Monday, June 28, 2010

(Show me that good things come to those who wait - MSPaint)

It was a sunny afternoon when I came to see her. She looked at me indifferently, unintentionally recognizable, a scar from the past. We used to laugh together but now she won’t even smile back. But I have to stay here, silently, as the descending peak in the LCD took her a little farther away from me. The nurse came in to give her food and medicine. I must assist.

-    -    -

She wakes me up during mornings so that I won’t be late for class. That was during my 1st year in college – the time when I used to think that everything was just right in place. I am so glad I met her in the boarding house I resided. I can still remember the day I arrived in that house. I took a room which happened to be a door away from hers. Few months later, I decided to transfer to her room, she became my roommate. Funny how we get along with each other as if we grew up together. In time, she knew me, I knew her. She knew when I’m sad or happy, or pretending to be sad or happy. She knows where I go when I run away from the world – it’s in my room, with her and a bottle of beer or rhum. With a cigarette on our hand, we used to talk all night ‘till midnight, up to the morning light. We talked about anything, everything.

But then, change is the only permanent thing. There came a time when we don’t get to “bond” that much anymore. This started when she met him. She always spend her time with him and, of course, I shouldn’t disturb them. She goes home late at night so we don’t have enough time to talk about everything anymore. But it’s fine with me because I can see that she’s happy. She’s always in ecstasy. When she goes home, I can see a big smile on her face, she hugs me and hands me her pasalubong. She was so happy. Later on he became her boyfriend. I get to know him. Sometimes I go with them to roam around the campus. I can see how he cares for her and I’m happy about that. One time when we were talking, he gets his handkerchief and he wiped her sweat off from her head and neck. I think that is so sweet.

Days pass by, I got used to include him in my routine as she is so attached to me, I am attached to her and she is attached to him. The three of us usually go together. He used to text me especially when had a fight, I used to help them make up.

I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know where it started. Years gone by and I saw them falling apart. Even if I should accept that it is “normal”, it’s hard to accept the fact that I saw them developed like a seed on a fertile ground and now I see them dying as if the ground wasn’t cultured and cared. Rainy days came to her. She always cries to me, telling me what she hates about him. They easily put up a fight, even with just small things. I always told her and him to just hold on, that they can get things fixed up if they want to. But it’s so hard to see him and his feelings fading away. I talked to him several times about not leaving her, she won’t be able to take it.

I can’t take it also. I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know where it started.

They broke up. I tried to convince him to patch things up with her but he doesn’t want anymore. It doesn’t matter who’s fault it is, he doesn’t want anymore. I saw in him that he really meant he doesn’t want anymore. But our friendship was still there. We talk sometimes, text sometimes, he calls sometimes. He asks advice from me, sometimes. He’s trying to cope up.

But she – cannot, would not, do not. She grew weary and shattered. She’s always drunk, smoked more often, cries more often. We always fight because she doesn’t want to stop going out with her other friends only to get drunk. She gets mad at me because I reprimand her, I get mad at her because she doesn’t want to be reprimanded. We won’t talk for days after the fight but then afterwards we’ll be okay. But it became a cycle of fight – silent treatment – okay situation. I don’t see her more often that time, although we’re still renting the same room. She’s always with her other friends to “have fun”. I realized it’s not good when broken hearted people come together in the same room to drink and talk. They will all look and sound stupid.

One night, he went to the boarding house to hand me his paper to be submitted to his teacher. It’s a favor he asked since he’ll be out of town the next days. I didn’t tell her about that but, still, she happened to know. When I went back to our room she asked me “why are you so happy?”. I stopped and realized I was smiling. 
“I don’t know”, I said.
“You are happy because he went here to talk to you”, she said trying to stop herself from getting mad.
“Yes you do! Yes you are!” she shouted at me.
“What’s your problem? Why do you shout at me?”
“You talk, you text, he calls you!”
I am silent.
“Then he went here to see you!?” she said, impatiently waiting for what I will say.
“He asked me a favor to give this paper to his instructor”
“Oh, great! Of all the people, why you?!”
“You know he doesn’t have any other friends in school other than me and his wasted barkadas. You won’t entrust your papers to your wasted friends, do you?”
She threw her hands up and sighed.
“Don’t tell me you’re getting jealous of me?” I asked.

She didn’t answer and walked away. I don’t know where she’d go, I don’t want to know that time. I was getting tired of coping up with her while she’s drowning in her new self. We used to be okay after we fight but this time it’s different. We still talk but we know there’s a great boundary between us already, we’re not comfortable of each other anymore. Our room seemed so dark and full of tension. Then, I decided to find an apartment. I told her I need a bigger space because my parents are coming to stay. It was a half – true reason, I need to leave her to see if she’ll come back to herself again. I cannot help her find herself anymore, it is something she must do alone.

I moved to my new apartment. We didn’t talk. I lost her.

    I’m counting the months that passed by, I still lost connection with her. But not with him, we go out unexpectedly sometimes. I always see him in restaurants, beaches, some places without the intention of seeing him. We don’t talk about her anymore. He doesn’t know we’re not in good terms.

    I don’t know how it started, I don’t know when it happened. I feel drawn out to him, I can feel he’s drawn to me too. I feel he’s stopping something… and that something is exactly what I am stopping too.

    Months gone by, we could be seen together in the campus. I know this reached her.

    One night when we are about to go home, we talked. He told me how he felt and how he’s stopping the feeling of falling. He told me he cannot defy gravity anymore.
    “Don’t you think there’s something we should do?” he said.
    “What is it?”
    “I think we should be together.”
    “I do not know… but please, not now.. you know that I’m your ex’s bestfriend, I don’t want to add the hurt she’s feeling…”
    “But you feel the same as I do? Do you?”
    “Yes, I do… but…”

    But that time I do not know what to do. I want to move away from him but I got myself so attached, and what’s worse, or best, he got attached to me too. It was like two papers glued together. You know what will happen when you try to separate them, they’ll be tearing apart.

    Time came when I heard she had a new boyfriend already so I tried to contact her. I met her in a restaurant unexpectedly. I went to her to have a talk. I can see she was so awkward to me.
    “What do you want to talk about?” she asked.
    “Nothing… I just want to be cool with you”
    She just smiled sarcastically, I see she don’t want to talk to me.
    “Why are you like that? Haven’t you moved on?”
    “I am moving on, but not with you.” She said, ended with a period.

    Days, weeks, months gone by. I heard she’s living with his boyfriend in the same house. I often see them together. I also heard she’s pregnant already but I didn’t confirm it. I know it was just a hear – say.

    One night I was with him, having dinner in my apartment.

“Don’t you think…. That it’s time now for us to be together?” he asked.
“But aren’t we together?”
“Yes, together, but miles apart. You are always with her, thinking about her, thinking about what people will say. She has someone new now, don’t you think it’s time for us?”
“I do not know, you know that..”
“I know! For god’s sake, I know! You always say that – you are my ex’s bestfriend, so what? She doesn’t even want to talk to you anymore!”
“I do not know.. she’s still hurt..”
“But what about me? I am hurt too, I’m so hurt that I can be this close to you but not close enough. Don’t you realize you’re hurting me?”
“I do not know.”
“What do I have to do to make you make up your mind?”
“I do not know.”
“Do you want me to leave you?”
“Yes, leave me…”

I do not know why I said that, I don’t even know if I meant that, but I think it’s what I should say. He left me. I cried. Months gone by, he graduated from college. Years gone by I graduated too. I haven’t heard of him anymore. Those times, I thought of just going through the day, that I just have to survive day by day. I have to try to live a normal life though I’m breaking apart. I do not know who I was, what I want, who I want, what to do. In times like these I used to run to her with a beer or rhum and she makes me feel better, gives me advice and I’ll be fine thinking that I won’t be alone. But now I’m so alone.
I worked after graduation because I’ll be lonely doing nothing.

Three years later, surprisingly, or expectedly, he went back to me. I can hardly recognize him; he can hardly recognize me too. We changed, a lot. We talked, we go out, we went to a vacation. I realized I missed him so much, that I really loved him and I still love him.

One night, on the balcony of our resort, he asked me:
“Don’t you think it’s time for us to be together?”
“I do not know”, I said.
“I can’t believe you still answered the same.”
We went silent.
“From now on you are my girlfriend and the next month or months, you’ll be my fiancée.”, he said.
“What?!”, I exclaimed.
“We are not getting any younger, I don’t want to waste my time away from you”
I can see that he was serious. I didn’t say “yes” to what he said but I don’t want to say “no”.

So, as what he said, I became his girlfriend. Months passed by and I became his fiancée. He brought direction to my life, he made me feel alive. That’s when I realized merely trying to survive in this world is a lot different from living in it. And life lived with him is the best life I know I can ever have.

The time came when we are a little bit older, a little more closer, a lot more together.

Then, just then, we heard of her situation. She’s confined in the hospital for having breast cancer, stage 4. I know this is gonna happen, I know her illness even before and I cannot let it happen without me being there for her.

We went to the hospital to visit her. She gave us that indifferent look as we walked to the door. I always visit her, every day I am there to watch over her as her husband is at work and their 2 – year – old son stayed with her husband’s mother.

    “You know… nothing’s really between us and him that time..” I told her once.

    I told her what happened between us but she remained silent. I can see in her pale face that she’s listening but is already tired.

    “Please… talk to me…” I said, then I cried, I cannot stop my tears anymore. There’s no comfort for the dying, but there is more than none for those who they will leave behind.

    Her tears fell but still she don’t want to talk to me. But I have to stay with her till the end. I have to be there.

    And so I was there by her side until the end of her life. I saw her dying, I saw her gave up the struggle to live. It was a very painful sight. There were full of tears in the room. Her husband, parents, other relatives and friends were there. At her dying moment, she called out to me without saying a word. I went closer to her, she hold my hand, smiled at me and pulled me closer to hear her whisper.

    “I am sorry for everything, thank you and I love you my best friend...” she said.

    Right then she closed her eyes, still holding my hand. It was more than a minute then I heard the LCD sound. That sound was an indication of mourning for all of us in that room and all of those outside the world that will know that she’s gone.

    But she won’t be gone to me, she’ll live in my heart. I am happy to see her happy at her last minute. I am happy she talked to me again, I am happy that I realized I did not lose her, I gained her. She needed me and I stayed with her even if she’s pushing me away. I need to be with her, she’s my one and only bestfriend. I will forever miss her.

Friday, June 25, 2010

and yes, I could say that to you if you ask me to.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010





Ay nagbibilang ng araw sa talaarawan
Na walang ibang ginawa
Kundi ipaalala sa akin na
Pwede kitang pagmasdan.

At hanggang tingin lang.

Ay ibinabalik ang mga araw
Pati ang bulaklak na nalalanta na
Ngunit ang pagtapon ay 'di ko kaya,
Parang isang sayaw,

Ngunit ako lang ang gumagalaw.

Pati ang langit, tahimik
Pilit na iniiwas ang mundo
Sa gusto kong magmay-ari nito
Dahil alam kong isang imik -

Pagnanasa ko'y magbabalik.

Ako - ang kabuuhan ng taong ito
Damdaming tumatangis,
Hanging dumadaplis,
Isang palaisipan sayo.

Ako - tumatangi sa iyo.

*This is a Tagalog poem. Tagalog is our national dialect in the Philippines. If you want to understand the poem please seek the aid of Google translate :D *

Friday, June 18, 2010


If you could really hear the sound
Of silence whispered so loud,
Yes, so loud you cant even hear it,
So loud it may even break my heart.

If you could read the lines of letters,
Where shores could be the only way,
It gathers not what I could say
When I feel like going away.

If this is so frail, this is so weak,
This is so strong, so strong, I cannot speak.
On uncharted sea I left to see,
You may never have been thinking of me.

How can I defy gravity?
When you move away, I feel dead,
When you come closer, I die,
When somewhere in the middle, I survive.

But where I am is not enough.
I just want to be with you.
But where you are is somewhere I cannot go.
But I swear this feeling is so true.

I'm so in - love with you.

*One of the worst thing is reading everything but missing the point of what you read.*
*He doesn't know what it's like not knowing if I ever cross his mind*
*sh!+ these crappy things...