meet a guy out there? What she felt for me is not that strong, she cannot hold on to that, I know. I want her to fall in – love.

I told her I want to hug her.

“Go on, then…” she said.

I hugged her. I hugged her with the greatest hug I’d ever give. I hugged her like there was no other woman was held in my arms. I hugged her like it’s the last time that I could ever hug her. I cannot feel that she feels it. How could she be so numb?

I can’t take it.

My eyes won’t hide it anymore, I cried. Tears fell down my eyes without even knowing to stop it. I don’t want to be seen this way – at my weakest point.

“Why are you crying?” she asked.

I told her again everything. Why does she have to be so numb? I’m crying because she’s going to leave me. I’m crying because I don’t have the right to stop her from leaving.

She took me by the bed. We were there sitting. She talked, facing me. Again, this familiar feeling, that I cannot comprehend what she say though I hear them. My focus was on her lips, those lips of an angel that’s talking to a mortal, saying something that will make me empty.

I have to say it.

“I want to kiss you…” I said.

I saw that she was a little bit surprised of what I said.

“Then… kiss me..” she said.

I kissed her. That was the beginning of a very intimate night. I held her in my arms; I savour everything about her as if it was the last. We get ourselves naked of all the possibilities in this world. We forget this world just then. At last I felt heaven, that I was not on Earth anymore. When you are with an angel, you won’t expect less than heaven. I took every chance to explore the wonder of her body. She’s very erotic and fun. She can really get me weak by her passionate kisses, by her caresses, by her lingering touches. But we did not get to the point of destroying her womanhood. That’s something I would not do. I wouldn’t want the angel to bleed. When I told her about it, she was heightened. That’s it, she’s falling in – love. She loves my respect towards her.

We shared our physique the whole night until we fell asleep.

Sleep. I don’t want to do it right now, but I think I have to.

I held her in my arms while she was sleeping.

….
…
..
.
Total darkness.
….
…
..
.
Then I woke up. It was already 8am. She said last night that her flight would be this morning, 10:00.

I woke up. I do not know if I should be thankful that I did, or I’ll regret that I just did. For when I woke up she wasn’t there by my side anymore. Her things were not there anymore, too. At that moment I know that she’s left.

I felt like crying. I want to go to the sea and drown myself. But if I do, I’ll never get the chance to see her again.

It was a very typical day in this resort again. Customers checks in, customers check out. I’ll watch over the counter by day, do the audit of income by night and think about her throughout day and night. If I look at it the way I see it before, nothing really changed on the outside, I am still me, I still look like me. But I feel different, I feel like superman.

I have to find her. I have to go to her place. I don’t care what happen to this resort, she’s more important than this, I’ve let so many girls in exchange of this place, but not Amber. I have to find her and court her until she decides to be with me.

When I find her, it wouldn’t be a happy ending. I don’t believe that true - love - love - stories doesn’t have a happy ending because I believe it doesn’t end.

I have to find her. And when I do, it won’t be the ending. It would be the beginning.

Angel of God

2010-04-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

After watching too much documentaries from History Channel, I am inspired to write a book entitled "ANGEL OF GOD". It would be a story of EVERYTHING in a perspective of a lesser angel which I do not know what to name yet. The book is a narration of this lesser angel who saw EVERYTHING from the Creation upto now. This angel has no power, no gender, cannot fly, cannot teleport, but can see EVERYTHING and hear EVERYTHING. Sometimes this angel talks to God about EVERYTHING and this is all that this angel can do - to talk about it. The only thing that EVERYTHING excludes is God's thoughts, how He thinks, what He thinks and what are His plans. No one but God knows about it.

I will include there about the FALLEN ANGELS. As I know it, those angels decided to go down the Earth and mingle with the humankind. They had intercourse with women throughout the world, of their choice, that brought forth Giants, real giants. Then they taught humankind to make weapons of wars. They also taught them sorcery, astronomy and other "high - end" knowledge.

In my book, I will say that these fallen angels were the one who taught human kind measurements. They talked to pharoas in Egypt to inspire the making of pyramids. Some taught the Greeks about mythology. They also taught the Mayans to make the Mayan calendar. They taught people to make statues of their choice to represent them and call them "gods" because they want to be praised. The Giants helped in building what now considered to be Ancient wonders like Stonehenge, Pyramid of the Sun (Mexico), and the like. These are the wonders of the world that no man can concretely explain how the ancient men were able to do such things.

Hmmmm,,.... This looks similar yet contradictory to History Channel's Acient Alien episode where there are theorists that say our ancestors were taught by aliens. For the book, they were taught by unearthly creature, which are angels rather than aliens. This thought is also similar as written in the Book of Enoch.

I can but just imagine how the things looked like in Ancient time in my story. They saw these angels fly, they mingle with them. Then God reprimanded these angels and outcasted them into the darkest pit called Hell. with Lucifer as their chieftain. Afterward, God revealed Himself to humankind, gave them instructions how to live life, gave them 10 commandments that the first one says : "I AM your God, you shall not have other gods beside me".

But the lesser angel did not narrate EVERYTHING. It'll be just stuff about that....or whatever...

I can imagine how the book will look like, what are the contents and approximately how many pages it would contain. The only problem is I haven't started it yet and I dont know if I'll every start to write it... coz I always feel tired and lazy :P.

Pregnancy Horror and Random rant

2010-04-21T01:44:00.000-07:00

(Cafe at Night by Vincent Van Gogh) -> i love this painting

April 19, 2010

9:57 pm on the clock (advanced 20 mins.)

Last day, my team leader and my former thesis adviser (who's currently pregnant) were talking about pregnancy. They described how it is to be pregnant. All I get are scary connotations from my team leader who told us about his wife's pregnancy. I cannot add up to the conversation because I cannot relate. But only one thing that comes into my mind - it was horrible. Imagine a baby inside your body! Bbbrrrr.. The thought of it paralyzes my spine.

Oh well, I'm so glad I'm not counted as one of teenage pregnancy case in the world, not a guy has ever touched me and I'm so proud of it. See, I cannot really understand those who "accidentally" makes a baby. For me it was a very selfish thing to bring a child into this world full of war and hunger, giving the fact that the parents are unprepared. But who am I to judge. I'm just so glad that not a man could fool me regarding that stuff. Oh, stupid men. Boys, guys, men - they're just all the same. They break your heart, makes you happy, break your heart and makes you happy, they could either make you or break you, a very boring thing, they're so predictable. I memorize their anatomy, I'm familiar with their psychology, and all I can say is that they're plain boring. But how I'd love them :P. It's unbelievable how they give their powers to women to use it against them. They're all like children, having a strong heart yet stupid.

Oh! I should get a sleep now. But I don't want to 'coz I know I'll be dreaming weird scary dreams again. My nights were just full of nightmares.. huhu... It's been more than a month now when I start to dream real bad dreams. It wakes me in the middle of night, sweating and feeling real scared. No kidding. Then I go to work at day pretending not a dream of grungy stuff ever occured. Sometimes I think I'm sleeping with enemies: my bed that bruises my muscles, depression, stress, confusion and hormonal imbalance. I think I'm manic depressed. :(

Oh well, gotta sleep. Joomla! seminar tomorrow. It feels so lovely to sleep tonight because it's cold...

Just postin something that needs fixing

2010-04-14T01:07:00.000-07:00

(Take me away scandiclove: an imitation

drawn in MSPaint)

Nothing significant here. If I have to write everything that I feel and think today, this post will contain a lot of crappy sh*ts and you'll realize how disturbing I am. For now, I don't want to think about anything anymore except about my hypocrisy. I used to say to "people that needs fixing" that this world is a nice place to live in. But it feels so chaotic right now... But I know I'm the one who created my own chaos. But I love this. I find peace in this war - filled surroundings, I find peace in this turbulence, I find comfort in my own discord.

Sometimes I just want to run, but you cannot run from your own feet. I am like a root that wants to get out from the soil but I know if I do that, the tree that I carry will die. *Sighs. Whatever. For now I just want to be alone. I want this, I always knew what I want so let me be this, let me be alone, don't argue, I'm closing my mind so that I can hear the echos in my head that I create. I'm sorry for those who don't like my decision to separate from the world. I want it that way because I'm ending the world as I know it, trying to make a better place.. or whatever.. okay, I'll shut up now.

When you are in love

2010-04-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

(Somewhere in the middle of this - Drawn in MSPaint)
(I imitated Dishwalla's album art from Opaline)

When you're in love, your senses are always awake. It always feels that you're a superman, that you can do anything.

Even though you sleep at 2 am, talking to him on the phone about anything or everything or nothing at all, you can wake up at 5am still energized and ready for the day.

When you're in love you just want to do your best about your job, every single detail, you want it to be perfect because you want your love to be proud of you.

When you're inlove you just want to be with him everyday and if possible, every second of the day.

And when he is away, the distance kills you... But then it keeps you alive because you know that somewhere in the middle of it, he is there. You know that the only way to be with him is to take the distance (either you do or he does).

when you're inlove you'll get mad because he doesn't call or text the very moment you want to hear from him. But then if he does, everything's okay already and all you got is being more and more madly in - love.

When you're in love you dont tell him that you do and he doesn't tell you that he does, because both of you are AFRAID. That is so stupid and lame. But just let it flow, you'll get to the point when both of you are ready and it's all going to be alright, believe me.

True love conquers all, true love is faithful and eventhough you've waited for 4 years now, you're still willing to wait forever as long as you know that he'll be there too.

When you're in-love, you are patient and hopeful that he's going to wait for you and he trusts you that you're coming home soon.

When you're in-love you beg God to just make everything alright between the two of you, that no matter what you'll be together, that he'll be the one, the very one.

When you are in-love you give everything - and everything is your love - and your love - it's all that you've got coz it's all that you need and all that he needs from you.

Extra ketchup (or cheeseburger)

2010-03-28T18:01:00.000-07:00

(Cheese - drawn in MSPaint)

Extra Ketchup

It was year 2007 or 2008 or so, the first time I remember was when this Southway Mall is already closing for the day so the customers should go out of the building already. As I was going down the escalator from the second floor to the ground floor, I saw him. He’s scrubbing the floor of the vicinity of this fast food chain store. What really caught my attention is his smile. Then, he accidentally looked my way while I’m on that escalator, our eyes met and it was as if he’s smiling at me, closer and closer I get to the ground floor.

That time no one knows his name yet, or at least my friends don’t. That time I do not care, I’m fresh from break – up. Months passed by when I start to catch myself in that fast food chain store, eating… or am I? What I really do there is look at him mopping the floor, wiping the glasses and attending the customers.

Years passed by and I found myself completely drawn into him. I was always there to buy anything, just to see him. Daarrrnnnn…. He doesn’t have an idea how he looks like to me.

He’s an aromatic massage on my eyes after my stressful work infront of the computer.

He’s a spot of cheerfulness when everybody seems to be busy and gloomy.

He’s like an innocent boy that I want to please and stare at. If only I could stop time, I’d stop it there and then for me to just look at him, stare at him and be amazed of his beauty.

He’s an angel in disguise, the truth behind lies, the evidence that first love never dies but true love can bury it alive.

And I know he likes me. I know he was able to notice my year – long presence in that store. I was always there almost every afternoon (after work).

I know he likes me because if he doesn’t, he should’ve been the first one to look away when our eyes meet. If he doesn’t, he wouldn’t be the one to volunteer to give me my take – out order where there should be another crew to do that. If he doesn’t, he won’t glance at me while I eat and be the first one to approach me when I needed something, say, an extra ketchup. Because if he doesn’t, he won’t look at me like that, like he’s a little boy on his birthday and he treats me like I’m a special gift he waited so long to open.

Urgh, how I loved that look.

Sometimes it makes me think he’s just flirting. But, erase!

2010, last week of February. I noticed he wasn’t there anymore. Oh well, I failed to come for a month already but he’s supposed to be there during his duty hours ( I already memorized his schedule).

2010, March. He’s still not there on the usual time. I got impatient so I asked his co – crew.

“Excuse me, did Archie resigned already?” I asked.

The guy was kinda confused when I asked that, coz why the heck would I really ask that by the way? But as of the tone of my voice and the expression on my face, he should’ve known immediately the reason.

“Ooohhh.. he’s.. He’s not working here anymore. He already resigned. He was brought to the hospital and..”
And I felt he’s still going to say something but I already cut it. I already got the answer to my question, he’s not there anymore. I do not know where in the world will I ever find him! That’s the only place I know where I can see him – my only haven!

It seems that I lost him forever.

I hope I could see him outside of that place, that was a safe delusion spot, that was just a dream land, I should’ve known. When I see him outside, on the real world outside, I'll be convinced that it meant something. The next time I see him, I won’t let him go without letting me tie something between us.

Uurrhhhh… I need a drink! All you alcoholics raise ya’r wine, beer, vodka, gin glasses for me!! XD rakenrawl!

P.S.
I’m a writer. You don’t have to believe in everything I write, like it really happened in real life. I can twist the smallest detail to make it appear another way around. Or atleast if you’re lucky enough you’ll be able to differentiate the whites from all other colors. But in every post I make, you read not by your mind but by something that beats – your heart. So beat it.

Valleys Of Neptune
Kindle Wireless Reading Device (6" Display, Global Wireless, Latest Generation)
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Two-Disc Special Edition)
The Notebook (New Line Platinum Series)

I Want To Swim

2010-03-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

(Shawrky - Drawn in MSPaint)

Even though I never learned how to swim, I feel like I want to swim right now. Watching movies? It's just an escape from reality, it only worsen my condition when I watch sci - fi movies. Comedies are the only type of entertainment for me. I hope our office outing could do some good things to me. Kudos!

== Swim, Swim! ==
(instant poem, as always.. XD)

Swim, swim through the lake,
what you got?
A swan!
Swim, swim through the mud
what you got?
An ogre?
Swim, swim through the road,
through the rocky spiky road,
through the mountains and hills too,
through it all, just to be with you.
Swim, swim through your dreams,
Don't stop now, you're almost there
Swim, swim through the meadows,
through a tree,
what you got?
You got me.

Yeah Right

2010-03-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

{ My Own Rendition Of Happiness - Distorted, Dinosaur, Darn Im So Not The Mood }
Drawn in MSPaint

Tik.tok. 1:45 am

Needs to be real. I am fake. I'm not Okay but I believe that being fine starts with accepting that you are not.

So what now?

I see you, you dont see me,
I want you, you don't want me,
Someone wants me, but I dont want him
I want you, so what now???

I swear I'm losing my sanity, I swear I wanna cry .. T_T been years now since I cried. I want to watch scary movies to make me cry real hard. :((

I just want to let go of this negative emotion.

I'm just so fed up to be somebody else.

But as long as I'm not with you,

I'll never be myself, trust me.

:((

I don't want to play around anymore,
If you cant be a brick to be build me a home, f**k off.

:((
...

Thank You XD

2010-03-12T02:18:00.000-08:00

(Drawn in MSPaint)

I just want to thank everyone who visited my blog and continually reads my posts. THANK YOU!

You might want to check my previous posts ^_^

A Love Letter
He Asked Me to Marry Him (A Wedding Proposal)
Rainy Days
There's Something Aching Inside of Me
It Was You
Destroying Nature (I told you it's planning suicide)
Graffiti on Facebook II
Graffiti on Facebook
Updating my Skatepark!
If you must love me
The Face that I really want
I Swear I loved you
How to say it
The night birds
Note My Valentine

His life mainly consists of finding someone to hold

2010-02-27T19:37:00.000-08:00

^_^

I tried to think an "eye-catching" title for this post to keep the reader, to be atleast, hooked to my new rant. Thinking of what to say, I am keeping the title more HONEST and plain this time. I realize that this post could just be 'none sense' and I'd rather be glad if no one could read it. So if you made it this far, congratulations and THANK YOU.

I am just moved by him, looking for somebody to hold to, someone that he could call his own. Haven't he realized that I'm just here? Haha.. This kinda funny, kinda screwn-out-old-highschool-line that I should overgrow already. In this real battle of love and true love, you couldn't just ask someone to stay with you and even though you do anything to make him/her realize that he/she doesn't realize that you are there for him/her, only an act of God would make that person change his/her mind. Even though you say someone's not worth it for somebody's love, the love that someone feels for somebody makes it all the worth. 21 years and counting, I am also looking for somebody to love, waiting at the same time that I may decide to change my mind not to wait for someone's not gonna come. But as Naruto said "Your home is where someone's constantly thinking of you". So I am continually thinking of him because I know he wants to be "home".

AND!! Sometimes I think that I'm a prick coz I always end up with a prick coz almost all the gorgeous guys I know are taken (if not gay wahahhaha) :)) AND!!!! I'm wonderin if I could wait for you tonight and if I do , won't you keep me waiting??? .. XD

*lol*

We dont want no zombies in our lawn

2010-02-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

(I'm Already Late With My Deadline - Drawn in MSPaint)

Can't you see? I'm a programmer ----- and being a programmer is like being a zombiiiiiieeeeeee.... Except for the fact that zombies eat brains.. Eww.. It's just that we don't have life AND money. Lifeless AND poor! Logical operator AND. Raawwrrr!!! Poor zombie I am! Wakes up to code then codes before sleeping. No more night-outs, no more hang-outs, no more life AND no more money! Logical operator AND there. XD \m/ rakenrawwwl!!

***

Black Day

2010-02-19T01:02:00.000-08:00

***

It's my black day! Haha Happy Birthday to meeee! ayeee!! :)) So happy today which proves that you don't need to receive material gifts for your bday.. haha

Im givin out a poem here ^___^

Places

Tell me of a place
Where we can share the same light.
Tell me of a place
Where we can surf the same tide.
Tell me of a place
Where we can walk on the same shore.
Tell me of a place
Where we can stay forevermore.
Then I'd give up everything
Just to be with you
And I'd give up everything
To be with that place with you.

*** lol = labor of love. lol!***

Black roses or yellow tulips please!!!!!!! ^__^

----

It is confirmed!

2010-02-18T04:49:00.000-08:00

(Eyes set Ice - drawn in MSPaint)

It is confirmed! I so like you.. At first I deny it to myself but now I cant help but shout to the world that I'm so falling!

LOL. It's just a crush and I just over reacted.. :D

***

If you have mask give it to me so I can sleep with it.

2010-02-15T00:42:00.000-08:00

****

The face that launched a thousand fireflies

I cannot draw your face,
No, i cant sketch any line.
Your calm resemblance
that looks like twilight
Yet sunrise at the same time,
Your invigorating countenance
Oh, how I'd love to touch it.
It cannot be written,
No, it cannot be put down into papers,
No, the pencils cannot handle it,
No, I'll just stare into the paper
And imagine you were there
Staring back at me.

***

How was y'ar day?? :D

2010-02-11T19:03:00.000-08:00

"Amber Hair" Drawn in MSPaint

***

Coz when she says she needs someone to love, hope you know, she doesnt mean you..
-from Howie Day : She Says

How do I explain thee?
When you smile closer at me,
I want to tell myself "love this man".
So I wonder why
We have to keep silent,
and I wonder why
This isn't meant.
Coz when you say
"I need someone to love"
I hope you know,
I want you to mean me.
And when you break down
And say the words
I never heard,
Hope you know,
I wish I did.
And when I say
"I need somebody else to love",
Hope you know,
I really mean ' you'.

** wooot! Happy Valentines! **

ASEAN Logics - Time to BE AWARE

2010-02-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

**

I've come across with really relevant stuff over the internet last day. It is about how youth in Asia could participate in helping people help the youth. Know more by clicking this link >>

http://philippines.youthsays.com/allstar/aseanlogics

What is ASEAN Logics?

"ASEAN Students Engaging Action for Local and Regional Contribution to Society (ASEAN Logics) is a forum that is designed to facilitate direct interaction among ASEAN youth and is specifically focused on increasing the regional awareness among Southeast Asians youth. The Programme seeks to provide a platform for participants to share their knowledge and discuss their roles and responsibilities as youth in addressing the issues in the ASEAN region. ASEAN LOGICS Kuala Lumpur 2010 zooms in on experience-sharing and working towards a joint action among the participating countries. Its main aim is to convene youth from ASEAN member countries in one forum and facilitate them in taking direct actions to resolve a variety of issues affecting the community around them. Take your action now!"
-from YouthSays.com ASEAN Logics campaign page

**

Instantatious

2010-01-31T22:17:00.000-08:00

Your face beams like a light at the end of the tunnel.
At night it is the moon that shines my way.
During daylight it is the sun that gives life.
It is something i cant imagine without.

Your eyes swell like the rain on my window pane.
They are the stars that have fallen once again.
But tonight you are mine and nothin' else matters.
Our strength lies on how much pain we gain.

***

Hope For the Flowers - short story

2010-01-13T17:31:00.000-08:00

If you aint nuthin to do, want somethin to read or just passed by here, you might want to read the story HOPE FOR THE FLOWERS by Trina Paulus.

This story inspired me a lot and gave me an idea of what it is to fly.. Please start with Chapter 1 :P

To read the story(that i patiently typed) CLICK HERE

---- LINK(S) ---

Hope for the Flowers.Org

:)

A Love Letter

2009-12-03T00:25:00.000-08:00

Costeñita Soy
(Drawn in MSPaint)

You've written a thousand lines, yet a million more to come. Life is tiresome.

You waited for 20 years or so for the man and yet Pandora has kept her in a box away from you. “Where is my gift?” you asked. You prayed, once again you did. The echo in the Cathedral contains the voice of an angry beggar, full of complaints that hurt the ears of the statues. You asked where the betrothed for you is, what took it so long, why it has to be this cold.

Doomed. Hear the sound of silence. There is much in store for you if you look at the horizon. You overlooked the sky because you saw a nimbus cloud; you’re a petty thief, stole your own life but never used it;

Still you write poems, you write letters that you wish were read by the ones you intended to hear. They’ll never understand, for the words you speak are like of the prophet’s: full of riddles, how poor yet rich, awesome yet full of angst, leading yet lost.

You wait, still. It is something you are immune to do. What’s new? Life is boring because you cannot do what you want to do, you cannot be with whom you want to be, you cannot be where you wanted to be and you cannot because you didn’t try. You will try but it won’t be easy and you are tired of the difficult. Life won’t give you more surprise just to make you feel that you are bored again. Life is … unexplainable.

Back to the dungeon where you wish someone will save you. Silly. Never trust their kind yet, they all do the same, they all are like cactus – you get hurt the moment you hug them. Silly girl. You forgot what he smelled like but you still wanted to take a bite. That is good, never be afraid to love again.

**I will wait for you, it's something that's left of me to do. You are my only hope.. for four years and more you were there and I am here.. For four years and more, I am the most person that owns your heart.. For four years and more, you should be the one that owns mine...

***

Peaceful Mindanao amidst news on violence.

2009-11-24T21:20:00.000-08:00

screen clipping from video from BBC News website

There's such violence everywhere!

Why do people see Mindanao as chaotic ground of rebels, terrorists and murderers??

"MINDANAO is NO STRANGER to VIOLENCE " - BBC News

Why does news everywhere have to carry the name of MINDANAO to reflect the violence in Maguindanao?? Can't they just say "MAGUINDANAO is NO STRANGER to VIOLENCE"? Anyways, can't blame those who are not "from here" because they really don't know what's really happening in this island. They just rely on news and sometimes news are really MISLEADING. It's undeniable that there are sorts of violence, terrorism and conflicts in this island but it's not as grave as how most of the people see it. My friends often tell me to go back to Manila because it's not safe here anymore. It's not safe anywhere in the world, I'd say and these things also happen in Luzon and Visayas (Philippines). There could be severity in this part of the world but still not severe enough to scare the people, both Filipinos and foreigners, away.

Are you a blogger? Coming from Mindanao? Then you're a Mindanao Blogger! We could counteract on the negative news and articles about Mindanao that people usually see over the internet! Let's blog for peace, tell the world about all the good things we have in Mindanao.

On a brighter side, it's Mindanao Week of Peace.

The Mindanao Week of Peace is a comprehensive promotional activity that involves various GOs, NGOs, and PO's in advocating the culture of peace in the Southern Philippines. It is a celebration of peace which was initiated in Zamboanga City by Peace Advocates Zamboanga Foundation, Inc. (PAZ) and SALAM Foundation in 1997. It has snowballed into a Mindanao-wide event as adopted by the Bishops-Ulama Conference and perpetuated as an annual observance through Presidential Proclamation 127, S. 2001

Try checking out the schedule of Activities:
MINDANAO Week of Peace 2009 Schedule of Activities

--from HolaZamboanga

List of some nice Mindanao - related blogs I know:

Mindanao Magazine
Ang Dabawenyo
Hola Zamboanga

***

Doors

2009-11-20T02:44:00.000-08:00

- DOORS -
(instant poem)

You left in the rain without closing the doors
I walked away to tell you more,
I don't care for now if I'm alone
I can make my self a home.
I worry about the sorrows you bring
Your self - inflicted pains, your sins, your sins.
But it has always been me from the very start
I am the most person that owns your heart.

So sad we cannot be together
But still parting is never forever.
You might think this poem's not for you
But you're the only reason why I write, why I continue..
For now.

***

Bygones

2009-11-12T23:21:00.000-08:00

Introducing, Bygone spray! The very thing you need if you need to forget! Just spray a generous amount onto your face and remember all the things you want to forget. Afterwards, you would already be able to forget those things!

You will feel immediate results! Try one now!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bygone Spray - imaginary product. Many people seems to want to forget. I've got the idea of 'MSPainting' the image above from the saying: Let be bygones be bygones. This expression means to forget something, usually bad things, from the past.

My question is, to what extent can you forget? You may always try NOT TO REMEMBER but that doesn't mean you could really forget. Past is what made the "you" right now. I don't really agree on the phrase "Let's move on our separate ways and forget everything that we had." because I believe that the things we ought to forget are:
- someone's mistakes
- fight
- pride

Though many people wanted to forget their past, I'll always try to remember though it will be a little bit hurtful. Bad memories doesn't really mean they should be forgotten. I need to remember, to know where I've done wrong in my decision, how to avoid hurting somebody and use my past to do some strategic planning in my life.

Hence, I don't need that "Bygone" product.

***

HUSH - POEM (2008)

2009-11-09T17:36:00.001-08:00

"INK_JET drawn in MSPaint Nov.1, 2009"

HUSH

Hush, you don't have to say anything
Words are confusing,
Words are misleading,
It is enough that you are now
Lying here with me.

Hush, I already made up my mind
You don't have to rewind,
This time I'll be kind,
To give my everylittle everything
Without asking anything in return.

Hush, don't worry, I am not scared
Love should be shared,
Lovers should be bared,
What's important is we listened
To the silence of our words.

Hush now, Hush...

***

Frozen Town

2009-10-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

HOPELESS ROMANTIC

I'm here again, re-visiting my self - made town. This is where I feel cold, this is a dungeon, but in most ways this is where I feel home, I feel safe. I'm making a cocoon, planning to completely lose myself.. because I feel that when I do, that's the only time I get the chance to find it.

P.S. Haven't heard from him for a long time now. Maybe that will be our last conversation. Everything's got to change for him already .. and I -- am going nowhere.

HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM (A WEDDING PROPOSAL)

2009-10-07T20:15:00.003-07:00

Wedding Gown by Makai585 (deviantart.com)

---

2nd of October 2009, the rain is pouring hard outside as I sit inside a bar with a bottle of Red Horse stallion at my hand. My friend, seated next to me, received a text message that she immediately handed over to me.

"I'll call you", the message read. "ok" I replied.

With less than a minute, he called. I went to the comfort room to receive his call; I don't want my friends to overhear our conversation.

We talked over the phone as I watched my reflection at the huge mirror infront of me. We chatted, basically he was just asking me how was I, how was the school, and other casual things. I told him I lost my phone and won't be having one for a longer time. I also asked him how he is since it's been flooding in Metro Manila recently .. if he's been affected by the calamity .. if he's okay. I'm glad he is okay. After about a quarter of an hour talking, he opened the real topic to be discussed, his real reason for calling.

"I want to marry you.." he said calmly.

I kept silent, thinking if I heard it right.

"What?" I asked, for him to repeat it, for me to be sure of what he said.

"I said I want to marry you.."

I laughed... or if it is what you call it. "So you're taking your jokes to the next level, huh?" I said, smiling at myself in the mirror.

"No, Jet, I'm serious, you know what I've been feeling for you.... now.... I want to marry you... I'll be there in Zamboanga tomorrow to ask you personally"

"You must be kidding"

"No, I'm not."

"Okay then, I'll just wait for you tomorrow... if ever you'll be here..."

I wanna hang up but he still said something that I overheard because I was hearing the sound of the pounding of my heart.

"I'll see you tomorrow, "

"Okay..."

He's crazy, I said to myself.

I went back to our table where my friends were happily singing and chatting. They teased me for the call I just received, I acted like it was nothing, I acted like the call was really really really nothing. I looked outside the glass window, it's still raining hard outside.

3rd of October 2009, about 12 noon, I went to the time record area of employees near the gate of the school to time - out. Saturday is just a half day work for me. When I looked outside the gate I saw him standing there. He is outside Trebor/ Roberts, a store infront of the gate 2. He stands there, as he usually does when he was still studying here. He looked at me, stared at me, I heard him say "come..." but I did not see his mouth opened.

I went to him, how nostalgic, after almost 4 years we saw each other again. This will be the 2nd time we'll talk personally.

"Let's have our lunch" he said, I just nodded.

We went to Chinitos, a restaurant infront of the school. I thank the Lord that there are only few people there. We seated at the isolated part of the resto.

I looked at him, he looks at me. I know he wanted to start talking, I know he wanted to start explaining. I am afraid that he won't, that last night was just a joke.

"Jet...." he said.

Urgh.... His manly voice awakened my senses, like an aroma, like a relief from the long winter I've been to.

"Jet..." he repeated.

"Whut?" I said.

"I want to marry you"

"Yeah, as what you said last night"

Silence.. pondering thoughts, is this real?

"Why?" I asked.

"Because...." he said.

1 second 2 seconds 3 seconds 4.. 5.. 6.. 7...

"Because I love you.." he continued.

1.. 2..

"Really, huh...?" I said, smiling.

"You don't believe me?"

"I do ... believe... "

Then silence was over us. I didn’t look at him because I know he’s looking at me. I cannot bear to see his eyes.

"Let's get married." He said again. He said it with a tone that’s more than of a please but less than of a beg.

"I am not even your girlfriend.. then you're asking me to marry you? How do you expect me to react?"

"You don't have to be my girl friend to marry me, all you need is to be my fiancée.."

"You don't even know me!"

"I know you.... Jet, I know you that's why I fell in love"

"YOU KNEW ME. The Jet that you knew is long gone. I am not who I was 4 years ago."

"You are still you, the same smile, the same voice.. Though you looked prettier this time, I must admit"

"Oh nose..." I said with a sigh.

"You see.."

Then he was interrupted as our order arrived. We ate right away and diverted our topic to the “less important ones” - what we were up to the previous years, etc. I learned that he never had a girlfriend after his relationship with one of my closest friend before, after they broke up.. that was 4 years ago. How amazing we have kept our communication amidst the distance and time.

Desert time.. and I wanna desert him.. I wanted to go home, wanted to feel the rain falling on the roof as I lay in my bed, day dreaming.

He repeated his proclamation of his intention to marry me.

"But why?" I hastily asked.

"I already told you...."

"No, tell me why.. I know that's not the reason, well, maybe one of the reasons but I know that's not the major reason..."

"What? ... you ... that... That's the real reason, the major reason … but… not the only reason....."

"Okay, so tell me what it is."

He looked at me, I looked at him, he could barely move his lips to start to talk again.

"I am... Well... my mom...."

"Your mom?...."

"My mom wants me to marry some other girl immediately, you know, parental.. uhm.. culture, religion.." He said. He said that with a relief but twice as much pain in his face. He’s a Muslim by the way and it’s common to them to be betrothed.

*Silence..... *Then there were tumbleweeds.. woooshh..... wooshhh.... then another tumble weed.. woooooooooooosssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

"Jet?" he called out to me.

I have to tell him this, I said to myself so I started talking.

"You know it just hurts. You want to marry me because you have to, you don't love me..."

"You know I do! I've been telling you that for years!"

"You've been telling that as a joke -- for years!"

"It's true.. It's ..."

"You don’t really love me. You want me, you need me, but you don’t love me"

"Why do you say that? I... I ... I wouldn’t want to marry you if I don’t love you!"

"Yeah, let's say that you love me, but you didn’t even ask if I love you, you didn’t even ask how I feel for you."

"I know you feel the same... If you don’t then you wouldn't be here"

"I'm in-love with another man .. no... guy.. he's still a guy... I'm in - love with another guy. I am... in - love .. with another guy.."

DARN. I couldn’t believe I repeated that hurtful statement for three times, it's like stabbing him that much too!

He is surprised, looked at me like he realize he doesn't know me anymore, like he never thought I would fall in - love for someone else. Could he blame me? I never said I love him. I want him, I've been wanting him for so long ... But I don't even know if I could love him, if I would ever fall in love. How could I explain that he was so stupid believing he's got a hold on me!

Silence. Total doom. It just hurts because I can feel his burden in his aura, and I refused to ease his pain. Me -- the one that he thought would save him, just stabbed him three times and more.

"You know.. You're old enough, you don’t have to marry that girl because your mom wants to.." I said, trying to atleast calm the situation.

"No... You don't understand.." He said, looking down at the melting ice cream.

I think I do understand, somehow but not completely. I saw something in him that wouldn’t want him say “no” to his mother. More than fear, he feels respect, more than respect, he feels LOVE - love to the very woman he trusted for all of his life, the very woman that would love him for all of her life too.

"I... I am sorry...." I said softly, looking at him. He looked at me and I saw in his face that he's bothered by the look of my eyes. He thought that I would be crying.. but .. no... I won’t shed a tear. My tear ducts were over used for the past months, they are malfunctioning now. I told him not to worry because I always get those teary eyes but that doesn’t mean I’ll cry.

We talked, he explained.

He explained.

He explained.

He is persuading me.

"You don't understand.... What you're offering me is a wedding." I said, softly but firmly.

"Are you afraid to get wed?"

"NO. But you see, I DO NOT WANT A WEDDING, I WANT A MARRIAGE AND IT'S SOMETHING YOU CANNOT GIVE TO ME RIGHT NOW"

He is stunned.

He knows this ain’t going nowhere.

Blaa...

Blaaa...

For hours we were there, talking, like strangers in the dark that finally found a light, but also found out that the light was just coming from a cigarette.

I won’t let me burn us; he is still special to me in any way.

Bla...

"I want to go home" I said.

"Home! Home... Where is your home? Come with me in Manila, that’s where your real home is.."

"I want to go back to my boarding house"

"I know you will just get bored there... Bored - ing house ... Let's roam, I know you want to see the sea.."

I was like, "wtf?!!!". How did he know I wanted to see the sea? I can't remember I've said it before to anyone else, not even to my friendly wall (my blog is a friendly wall).

I agreed to go out with him, to the sea. As I was in his car, as we were about to go, I asked him "Did you really know that I wanted to see the sea? Or you just guessed it?"

"Actually, I just guessed it..." he said smiling, a sly smile in his lips. Then the engine started.

What an intelligent guess.

We spent the rest of the day together, getting to know each other, talking about places, animals, names, things, and scores(you know) - PANTS. (Rar.. never mind..)

It's almost 10 in the evening of the same day when I got home. Before I totally turned my back away from him to walk into the dark, heading to the boarding house, he said:
"I know you wouldn’t change your mind now. I hope we could do this again, talk for hours, together, just the two of us. Jet, please remember that I'll be loving you... until when - that I don't know..."

DARN!!!! I wanted to cry. Hearing him say those words is like reading his farewell letter!

"Goodbye," I said with a smile.. He smiled back without saying a word. I turned my back and started to walk, looking at the reflection of the moon on the wet ground. I know he is still there, looking at me because I did not hear him drove off.

He was there.. looking at me walking away from him, I said goodbye without even saying hello. He looked at me until his line of sight cannot reach me anymore. Then he drove off.

(*Sigh...) I will surely miss that MAN. I hope his hopes will be fulfilled. He could be the one that won’t try to hurt me. But I just can’t seize him with a lie. I don’t wanna use him just to have somebody by my side, but I don’t wanna lose him… Urgh.. Now... I am even more confused with life... But I know my decision was right.. it WAS right.

---

RAINY DAYS

2009-09-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

***

I sure love the rain.

I'll call him RAIN.

How he pours outside on a supposedly typical day, I swear I don't wanna look right behind the curtain. I'm hearing every drop, and every drop reminds me of him. It was a cold stormy day as I sit in front of the computer. I am here for work, not for another nostalgic moment. I've thought too much, felt too much, dreamt too much that I wish I could just forget. FORGET - because everyday and every night I seem to remember.

I hate Greenwhich, I hate McDonald's, I hate the butterfly garden and La Vista resort. I hate Pasonanca, I hate myself for not hating him.

I'd rather go shopping. Ö lol.

I am... trying to forget and to hate.

It's not you, it's me. I'm broke, I'm incomplete. Damn reasons. I'm broke and incomplete too, I'm rotten, I'm worse than you.

I will wish for a star to fall in one of Pasonanca's hill tonight to ask for a miracle - forget teh rain.

The rain never failed to fail me. The rain fulfilled the prophecies of people around me - those that he thought hates him.

I am writing to keep me sane. After all that has happened, I sure love the rain.

But it could be just a waste of time. It's okay, still okay.. I think.. Love is never really wasted when you give it away, it is wasted if it is kept.

I'm so pathetic, so masochistic, so stupid. Stop it Jet, stop it. But I'm 90% okay and I'm contented with it. It's gonna be okay as they say "there's a rainbow after the rain". I am hopeful.. I love rainbows too..more than I love the rain.

***
It's his birthday tomorrow. And... it will be just another typical day for me. I hope it rains.

***

Please feel free to browse my other blogs. :)

CP: I lost it. O_O

2009-09-27T20:28:00.000-07:00

I lost my cp :P (MSPaint)

What’s new? Nothin’ really, it’s a normal for me to just gust off a cellphone. Actually, it’s normal for me to lose anything, even everything. I lost my only usb, my most favorite bracelet that Randy gave to me, lost all of my earrings, lost the people that I wish would stay, lost my senses, lost my self. (wait, it’s getting too far :P).

My precious, half – alive, old modeled, Nokia cell phone: goodbye. It’s hard to accept that I lost it, I just lost it. I’ve been loving it for so long.. but now, I lost it. It’s the longest cp that ever stayed in my hands. What’s more miserable is that it’s my grandma’s cp that she gave to me last January 2008 because I don’t have one because I just lost one and my parents won’t buy me one and I don’t have money to buy one. XD.

So what now? Move on. Cellphones just come and go. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to keep something, or someone, you can but just lost it. It’s inevitable, I say. XD

For those who wants to contact me, please refrain for a while. Imma buy a new one after I receive my salary at teh end of the month. Darn, I’ll be buying an old Nokia model so that it won’t hurt that much if ever I’ll lose it again. XD

I am still hopeful that I could find it, that it will come back to me O_O

Featured song: In Loving Memory -by Alterbridge
(this song makes me sob a hundred times)

Lyrics:
Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

Ooo's

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

GOD AND EVIL (stale as it is)

2009-09-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

***

Did GOD created evil? Is He in hell too? We humans can but give our mundane opinion. Who really knows by the way? I'm so sick of opinions about this topic, so sick of hearing tormented souls and 'i-was-enlightened' people debating.

May it be right, may it be wrong, may it be debatable, I just want to share this video. I don't care if it was really Einstein, don't really care if it's fallible. One thing's for sure - this made sense to me. But still I'll look for something that will reprove this until I cannot reprove anymore. Watch it for yourself.

Does God exist? Does Evil exist too? Did God created evil? Is He evil too?

I am so inspired with the things that I've read today. Maybe this will be the start of teh real moving on. I hope so. I just want to restart. I don't want to hope that there's such thing as someone that'll save me. Maybe.. I'm the only one that can save myself. I wanna puke. I wanna forget.

"...so from all of us at Aerosmith, to all of you out there wherever you are, remember the light at the end of the tunnel may be YOU, good night" - Amazing by Aerosmith

To all of you at Aerosmith:

perhaps you are right.

There's Something Aching Inside of Me

2009-09-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

you are the only one that really stayed, Miggy

...

There's Something Aching Inside of Me

I wonder what it is. So I put my left hand on the middle of my chest and feel the beat, but it's not that something. I also put my right hand on my back to feel the intake of every air, but it's not that something too. I feel my thighs, my arms, my head... They're not aching.

So I sigh..

...
....

Maybe it's because of the new bra.

** you cannot feel the soul through your hands..

SOME of the contents of my previous posts were lies (I am a certified liar), written by a pretentious sober soul(I'm a great pretender) that haunts me today, making me sick all over. I don't want the world to know I'm broken..wait..I don't feel broken after all.. Uhm.. I don't want the world to know I'm sad and frustrated and depressed and.. and... etc.. lol..

I wanna thank Collective Soul for making me feel better.

...

What I am NOT

2009-09-18T01:30:00.000-07:00

***
I am not a genie but how I'd love to grant ALL your wishes.
***

drawn in MSPaint

"Wake Up! He's not worth it!"
I've heard this line from my girl friends a hundred times already. They always say that I always choose the wrong person to love. But is there such thing as "wrong person"? Is there such thing as "the right one"? I believe that my love would make them the right one and my love would make them worth it.

Let's remember, God loves us so much even though we are NOT WORTH IT. Not because of, but inspite of..

Now I feel sorry for myself for I am feeling I am falling away from God. I doubt His existence (again) and question the things that "He could've planned ahead for me". I have a lot of "what if, if, if, if He's existing, if He's not then why...blaaaaaa....)

I have only two options: to believe in Him or to cease believing. If I do, it gives me even the slightest comfort, if I don't it makes me feel more lost. So I'll choose what makes me feel better.

I don't know, I am just so lost. I cannot make this on my own, I cannot find the way home alone. I was damaged by the fall, but, still, here I am, feeling stronger, I must be invincible.

I am still keeping my roots firm, these roots are planted in the hands of God. He's the only One that I could ever trust. I cannot even trust myself! Humans - they are all broken and blind. Angels - not sure of them. Evil - never mind. I don't know.... *sobs... I don't know... Still, I pray...

God doesn't command what he hates to do
But why does He let these things happen to me? I'm not Job.
Are you sure He let these things happen to you? Or you invoked these things?
These happenings will make you stronger.
I am strong! What now? Do He want me to give up?
No. He wants you to hold on.
I am holding on! What now?
There's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Liar. The rainbow doesn't have an ending.
O_O .... blaa .. bla...

***

izh Waiting For Someone That Will Save Her Life

2009-09-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

(Figuring it out - shot taken years ago)

They say wait for him, wait for it,
others say you just have to make a move.
As for me, I am waiting
And searching
At the same time
For someone
That would not just tell me
Things I'd love to hear
But for someone
That can truly save me
That can truly save my life.
I cannot make it alone.
I am so lost
in my own home.

***

If I AM Blind

2009-09-11T00:50:00.001-07:00

Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Luke 6:39-42.
And he told them a parable, "Can a blind person guide a blind person? Will not both fall into a pit?
No disciple is superior to the teacher; but when fully trained, every disciple will be like his teacher.
Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own?
How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me remove that splinter in your eye,' when you do not even notice the wooden beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter in your brother's eye.

I partially agree with the gospel above. Sorry, I might sound bad but this is my opinion. I know I'm stubborn ;P . Oh well, "Can a blind person guide a blind person?". I dunno. But I always thought of - if they are both blind, and they are in-love, they could find their way together and help each other see. Together, they will develop their potentials and will try hard to remove their blindness. Together, they will succeed, together, they will fly.

Hay.. I've been searchin for "relevant materials" these past days. They say that they found peace and contentment with God, that everything has a purpose, that everything's going to be hoookay. Until now I search for the meaning of all these, for these happenings depress me bigtime. I searched for the promised light, I cannot see, or am I blinded already because I always see that light? I mean, I am used to the concept of Christianity and Catholicism already that it made me feel lost in my own home. O_O

Oh, snap...

Whatever.. I know... I will always love what I repeatedly hate and I'll always find what I always tend to lose - myself.

*grasps breath

What's happening to me?

2009-09-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

Drawn in MSPaint

I find it hard to focus on things. I always catch my self staring blankly at almost everything. Everynight I dream of him, literally! He appears on my dream EVERY NIGHT for more than a month now. What's wrong? I always think of him, every day, every moment I remember him. But I do not love him no more. Do I? I don't know O.o Is it guilt or something? Or someone's cursing me? Doing some voo - doo stuff? Why is this? I am used with break - up, it 's a normal scenario for me coz I don't stay long in a relationship. It wouldn't hurt me that much anymore. I am not hurt anymore, it's just that I wonder why he keeps on appearing in my dream and why something's bothering me, something that I do not know O.o

My mood swing is getting worse, I'm losing my appetite. I tend to vomit more often now, my sickness returned. Those bloods keep on spilling again. I don't wanna see my friends, I don't wanna talk to my brother. I'm so disturbed. I need a psychologist but I do not know where to find one. I could ask my ex though where's his psychologist but he doesn't wanna talk to me ;P

Now... what now? I'll go back to work.. as if nothing is happening inside me, as if nothing, nothing bothers me.

AND SO I ASK "WHAT'S GOIN ON?!"

***

It was you (for no person in particular)

2009-09-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

drawn in MSPaint

***

This is for no person in particular, I just love the idea it brings :)

***

IT WAS YOU

So it was really you, the guy that's full of hate,
the guy that's so bored with this life, the guy that I loved.
You are someone that's afraid to trust yet so eager to start to,
Someone that's sick of this life yet eager to enjoy every second,
You are someone like me,
You are someone that I used to love.
You are someone that pretends to be strong,
Although I know you are and you could be.
Someone that says "I'm used to pain"
But every slice kills you, unlike me.
Someone that's so hypocrite, So stubborn, so poor,
Someone different, no one else is like you.
I wanted to be like you.
I never meant to change you
Because I accept you for who you are, for who you were
But I cannot accept the possibility that you end there,
that you would just end there.
You are someone that's meant to fly
So how come you keep on crawling?
C'mon stupid caterpillar, it's time to make cocoon.

***

ALL F**KED UP

2009-09-03T02:42:00.000-07:00

drawn in MSPaint

I listen to every word you say
I hear the voice that calls me at night
But it wasnt you, it was me,
Im calling myself to do something right -
To give up the fight,
I should give up the fight.

I just wanna fuckin hate you
But every hurt you bring wont do
I'll do anything to just feel better
This may mean everything, everything.
why cant i fucking do?
why cant i hate you?

Tell me once again
Things that's easy for you to tell
Close the door, shut to my face,
Hurt me more, just hurt me
But I cannot hate you,
It's something I cannot do.

Don't worry I don't love you
Like I loved you yesterday
My life wont stop without you
Neither will it be better if you're here
Im just waiting for these feelings to die
The natural death.

Give me time to deal with these changes.
I just lost my 99.9% when I lost you
So don't think it'll be easy.
Dont worry Im not coming back
Just to feel you pushing me away.
Why cant I be so mad...?

***

Two asterisks

2009-08-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

Drawn in MSPaint

***

MAY 17, 2009 (see the post)

"Where am I? What am I doing here? Who am I? Who are you? Why are you here? Where will you take me? Why? Why? Is this true? If it's just a dream, it's the sweetest of all. If it'll stop just when I'm enjoying it the most, I'll go back to the dungeon, wishing no prince would ever save me again just to lock me in again. But then Im holding on to all the things he said. Until when would he mean it? I do not know. But it felt so real. If those were lies then, perhaps, lies are true. If I have to take these chances, I want to take these with you."

---

She cannot stand it anymore, she's falling out. It's 4 o'clock in the morning, it's starting to get light, but for her it's getting dimmer. Just the thought of him makes her confused and tired. So she texted him goodbye. She told him her formula goodbye words, "I never wanted to hurt you but now I did... blaaaa...". Now, she lives her life like she did before he came - cold and bitter.

I am starting to bleed, as he starts to recover.
I am starting to fly, while he still enjoys the crawl.
I am starting to remeber, while he forgets everything we had.

I lost you, but not as much you lost yourself and not as much as I lost mine. Friendship could still be instill in our dying bond. This is not to ignite any flame, but to make the days a lot easier, at least for me. Why be friends? Why not??

Until this day, dawn has never come your way. This is because you turned your back from the horizon. You are not in silence, you are in total doom. And I - am in my dungeon again. Hope to see you soon.

***
P.S. there are thoughts that has to be published,
or else it'll consume you..

I WENT TO MASS LAST SUNDAY

2009-08-17T00:31:00.000-07:00

Harder than you know
Drawn in MSPaint

After 2 months,
I attended a Roman Catholic mass again
Last sunday.
I felt more unsure of life.

By the time that we have to offer a "PEACE" to each other,
I held back, I really held back
Because I cannot say "Peace be with you"
Because I cannot give what I do not have
No peace.. no peace...

I have never been with the person that I really want
I've been with the people that wants me
But I don't want them enough.

I am tired of being what I SHOULD be
I just wanna be what I want me to be
But they will get hurt - mom, dad, bro..

I am lost.
And that mass just made me realize
How hard it would be to come back home.

Lord, are you there?

***

Acceptance

2009-08-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

Drawn in MSPaint

***

It's better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all - St. Augustine

It's not how long we held each other's hand
What matters is how well we loved each other
It's not how far we travelled on our way
Of what we found to say
It's not the spring you see, but all the shades of green

It's not how long I held you in my arms
What matters is how sweet the days together
It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall
What matters most is that we loved at all.

What matters most is that we LOVED at all.
(And I hope that wouldn't end there)

You have to go and find yourself
Are you becoming someone you're not supposed to be?
Do you still recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you?

You say you're leaving me
As I look at you walking away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know i'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you (Until when? I already told you)

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time as I go somewhere
I picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

I can't get close if your not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you, i can't save you
It's something you have to do

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Or if you want me walk with you
As you look for your way home,
You can come back to me.

*the lyrics were modified to suit my emotion*
Credits:
What Matters Most - Kenny Rankin
Come Back to Me - David Cook

***

May Isang Bata

2009-08-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

***

Ito ay kwento ng isang bata. Ang tawag ng mga tao sakanya ay "Ibil". Tama, siya si Ibil. Kakaiba siya dahil gusto siyang busugin ng madaming tao pero ayaw niya. Nag-aalala tuloy si Baterply sa kanya, kasi baka mangayayat siya at mamatay sa gutom. Hmmm.. Si Baterply ay dating kaibigan ni Ibil. Eh, bigla nalang sinabi ni Ibil na "Ayaw na kitang maging kaibigan". Pero si Baterply ay di susuko kasi sabi ni Ibil dati "Wag tayong susuko". Eh, sumuko na si Ibil kasi daw nawalan na siya ng gana.. Sure? Kilala na ni Baterply si Ibil. Pero mas kilala pa rin ni Ibil ang sarili niya. Pero alam ni Baterply na nawawala nanaman siya sa sarili niya. Masakit man tanggapin ang katotohanan may mga bagay na sadyang nakakabadtrip. Gusto pa rin tulungan ni Baterply si Ibil. Ngayon, mas naiintindihan na niya si Ibil.

Tingin ng mga tao kay Ibil ay ibil talaga. Pero may kukunting tao na hindi ganun ang tingin sa kanya. Isa na dun si Baterply,pati na rin ang mga pinaka malalapit na kaibigan ni Ibil na sila Andu, Bebotenga at Cheerwen.

Ayaw ni Baterply isuko si Ibil kasi gusto nyang wag sumuko kaya walang pakialamanan. Atsaka MATIGAS ANG ULO ni Baterply.

Baterply: "Haaay, Ibil, wag kang malumbay"
Ibil: "Leave me alone!"
Baterply: "Ay, waw, english speaking..Hhihi..."

Pakiusap lang ni Baterply sa mga tao, wag husgahan agad si Ibil. Di niyo alam ang lahat ng pinagdaanan niya at pinagdadaanan niya. Wag kayo loser okay? Haha.. Masaya si Baterply dahil atleast nakilala niya si Ibil, may pagka-Buloy nga lang talaga si Ibil. Hindi niya siguro naalala ang sinabi niya na "It's better to have loved than to never have at all". Siguro sa susunod na century malalaman na ni Ibil na dapat si Baterply ang kaibiganin niya habang buhay. Kaso lang baka mabingwit ng mangingisda si Baterply. Oh well, ganyan talaga ang buhay. Weather - weather lang.

Mabait si Ibil, mabait siya. Kung nawala man ang apoy na pumapaso sa kanya kay Baterply, wala na tayong magagawa. Hanggang kailan siya tatakbo palayo sa pag-ibig? Hanggang kailan niya iihipan ang dagat kung saan siya naglalayag at tatawagin nanaman niya itong bagyo? At kung mabasa niya ito, mainitindihan niya kaya?

Baterply: "Ohhhh.,.. Ibil, salamat.... Usap tayo ulet next time.. Dapat maging frens tau.. olryt? ^^,"

(Nalulungkot lang talaga si Baterply kasi lilipad siya nang di kasama si Ibil, may pakpak naman ERA si Ibil! Mas malaki pa nga pakpak niya kay Baterply. Wakoko ^^,)

***

Niya

2009-07-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes"
drawn in MS Paint

"Ano?! Sumagot ka! Magpaliwanag ka! Sagutin mo lahat ng tinanong ko!", sabi Niya.

Hindi ako sumagot. Hindi ako nagpaliwanag. Hindi Niya rin naman ako papakinggan dahil alam kong galit siya, galit na galit. At ang taong galit, walang ibang naririnig kundi ang sarili, walang ibang nakikita kundi ang pagkakamali. Kaya ako'y nanatiling tahimik. Pinipigilan kong magalit sakaNya. Sa totoo lang wala na akong pakialam. Ganito na talaga Siya simula palang nang magka-isip ako.

Nanatili ako sa sala, nakaupo sa sofa. Nandiyan pa rin Siya, nagsasalita, kausap ang buong bahay na sanay na sa boses Niya. Naglakad - lakad Siya, kunwari'y nag-aayos ng mga gamit habang patuloy na nagsasalita. At kung ano man ang kanyang nais na ipahiwatig ay Siya lang ang nakakaalam.

Sabi Niya lumayas daw ako. Ngunit ako'y nanatiling nakaupo doon, hindi kumikibo dahil kabisado ko na Siya. Hanggang sa umalis Siya. Ilang araw din Siyang wala. Nakalimutan ata Niya na may mga halaman Siyang dapat diligan, mga halaman na tinuruan Niyang maglakad para lamang makita Niyang maglakad palayo sa kanya.

Napupndi na ang ilaw; Kulay putik na ang liwanag nito. At ako - nakaupo pa rin doon. Maya - maya'y matutulog na ako. Bukas ay mageensayo nanaman akong lumipad. May sarili akong mga pakpak, may sarili akong hangin. 'Wag nilang ipamukha sa akin na hindi ko sila kailangan.

***end***

Destroying Nature (I told you it's planning suicide)

2009-07-13T02:37:00.000-07:00

My nature is to fly, my nature is to blow away. My nature is to doubt but then I believe more than I can say. My nature is to listen, my nature is to get tired. My nature is self- preserving. Would you blame me for who I am?

..

Sometimes I think that I think too much
Sometimes I feel that I feel too much
Sometimes it could've been too much
But it couldn't be any lesser.
Sometimes I feel I'm lost,
That I just want to come back home
But then I realize I am not,
My eyes were just closed
And my ears were just hearing the echo of myself.
Sometimes I want to believe
that these dreams would go on
when I close my eyes
and every second of the night
would just give me another life.
Sometimes...
I don't want to listen to myself anymore.

--

Decision Points
The Gift
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
Toy Story 3

Will be Offline For A While

2009-07-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

made by me ^^,

**

I'm not going to post something relevant yet for the next few weeks because my work gets more and more demanding. Now, I am faced with real - world system development with professional team mates, having a team leader and a project manager.

Errr....

*** Random rant:

Suddenly everything's not the same now. It was just like an instantaneous rain that pours on me and wakes my hopeless hopes. He is the answer to my prayers, he might not know it but he's my angel, he's my little saint and I just can't believe he is mine now. I can't believe he saw something in me that others (including myself) failed to see. I can't believe he changed my view of love. Now I realize that loving couldn't be that hard. What's left of me to do is to love him until he wants me to, commit my next days, weeks, months and years to him. I love him so. Demmit, I can feel him though he's far from me. This feeling makes me miss him more. The way of loving him is just insatiable. rarz!

I just wanna be with him everyday of my life T_T...
***

A Mother's Poem

2009-06-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

The mother

Her love is unselfish and enduring,
She's got that thankless job,
She stands though she's breaking,
Hides her tears and sobs.

She has the shoulder to carry the world,
The strength to endure childbirth,
Yet her arms are the most gentle,
That kind that gives perfect comfort.

But rejection comes to her more often
Even from her husband and her own children.
Thank God her ribs are desgined to protect
The very fragile thing inside.

She gets tired of caring for everyone
As much as she wants to, she complains not,
She taught her children to walk
Just to see them walk away.

She has the most weary heart,
Yet the best of all,
Even though she may cry
She should stand tall...

For the mother's breakdown
Is the empire's downfall
She gives light, She gives life,
Her love is the best of all.

*every day is mother's day ^^,

Graffiti On FaceBook

2009-06-16T22:38:00.000-07:00

**
PLEASE CLICK PLAY :)

I've been addicted to Facebook's graffiti lately. This application lets you draw anything that you feel like drawing on a blank page. Brush, in different sizes, is the tool used in making the graffiti. I used my mouse to control the brush but I think some uses light pens and graphic tablets or other tools for a better control of the brush. You may adjust the color and its opacity to give different shades. I draw there (in Facebook) when my work gets either a little too boring or a little too tiring. Haha

And oh! I was surprised to see that the application records the brush strokes I made! ^^,

Here are some of my works:

[this graffiti is for my friend kuya Jerome, inspired by the song "Gives You Hell" by All American Rejects :D]

PS: These are the latest.. I'll be making more of them soon!! ahhaha

Losing Control

2009-05-31T23:07:00.000-07:00

**all images are made by me***

There are lots of f**king things that people could lose control of. Name one? No, name hundreds - hundreds of them. I'll name some, you continue with the rest. *wink

Well, actually I decided to make this post because recently I am losing control of most of the things I should never lose control of. *sigh sigh sigh.

To start, my top one: cigarette smoking.

Last week I feel tensed because of some things in life (bla bla shit happens) so I decided to puff. "One cigarette a day keeps the tension away", I said to myself. The following days, I found myself looking for cigar already. I've been feeling that I-need-to-smoke feeling again. I used to smoke before but then I needed to stop because my lungs can't take it. I pity myself for always coughing blood that time. "I swear I need to stop", I said to myself 3 years ago. But now...I dunno.. I am drawn to Mr. Marlboro again. I think this is the consequence of the single puff I did some weeks ago. *sigh. What really disturbs me is the fact that I'm almost losing my control. Now, will I smoke (and let my lungs suffer) or will I not (and let my body feel super uncomfty)??? - The big question for me.

Top two: coffee.

This has been my addiction ever since the day I tasted a cup of it. I have to control my intake of coffee because it gives me sleepless nights and dreamful day (LOL, daydreaming). Hmmmm.. I drink for about 6-10 cups of coffee years ago. Gradually, due to self control, I lessen the intake into having just one cup a day or none at all. Hmmm.. But then, lately I felt like I want to drink 20 cups a day, that feeling makes me sick. *rawr

Top three: Alcoholic beverages.

Same story as previously stated: been there, then quitted, then I'm back again. I'm loving beer, rhum,etc..etc.. again. I want to feel the feeling of being tipsy again. Worse is, I miss the feeling of being drunk, that state where I hear myself say "I swear I'll never drink again". Haha.. Funny.. people are funny.. haaayyy..

That was all for me folks! I hope I can still control myself from nicotine, caffeine and alcohol intakes. Those were all bad for my vulnerable body,I'm a cursed sickly person. Goodluck to me in my war against myself, against my urge, against my wants. (I wonder how I'll win or lose *wink)

Effects of Nicotine on the Brain - Watch more amazing videos here
(video from Metacafe; http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1143506/effects_of_nicotine_on_the_brain/)

***

P.S.
However, whatever happens, I'm still okay. I have my Zin and that's all that matters.

***

This time, it aint going to be trite

2009-05-27T01:42:00.000-07:00

(Title of the image above: The Wall. Yeah, I did it.. I vandalized the wall. )

You

You - electrifies my soul
Awaken my senses
Just the thought of you
Brings back the sensation,
The love - that love
I've been longing for
That only you could give.

Your touch that I feel,
Each time I remember
Those trite phrases
That we love to hear
Nothing else is better
Than you and me, together;
This aint going to be trite.

I was unable to conceal my mirth
The day that you came.
You - You lied when you said
"I am evil, I am evil"
For how come I can see your halo
That surrounds me everyday
Near or far, you stay.

I write, when it rains
And I sing, Coz it shines
And this feeling's so strong.
You - simple as it is,
Complicated as it could be,
I am in - love with....
You

**
[Author's comment: "sobrang cheezy and corny.. hahaha"]
--

How to Add Foreign Key in MySQL Query Browser

2009-05-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

-- Begin --

*Prerequisite: knowledge in MYSQL and MYSQL GUI tools especially MYSQL Query Browser (just so you could relate ^^,)

So, have you ever tried using MySQL GUI for structuring your database? If yes, then good for you since MYSQL Query Browser, Administrator, Migration Toolkit, etc. will make your database construction (and destruction) a lot easier than doing it with the console (MYSQL Command Line Client). However, it seems that manipulating foreign keys are harder using the MYSQL Query Browser. Personally, I've experienced a lot of crappy errors while trying to add a foreign key using the Query Browser. (#@*%$&*@#$*&$ crappy s#!t mySQL, are these bugs of the software? wtf?omgggeee!!!) [relax] ... ^^,

I don't know if those were bugs, I haven't asked the developers themselves (i don't have time for that, I need solutions!)

Solution: Follow these steps in adding the foreign key of your choice ^^,
Click the images for a larger view!

1. Open the table where you want to add a foreign key (if you don't know what I mean then you're lost forever here). I'll use or database table 'department' to demonstrate the process. (Aww, I'm so kind.. haha)

2. Add a field that will represent the foreign key in your table. For example, you will add a 'collegekey' field in your 'department' table. (This means that a department belongs to a college). Now, be careful of the data types. Make sure that the data type of the field that you want to be a foreign key is the same as the field that you will refer to.

3. Afterward, select the tabbed pane that says "Foreign Keys" in MYSQL Table Editor.

4. Click the plus/add [ + ] button below.

5. You should be seeing the Add Foreign Key dialog now that asks for the foreign key name. Never mind putting the name as it will trigger error in the process. ( this is not official, I just assumed it based on my experience)

6. In the "Foreign Key Settings Pane", select the "Ref. Table:" drop down list. Select which table would the foreign key refer to. In our case, I chose the "college" table since the college key is there. This is my reference table.
7. Then select the values of the Column and Reference Column into their right content. Be sure that the foreign key in this table ACTUALLY refers to the field in the referred column. You have the option to edit the CONSTRAINTS. (On Delete/ On Update: Restrict/ Cascade/ No Action/ Set to Null)
8. Apply Changes. If error occurs, don't panic, it's just normal. Don't try again by doing the same things you've done in applying the Foreign key constraint because same error will appear, believe me. Maybe you just missed out something here. Try to find the error ^^,

** haaay.. effort.. :D

-- End --

I Love You, My Zin

2009-05-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

(The wedding cake of my teacher during the reception where she hired me as a photographer.. haha)

I swear I do love you. ^^,

This day is not like the other days of my life. Because this day, I started to trust you, to believe in you, to commit with you. I wonder what lies ahead but I'm not scared anymore as long as you are there for me, as long as your love remains, I am not afraid to take these chances with you. ^^,

Then, suddenly, I found myself singing a song that I do not know. (what?) Haha.. I searched the net about the song and found out that the title is "SUDDENLY" By OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN & CLIFF RICHARD. Well, I think it fits what I feel inside right now. Here's the video and the lyrics of the song:

SUDDENLY
By OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN & CLIFF RICHARD

She walks in I'm suddenly a hero
I'm taken in my hopes begin to rise
Look at me can't you tell I'd be so
Thrilled to see the message in your eyes
You make it seem I'm so close to my dream
And then suddenly it's all there

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

How can I feel you're all that matters
I'd rely on anything you say
I'll take care that no illusions shatter
If you dare to say what you should say
You make it seem I'm so close to my dream
And then suddenly it's all there

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

Why do I feel so alive when you're near
There's no way any hurt can get thru'
Longing to spend every moment of the day with you

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

**
(somewhat cheesy? or corny?
whatever you say, just enjoy the song..
hahaha! I was laughing so hard as I watched this video
haha, old school rocks! LOLz)

***

Happy, Sad, Glad, Frustrated, Anxious, Happy, Sad, Glad, Very Happy

2009-05-17T23:19:00.000-07:00

Owkay, enough! Haha.. I was just laughing at myself. Instead of doing my work here, I just wasted my time browsing the net and reading blogs. I couldn't finish a single module! Haaayyyy! What a life. I am so happy, so glad yet so anxious and so sad. I have a lot of things in my head, yet none of them can be contained in just plain words. Ahh! there's one, the financial problem. I hope it'll pass away just like my dog in Manila did. And ohh, I am really tired of this work but I don't want to leave. The CARDS- they kept on warning me, they are cursing me, they are laughing at me! So imma burn them, to hell with them. Goodbye my precious cards. :(
But I'm happy, so damn happy. I don't know where will this take me. To the dungeon again?!!! I don't want to visit that place anymore, don't wanna feel the need to cut anymore! It has been so cold. Now that a glimpse of heat is here, I cannot afford to touch it. Why? Because Im scared, I've been so SCARRED. But then I said to myself, "Kailan pa ako natakot?". No, I've never been so scared. I don't give a f**k, I'm strong, I'm independent, I don't need anyone to be happy, I can be happy and satisfied on my own (what lies you have here, jet?).. But this time....but this time I think I am... SCARED? (What?! you are? wtf?)

Where am I? What am I doing here? Who am I? Who are you? Why are you here? Where will you take me? Why? Why? Is this true? If it's just a dream, it's the sweetest of all. If it'll stop just when I'm enjoying it the most, I'll go back to the dungeon, wishing no prince would ever save me again just to lock me in again. But then Im holding on to all the things he said. Until when would he mean it? I do not know. But it felt so real. If those were lies then, perhaps, lies are true. If I have to take these chances, I want to take these with you.

I'm staring at the monitor, but I don't see it. What I'm seeing is sunset... And.... *secret.. hahaha... Now I'm happy. He's making me feel better. But this sh*t in my head won't leave me. Wtf is this. wtf am I feeling. Wtf is this? Somebody explain.What is this? Innocent heart? I'm not, I don't have that. But...What is this? This is something I never knew before. What is this? What??? Why won't you talk, you d@mN monitor! Talk to me! f**k it, talk to me, I beg you..Where is Miggy? Where are the demm cigars? Oh, sh!+, I think I'm going crazy (again). Somebody stop me.. please..

{Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol}

-- (after this I'll start coding again, promise) --

*

If you Remember Anything

2009-05-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

***

If you remember how much you WERE hurt,
Would you still have the courage to love again?
If you said what you haven't said,
Will the words be the same again?
If the rain would pour into your face,
What do you care of?
And why wont you just stop asking
If ever you feel it again..
I LOVED you.

You told me "Past is past"
Okay.. so, if you lose me, you'll never have me back.
You lost me, you'll never have me back.

***

Another Poem.. hmmff..

2009-05-12T02:01:00.000-07:00

these are the pix I've edited some months ago..
raarrr... hmmm??

--

All I Know Is

I want to walk along the shore with you
And get lost in the woods
Where no one could find me,
That'll make me come back home.

When you speak I want to hear the things
That you dont say,
Because those are the sweetest
Especially when your eyes prove it.

I want to go to the moon and prepare a place for you
Where we can see the stars closer
And wish that time stops right there
Or let them all fall unto us.

All I know is something I never knew before
It gives a happy feeling, However,
Each tick of the clock took you farther -
a little farther away from me..

[and that was the poem.. boww...
*wonderin where to sleep tonight,
hates the dorm...]

--

I Am Going Crazy

2009-05-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

(Title of the photo: Against the All Suns)

--

But of course! Everyone who says they are going crazy are not really going crazy at all.
He's really giving me headache, dunno what's the matter with him. Can't he understand?!
Are guys really like that, huh? Just wanna know why most of them cant get what most of us is trying to say?? Oh well I think I know. I haven't said the things that I want to say. I give him clues though, but I think he cannot decode. I know he's not gonna read this. He's never interested of the things I do. But that's okay.
I'm afraid that I might say "these things" in the wrong time.. so wrong that I will end up losing him. I already told him I don't want to lose him. Demmit. I can't understand.. I can't understand.
I dont want to think too much because it'll give me stress and I might get sick again. It's so sad that he's making me sick than making me well. He's never there when I needed him the most but it's okay as long as I can stand for him just when he needs me the most. Don't tell me I'm losing him. Well I'll lose him because of his selfishness! I guess time will make him realize what he is doing to me. To hurt a simple friend is the worst thing a human could do, what more if it's more than a simple friend? We used to fix things up, but this time... but this time....

--

What I Need

2009-05-07T23:16:00.000-07:00

--
I honestly do not know what I need in my f**kin life. haha. But i think I just have to get some rest, vacation. Oh well! Less than two months more before I fly off from this city. I've been counting the days.. But now, uhm? owkay.. I have to rest.

But how could I???
This work wears me off.
And I've got a lot of things in mind.
One thing is about my bestfriend. I don't know why he's like that now. uhm.. i think I know.
I know he wont be able to read this post.
But uhhh..
I don't know.. Something weird is happening to me now.
awtz..
And I.. I'm just too tired. Tired of not knowing something I shouldve known.
tired of these!!!!
Let me get some sleep.

But Im happy.. I am happy about something..
But it scares me mooooorrrreeee... OMG! it scares me... grrrr

Featured song:
Night Fever

You are like this sickness that came to me
That came to me at night
And by the morning I see you
Mourning with the sun's light.

How could it be that the light I see
Is doomed by the darkness of my soul

I dont want to feel this
I dont want to feel this fever
I dont want to feel this
this night fever

All I want to do is
All I want to do is feel this
Fever at night till the morning light
But I'm so scared to feel this.

I composed that sh*t.it's not yet finished, still have to rearrange..

--

Stress: More Dangerous Than Any Killer Flu

2009-05-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

-- Not Swine Flu, Not Chicken Pox, but Stress --

I really thought I'm going to die last night. Im serious. My body was burning hell and I don't know what to do. I thought I already have that H1N1 virus or something. Well, I've been coughing blood lately but it's a normal thing for me. But last night..it was my first time to experience such sickness. I couldn't even breathe. I just don't know what to do. I really thought I won't be able to see the sun of May 8, 2009 anymore. Haha.. Now I'm laughing at it.

Then I woke up about 10pm, I texted my mom and said I'm sooo sick. My head is aching sooooo much..as well as my body from top to toe. Demmit. Even if it's hard to move, I got up from bed and drank water and wipe myself with wet towel. After that it's a relief! I've been sweating all over.

I also texted my good friend and told her to contact my parents if I die that night. haha..
Then I knew it was stress. I dunno I just couldnt think of any reason for my sickness. I never felt such thing before, not in my elementary, highschool nor college days. That burning sensation! Awwwwtttzzz.

I also thought of few people in my "almost dying feeling". There are few of them. I thought of my parents, of course, and my only brother. What will they feel if their hope to have a better life would die in her sleep? Lolz. Then I thought of my bestfriend. But of course my closest friends too, the members of Chickz, Pare! Inc. I already told them my death wishes even before. And.. And I thought of those 2 more "significant others". Sayang naman if I'll die. haha

Thank God I was able to woke up. Another day, another challenge for me. I'm not yet feeling good today but I have to go to work..
Last night was memorable, it made me think of the song from Death Cab For Cutie - What Sarah Said.. That love is watching someone die, and who's gonna watch you die?

--