Thursday, December 3, 2009

////
Costeñita Soy
(Drawn in MSPaint)



You've written a thousand lines, yet a million more to come. Life is tiresome.

You waited for 20 years or so for the man and yet Pandora has kept her in a box away from you. “Where is my gift?” you asked. You prayed, once again you did. The echo in the Cathedral contains the voice of an angry beggar, full of complaints that hurt the ears of the statues. You asked where the betrothed for you is, what took it so long, why it has to be this cold.


Doomed. Hear the sound of silence. There is much in store for you if you look at the horizon. You overlooked the sky because you saw a nimbus cloud; you’re a petty thief, stole your own life but never used it;

Still you write poems, you write letters that you wish were read by the ones you intended to hear. They’ll never understand, for the words you speak are like of the prophet’s: full of riddles, how poor yet rich, awesome yet full of angst, leading yet lost.


You wait, still
. It is something you are immune to do. What’s new? Life is boring because you cannot do what you want to do, you cannot be with whom you want to be, you cannot be where you wanted to be and you cannot because you didn’t try. You will try but it won’t be easy and you are tired of the difficult. Life won’t give you more surprise just to make you feel that you are bored again. Life is … unexplainable.

Back to the dungeon where you wish someone will save you. Silly. Never trust their kind yet, they all do the same, they all are like cactus – you get hurt the moment you hug them. Silly girl. You forgot what he smelled like but you still wanted to take a bite. That is good, never be afraid to love again.



**I will wait for you, it's something that's left of me to do. You are my only hope.. for four years and more you were there and I am here.. For four years and more, I am the most person that owns your heart.. For four years and more, you should be the one that owns mine...


***

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

////

screen clipping from video from BBC News website

There's such violence everywhere!

Why do people see Mindanao as chaotic ground of rebels, terrorists and murderers??

"MINDANAO is NO STRANGER to VIOLENCE " - BBC News

Why does news everywhere have to carry the name of MINDANAO to reflect the violence in Maguindanao?? Can't they just say "MAGUINDANAO is NO STRANGER to VIOLENCE"? Anyways, can't blame those who are not "from here" because they really don't know what's really happening in this island. They just rely on news and sometimes news are really MISLEADING. It's undeniable that there are sorts of violence, terrorism and conflicts in this island but it's not as grave as how most of the people see it. My friends often tell me to go back to Manila because it's not safe here anymore. It's not safe anywhere in the world, I'd say and these things also happen in Luzon and Visayas (Philippines). There could be severity in this part of the world but still not severe enough to scare the people, both Filipinos and foreigners, away.

Are you a blogger? Coming from Mindanao? Then you're a Mindanao Blogger! We could counteract on the negative news and articles about Mindanao that people usually see over the internet! Let's blog for peace, tell the world about all the good things we have in Mindanao.


On a brighter side, it's Mindanao Week of Peace.

The Mindanao Week of Peace is a comprehensive promotional activity that involves various GOs, NGOs, and PO's in advocating the culture of peace in the Southern Philippines. It is a celebration of peace which was initiated in Zamboanga City by Peace Advocates Zamboanga Foundation, Inc. (PAZ) and SALAM Foundation in 1997. It has snowballed into a Mindanao-wide event as adopted by the Bishops-Ulama Conference and perpetuated as an annual observance through Presidential Proclamation 127, S. 2001

Try checking out the schedule of Activities:
MINDANAO Week of Peace 2009 Schedule of Activities



List of some nice Mindanao - related blogs I know:

Friday, November 20, 2009

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- DOORS -
(instant poem)

You left in the rain without closing the doors
I walked away to tell you more,
I don't care for now if I'm alone
I can make my self a home.
I worry about the sorrows you bring
Your self - inflicted pains, your sins, your sins.
But it has always been me from the very start
I am the most person that owns your heart.


So sad we cannot be together
But still parting is never forever.
You might think this poem's not for you
But you're the only reason why I write, why I continue..
For now.

***

Thursday, November 12, 2009

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Introducing, Bygone spray! The very thing you need if you need to forget! Just spray a generous amount onto your face and remember all the things you want to forget. Afterwards, you would already be able to forget those things!

You will feel immediate results! Try one now!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bygone Spray - imaginary product. Many people seems to want to forget. I've got the idea of 'MSPainting' the image above from the saying: Let be bygones be bygones. This expression means to forget something, usually bad things, from the past.

My question is, to what extent can you forget? You may always try NOT TO REMEMBER but that doesn't mean you could really forget. Past is what made the "you" right now. I don't really agree on the phrase "Let's move on our separate ways and forget everything that we had." because I believe that the things we ought to forget are:
- someone's mistakes
- fight
- pride

Though many people wanted to forget their past, I'll always try to remember though it will be a little bit hurtful. Bad memories doesn't really mean they should be forgotten. I need to remember, to know where I've done wrong in my decision, how to avoid hurting somebody and use my past to do some strategic planning in my life.

Hence, I don't need that "Bygone" product.


***

Monday, November 9, 2009

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"INK_JET drawn in MSPaint Nov.1, 2009"


HUSH

Hush, you don't have to say anything
Words are confusing,
Words are misleading,
It is enough that you are now
Lying here with me.

Hush, I already made up my mind
You don't have to rewind,
This time I'll be kind,
To give my everylittle everything
Without asking anything in return.

Hush, don't worry, I am not scared
Love should be shared,
Lovers should be bared,
What's important is we listened
To the silence of our words.

Hush now, Hush...


***

Sunday, October 25, 2009

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HOPELESS ROMANTIC


I'm here again, re-visiting my self - made town. This is where I feel cold, this is a dungeon, but in most ways this is where I feel home, I feel safe. I'm making a cocoon, planning to completely lose myself.. because I feel that when I do, that's the only time I get the chance to find it.




P.S. Haven't heard from him for a long time now. Maybe that will be our last conversation. Everything's got to change for him already .. and I -- am going nowhere.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

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Wedding Gown by Makai585 (deviantart.com)


---


2nd of October 2009
, the rain is pouring hard outside as I sit inside a bar with a bottle of Red Horse stallion at my hand. My friend, seated next to me, received a text message that she immediately handed over to me.

"I'll call you", the message read. "ok" I replied.

With less than a minute, he called. I went to the comfort room to receive his call; I don't want my friends to overhear our conversation.

We talked over the phone as I watched my reflection at the huge mirror infront of me. We chatted, basically he was just asking me how was I, how was the school, and other casual things. I told him I lost my phone and won't be having one for a longer time. I also asked him how he is since it's been flooding in Metro Manila recently .. if he's been affected by the calamity .. if he's okay. I'm glad he is okay. After about a quarter of an hour talking, he opened the real topic to be discussed, his real reason for calling.

"I want to marry you.." he said calmly.

I kept silent, thinking if I heard it right.

"What?" I asked, for him to repeat it, for me to be sure of what he said.

"I said I want to marry you.."

I laughed... or if it is what you call it. "So you're taking your jokes to the next level, huh?" I said, smiling at myself in the mirror.

"No, Jet, I'm serious, you know what I've been feeling for you.... now.... I want to marry you... I'll be there in Zamboanga tomorrow to ask you personally"

"You must be kidding"

"No, I'm not."

"Okay then, I'll just wait for you tomorrow... if ever you'll be here..."

I wanna hang up but he still said something that I overheard because I was hearing the sound of the pounding of my heart.

"I'll see you tomorrow, "

"Okay..."


He's crazy, I said to myself.


I went back to our table where my friends were happily singing and chatting. They teased me for the call I just received, I acted like it was nothing, I acted like the call was really really really nothing. I looked outside the glass window, it's still raining hard outside.


3rd of October 2009, about 12 noon, I went to the time record area of employees near the gate of the school to time - out. Saturday is just a half day work for me. When I looked outside the gate I saw him standing there. He is outside Trebor/ Roberts, a store infront of the gate 2. He stands there, as he usually does when he was still studying here. He looked at me, stared at me, I heard him say "come..." but I did not see his mouth opened.

I went to him, how nostalgic, after almost 4 years we saw each other again. This will be the 2nd time we'll talk personally.

"Let's have our lunch" he said, I just nodded.

We went to Chinitos, a restaurant infront of the school. I thank the Lord that there are only few people there. We seated at the isolated part of the resto.


I looked at him, he looks at me. I know he wanted to start talking, I know he wanted to start explaining. I am afraid that he won't, that last night was just a joke.

"Jet...." he said.

Urgh.... His manly voice awakened my senses, like an aroma, like a relief from the long winter I've been to.

"Jet..." he repeated.

"Whut?" I said.

"I want to marry you"

"Yeah, as what you said last night"

Silence.. pondering thoughts, is this real?

"Why?" I asked.

"Because...." he said.

1 second 2 seconds 3 seconds 4.. 5.. 6.. 7...


"Because I love you.." he continued.

1.. 2..

"Really, huh...?" I said, smiling.

"You don't believe me?"

"I do ... believe... "

Then silence was over us. I didn’t look at him because I know he’s looking at me. I cannot bear to see his eyes.

"Let's get married." He said again. He said it with a tone that’s more than of a please but less than of a beg.

"I am not even your girlfriend.. then you're asking me to marry you? How do you expect me to react?"

"You don't have to be my girl friend to marry me, all you need is to be my fiancée.."

"You don't even know me!"

"I know you.... Jet, I know you that's why I fell in love"

"YOU KNEW ME. The Jet that you knew is long gone. I am not who I was 4 years ago."

"You are still you, the same smile, the same voice.. Though you looked prettier this time, I must admit"

"Oh nose..." I said with a sigh.

"You see.."

Then he was interrupted as our order arrived. We ate right away and diverted our topic to the “less important ones” - what we were up to the previous years, etc. I learned that he never had a girlfriend after his relationship with one of my closest friend before, after they broke up.. that was 4 years ago. How amazing we have kept our communication amidst the distance and time.


Desert time.. and I wanna desert him.. I wanted to go home, wanted to feel the rain falling on the roof as I lay in my bed, day dreaming.


He repeated his proclamation of his intention to marry me.

"But why?" I hastily asked.

"I already told you...."

"No, tell me why.. I know that's not the reason, well, maybe one of the reasons but I know that's not the major reason..."

"What? ... you ... that... That's the real reason, the major reason … but… not the only reason....."

"Okay, so tell me what it is."

He looked at me, I looked at him, he could barely move his lips to start to talk again.

"I am... Well... my mom...."

"Your mom?...."

"My mom wants me to marry some other girl immediately, you know, parental.. uhm.. culture, religion.." He said. He said that with a relief but twice as much pain in his face. He’s a Muslim by the way and it’s common to them to be betrothed.

*Silence..... *Then there were tumbleweeds.. woooshh..... wooshhh.... then another tumble weed.. woooooooooooosssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

"Jet?" he called out to me.

I have to tell him this, I said to myself so I started talking.

"You know it just hurts. You want to marry me because you have to, you don't love me..."

"You know I do! I've been telling you that for years!"

"You've been telling that as a joke -- for years!"

"It's true.. It's ..."

"You don’t really love me. You want me, you need me, but you don’t love me"

"Why do you say that? I... I ... I wouldn’t want to marry you if I don’t love you!"

"Yeah, let's say that you love me, but you didn’t even ask if I love you, you didn’t even ask how I feel for you."

"I know you feel the same... If you don’t then you wouldn't be here"

"I'm in-love with another man .. no... guy.. he's still a guy... I'm in - love with another guy. I am... in - love .. with another guy.."

DARN. I couldn’t believe I repeated that hurtful statement for three times, it's like stabbing him that much too!

He is surprised, looked at me like he realize he doesn't know me anymore, like he never thought I would fall in - love for someone else. Could he blame me? I never said I love him. I want him, I've been wanting him for so long ... But I don't even know if I could love him, if I would ever fall in love. How could I explain that he was so stupid believing he's got a hold on me!

Silence. Total doom. It just hurts because I can feel his burden in his aura, and I refused to ease his pain. Me -- the one that he thought would save him, just stabbed him three times and more.

"You know.. You're old enough, you don’t have to marry that girl because your mom wants to.." I said, trying to atleast calm the situation.

"No... You don't understand.." He said, looking down at the melting ice cream.

I think I do understand, somehow but not completely. I saw something in him that wouldn’t want him say “no” to his mother. More than fear, he feels respect, more than respect, he feels LOVE - love to the very woman he trusted for all of his life, the very woman that would love him for all of her life too.

"I... I am sorry...." I said softly, looking at him. He looked at me and I saw in his face that he's bothered by the look of my eyes. He thought that I would be crying.. but .. no... I won’t shed a tear. My tear ducts were over used for the past months, they are malfunctioning now. I told him not to worry because I always get those teary eyes but that doesn’t mean I’ll cry.

We talked, he explained.

He explained.

He explained.

He is persuading me.

"You don't understand.... What you're offering me is a wedding." I said, softly but firmly.

"Are you afraid to get wed?"

"NO. But you see, I DO NOT WANT A WEDDING, I WANT A MARRIAGE AND IT'S SOMETHING YOU CANNOT GIVE TO ME RIGHT NOW"

He is stunned.

He knows this ain’t going nowhere.

Blaa...

Blaaa...


For hours we were there, talking, like strangers in the dark that finally found a light, but also found out that the light was just coming from a cigarette.

I won’t let me burn us; he is still special to me in any way.

Bla...


"I want to go home" I said.

"Home! Home... Where is your home? Come with me in Manila, that’s where your real home is.."

"I want to go back to my boarding house"

"I know you will just get bored there... Bored - ing house ... Let's roam, I know you want to see the sea.."

I was like, "wtf?!!!". How did he know I wanted to see the sea? I can't remember I've said it before to anyone else, not even to my friendly wall (my blog is a friendly wall).

I agreed to go out with him, to the sea. As I was in his car, as we were about to go, I asked him "Did you really know that I wanted to see the sea? Or you just guessed it?"

"Actually, I just guessed it..." he said smiling, a sly smile in his lips. Then the engine started.


What an intelligent guess.


We spent the rest of the day together, getting to know each other, talking about places, animals, names, things, and scores(you know) - PANTS. (Rar.. never mind..)

It's almost 10 in the evening of the same day when I got home. Before I totally turned my back away from him to walk into the dark, heading to the boarding house, he said:
"I know you wouldn’t change your mind now. I hope we could do this again, talk for hours, together, just the two of us. Jet, please remember that I'll be loving you... until when - that I don't know..."

DARN!!!! I wanted to cry. Hearing him say those words is like reading his farewell letter!


"Goodbye," I said with a smile.. He smiled back without saying a word. I turned my back and started to walk, looking at the reflection of the moon on the wet ground. I know he is still there, looking at me because I did not hear him drove off.

He was there.. looking at me walking away from him, I said goodbye without even saying hello. He looked at me until his line of sight cannot reach me anymore. Then he drove off.

(*Sigh...) I will surely miss that MAN. I hope his hopes will be fulfilled. He could be the one that won’t try to hurt me. But I just can’t seize him with a lie. I don’t wanna use him just to have somebody by my side, but I don’t wanna lose him… Urgh.. Now... I am even more confused with life... But I know my decision was right.. it WAS right.


---

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

////
***

I sure love the rain.

I'll call him RAIN.


How he pours outside on a supposedly typical day, I swear I don't wanna look right behind the curtain. I'm hearing every drop, and every drop reminds me of him. It was a cold stormy day as I sit in front of the computer. I am here for work, not for another nostalgic moment. I've thought too much, felt too much, dreamt too much that I wish I could just forget. FORGET - because everyday and every night I seem to remember.

I hate Greenwhich, I hate McDonald's, I hate the butterfly garden and La Vista resort. I hate Pasonanca, I hate myself for not hating him.

I'd rather go shopping. Ö lol.

I am... trying to forget and to hate.

It's not you, it's me. I'm broke, I'm incomplete. Damn reasons. I'm broke and incomplete too, I'm rotten, I'm worse than you.

I will wish for a star to fall in one of Pasonanca's hill tonight to ask for a miracle - forget teh rain.

The rain never failed to fail me. The rain fulfilled the prophecies of people around me - those that he thought hates him.

I am writing to keep me sane. After all that has happened, I sure love the rain.

But it could be just a waste of time. It's okay, still okay.. I think.. Love is never really wasted when you give it away, it is wasted if it is kept.

I'm so pathetic, so masochistic, so stupid. Stop it Jet, stop it. But I'm 90% okay and I'm contented with it. It's gonna be okay as they say "there's a rainbow after the rain". I am hopeful.. I love rainbows too..more than I love the rain.


***
It's his birthday tomorrow. And... it will be just another typical day for me. I hope it rains.

***

Please feel free to browse my other blogs. :)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

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I lost my cp :P (MSPaint)



What’s new? Nothin’ really, it’s a normal for me to just gust off a cellphone. Actually, it’s normal for me to lose anything, even everything. I lost my only usb, my most favorite bracelet that Randy gave to me, lost all of my earrings, lost the people that I wish would stay, lost my senses, lost my self. (wait, it’s getting too far :P).

My precious, half – alive, old modeled, Nokia cell phone: goodbye. It’s hard to accept that I lost it, I just lost it. I’ve been loving it for so long.. but now, I lost it. It’s the longest cp that ever stayed in my hands. What’s more miserable is that it’s my grandma’s cp that she gave to me last January 2008 because I don’t have one because I just lost one and my parents won’t buy me one and I don’t have money to buy one. XD.

So what now? Move on. Cellphones just come and go. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to keep something, or someone, you can but just lost it. It’s inevitable, I say. XD

For those who wants to contact me, please refrain for a while. Imma buy a new one after I receive my salary at teh end of the month. Darn, I’ll be buying an old Nokia model so that it won’t hurt that much if ever I’ll lose it again. XD

I am still hopeful that I could find it, that it will come back to me O_O

Featured song: In Loving Memory -by Alterbridge
(this song makes me sob a hundred times)



Lyrics:
Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

Ooo's

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

////
***

Did GOD created evil? Is He in hell too? We humans can but give our mundane opinion. Who really knows by the way? I'm so sick of opinions about this topic, so sick of hearing tormented souls and 'i-was-enlightened' people debating.


May it be right, may it be wrong, may it be debatable, I just want to share this video. I don't care if it was really Einstein, don't really care if it's fallible. One thing's for sure - this made sense to me. But still I'll look for something that will reprove this until I cannot reprove anymore. Watch it for yourself.


Does God exist? Does Evil exist too? Did God created evil? Is He evil too?


I am so inspired with the things that I've read today. Maybe this will be the start of teh real moving on. I hope so. I just want to restart. I don't want to hope that there's such thing as someone that'll save me. Maybe.. I'm the only one that can save myself. I wanna puke. I wanna forget.


"...so from all of us at Aerosmith, to all of you out there wherever you are, remember the light at the end of the tunnel may be YOU, good night" - Amazing by Aerosmith



To all of you at Aerosmith:

perhaps you are right.

Monday, September 21, 2009

////
you are the only one that really stayed, Miggy

...

There's Something Aching Inside of Me

I wonder what it is. So I put my left hand on the middle of my chest and feel the beat, but it's not that something. I also put my right hand on my back to feel the intake of every air, but it's not that something too. I feel my thighs, my arms, my head... They're not aching.

So I sigh..


...
....


Maybe it's because of the new bra.



** you cannot feel the
soul through your hands..



SOME of the contents of my previous posts were lies (I am a certified liar), written by a pretentious sober soul(I'm a great pretender) that haunts me today, making me sick all over. I don't want the world to know I'm broken..wait..I don't feel broken after all.. Uhm.. I don't want the world to know I'm sad and frustrated and depressed and.. and... etc.. lol..


I wanna thank Collective Soul for making me feel better.
...

Friday, September 18, 2009

////
***
I am not a genie but how I'd love to grant ALL your wishes.
***

drawn in MSPaint



"Wake Up! He's not worth it!"
I've heard this line from my girl friends a hundred times already. They always say that I always choose the wrong person to love. But is there such thing as "wrong person"? Is there such thing as "the right one"? I believe that my love would make them the right one and my love would make them worth it.

Let's remember, God loves us so much even though we are NOT WORTH IT. Not because of, but inspite of..

Now I feel sorry for myself for I am feeling I am falling away from God. I doubt His existence (again) and question the things that "He could've planned ahead for me". I have a lot of "what if, if, if, if He's existing, if He's not then why...blaaaaaa....)

I have only two options: to believe in Him or to cease believing. If I do, it gives me even the slightest comfort, if I don't it makes me feel more lost. So I'll choose what makes me feel better.

I don't know, I am just so lost. I cannot make this on my own, I cannot find the way home alone. I was damaged by the fall, but, still, here I am, feeling stronger, I must be invincible.


I am still keeping my roots firm, these roots are planted in the hands of God. He's the only One that I could ever trust. I cannot even trust myself! Humans - they are all broken and blind. Angels - not sure of them. Evil - never mind. I don't know.... *sobs... I don't know... Still, I pray...



God doesn't command what he hates to do
But why does He let these things happen to me? I'm not Job.
Are you sure He let these things happen to you? Or you invoked these things?
These happenings will make you stronger.
I am strong! What now? Do He want me to give up?
No. He wants you to hold on.
I am holding on! What now?
There's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Liar. The rainbow doesn't have an ending.
O_O .... blaa .. bla...


***

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

////
(Figuring it out - shot taken years ago)


They say wait for him, wait for it,
others say you just have to make a move.
As for me, I am waiting
And searching
At the same time
For someone
That would not just tell me
Things I'd love to hear
But for someone
That can truly save me
That can truly save my life.
I cannot make it alone.
I am so lost
in my own home.


***

Friday, September 11, 2009

////
Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Luke 6:39-42.
And he told them a parable, "Can a blind person guide a blind person? Will not both fall into a pit?
No disciple is superior to the teacher; but when fully trained, every disciple will be like his teacher.
Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own?
How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me remove that splinter in your eye,' when you do not even notice the wooden beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter in your brother's eye.

I partially agree with the gospel above. Sorry, I might sound bad but this is my opinion. I know I'm stubborn ;P . Oh well, "Can a blind person guide a blind person?". I dunno. But I always thought of - if they are both blind, and they are in-love, they could find their way together and help each other see. Together, they will develop their potentials and will try hard to remove their blindness. Together, they will succeed, together, they will fly.


Hay.. I've been searchin for "relevant materials" these past days. They say that they found peace and contentment with God, that everything has a purpose, that everything's going to be hoookay. Until now I search for the meaning of all these, for these happenings depress me bigtime. I searched for the promised light, I cannot see, or am I blinded already because I always see that light? I mean, I am used to the concept of Christianity and Catholicism already that it made me feel lost in my own home. O_O

Oh, snap...

Whatever.. I know... I will always love what I repeatedly hate and I'll always find what I always tend to lose - myself.



*grasps breath

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

////
Drawn in MSPaint


I find it hard to focus on things. I always catch my self staring blankly at almost everything. Everynight I dream of him, literally! He appears on my dream EVERY NIGHT for more than a month now. What's wrong? I always think of him, every day, every moment I remember him. But I do not love him no more. Do I? I don't know O.o Is it guilt or something? Or someone's cursing me? Doing some voo - doo stuff? Why is this? I am used with break - up, it 's a normal scenario for me coz I don't stay long in a relationship. It wouldn't hurt me that much anymore. I am not hurt anymore, it's just that I wonder why he keeps on appearing in my dream and why something's bothering me, something that I do not know O.o

My mood swing is getting worse, I'm losing my appetite. I tend to vomit more often now, my sickness returned. Those bloods keep on spilling again. I don't wanna see my friends, I don't wanna talk to my brother. I'm so disturbed. I need a psychologist but I do not know where to find one. I could ask my ex though where's his psychologist but he doesn't wanna talk to me ;P

Now... what now? I'll go back to work.. as if nothing is happening inside me, as if nothing, nothing bothers me.


AND SO I ASK "WHAT'S GOIN ON?!"


***

Monday, September 7, 2009

////
drawn in MSPaint
***
This is for no person in particular, I just love the idea it brings :)


***

IT WAS YOU


So it was really you, the guy that's full of hate,
the guy that's so bored with this life, the guy that I loved.
You are someone that's afraid to trust yet so eager to start to,

Someone that's sick of this life yet eager to enjoy every second,
You are someone like me,
You are someone that I used to love.
You are someone that pretends to be strong,

Although I know you are and you could be.
Someone that says "I'm used to pain"
But every slice kills you, unlike me.

Someone that's so hypocrite,
So stubborn, so poor,
Someone different, no one else is like you.
I wanted to be like you.
I never meant to change you
Because I accept you for who you are, for who you were
But I cannot accept the possibility
that you end there,
that you would just end there.

You are someone that's meant to fly
So how come you keep on crawling?

C'mon stupid caterpillar, it's time to make cocoon.


***

Thursday, September 3, 2009

////
drawn in MSPaint


I listen to every word you say
I hear the voice that calls me at night
But it wasnt you, it was me,
Im calling myself to do something right -
To give up the fight,
I should give up the fight.

I just wanna fuckin hate you
But every hurt you bring wont do
I'll do anything to just feel better
This may mean everything, everything.
why cant i fucking do?
why cant i hate you?

Tell me once again
Things that's easy for you to tell
Close the door, shut to my face,
Hurt me more, just hurt me
But I cannot hate you,
It's something I cannot do.

Don't worry I don't love you
Like I loved you yesterday
My life wont stop without you
Neither will it be better if you're here
Im just waiting for these feelings to die
The natural death.

Give me time to deal with these changes.
I just lost my 99.9% when I lost you
So don't think it'll be easy.
Dont worry Im not coming back
Just to feel you pushing me away.
Why cant I be so mad...?


***

Monday, August 24, 2009

////
Drawn in MSPaint

***

MAY 17, 2009 (see the post)
"Where am I? What am I doing here? Who am I? Who are you? Why are you here? Where will you take me? Why? Why? Is this true? If it's just a dream, it's the sweetest of all. If it'll stop just when I'm enjoying it the most, I'll go back to the dungeon, wishing no prince would ever save me again just to lock me in again. But then Im holding on to all the things he said. Until when would he mean it? I do not know. But it felt so real. If those were lies then, perhaps, lies are true. If I have to take these chances, I want to take these with you."

---

She cannot stand it anymore, she's falling out. It's 4 o'clock in the morning, it's starting to get light, but for her it's getting dimmer. Just the thought of him makes her confused and tired. So she texted him goodbye. She told him her formula goodbye words, "I never wanted to hurt you but now I did... blaaaa...". Now, she lives her life like she did before he came - cold and bitter.


I am starting to bleed, as he starts to recover.
I am starting to fly, while he still enjoys the crawl.
I am starting to remeber, while he forgets everything we had.


I lost you, but not as much you lost yourself and not as much as I lost mine. Friendship could still be instill in our dying bond. This is not to ignite any flame, but to make the days a lot easier, at least for me. Why be friends? Why not??


Until this day, dawn has never come your way. This is because you turned your back from the horizon. You are not in silence, you are in total doom. And I - am in my dungeon again. Hope to see you soon.


***
P.S. there are thoughts that has to be published,
or else it'll consume you..

Monday, August 17, 2009

////
Harder than you know
Drawn in MSPaint


After 2 months,
I attended a Roman Catholic mass again
Last sunday.

I felt more unsure of life.

By the time that we have to offer a "PEACE" to each other,
I held back, I really held back
Because I cannot say "Peace be with you"
Because I cannot give what I do not have
No peace.. no peace...


I have never been with the person that I really want
I've been with the people that wants me
But I don't want them enough.


I am tired of being what I SHOULD be
I just wanna be what I want me to be
But they will get hurt - mom, dad, bro..



I am lost.
And that mass just made me realize
How hard it would be to come back home.


Lord, are you there?

***

Friday, August 7, 2009

////

Drawn in MSPaint
***

It's better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all - St. Augustine


It's not how long we held each other's hand
What matters is how well we loved each other
It's not how far we travelled on our way
Of what we found to say
It's not the spring you see, but all the shades of green

It's not how long I held you in my arms
What matters is how sweet the days together
It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall
What matters most is that we loved at all.

What matters most is that we LOVED at all.
(And I hope that wouldn't end there)


You have to go and find yourself
Are you becoming someone you're not supposed to be?
Do you still recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you?

You say you're leaving me
As I look at you walking away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know i'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you (Until when? I already told you)

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time as I go somewhere
I picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

I can't get close if your not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
I can't fix you, i can't save you
It's something you have to do

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Or if you want me walk with you
As you look for your way home,
You can come back to me.




*the lyrics were modified to suit my emotion*
Credits:
What Matters Most - Kenny Rankin
Come Back to Me - David Cook


***

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

////
***


Ito ay kwento ng isang bata. Ang tawag ng mga tao sakanya ay "Ibil". Tama, siya si Ibil. Kakaiba siya dahil gusto siyang busugin ng madaming tao pero ayaw niya. Nag-aalala tuloy si Baterply sa kanya, kasi baka mangayayat siya at mamatay sa gutom. Hmmm.. Si Baterply ay dating kaibigan ni Ibil. Eh, bigla nalang sinabi ni Ibil na "Ayaw na kitang maging kaibigan". Pero si Baterply ay di susuko kasi sabi ni Ibil dati "Wag tayong susuko". Eh, sumuko na si Ibil kasi daw nawalan na siya ng gana.. Sure? Kilala na ni Baterply si Ibil. Pero mas kilala pa rin ni Ibil ang sarili niya. Pero alam ni Baterply na nawawala nanaman siya sa sarili niya. Masakit man tanggapin ang katotohanan may mga bagay na sadyang nakakabadtrip. Gusto pa rin tulungan ni Baterply si Ibil. Ngayon, mas naiintindihan na niya si Ibil.

Tingin ng mga tao kay Ibil ay ibil talaga. Pero may kukunting tao na hindi ganun ang tingin sa kanya. Isa na dun si Baterply,pati na rin ang mga pinaka malalapit na kaibigan ni Ibil na sila Andu, Bebotenga at Cheerwen.

Ayaw ni Baterply isuko si Ibil kasi gusto nyang wag sumuko kaya walang pakialamanan. Atsaka MATIGAS ANG ULO ni Baterply.

Baterply: "Haaay, Ibil, wag kang malumbay"
Ibil: "Leave me alone!"
Baterply: "Ay, waw, english speaking..Hhihi..."

Pakiusap lang ni Baterply sa mga tao, wag husgahan agad si Ibil. Di niyo alam ang lahat ng pinagdaanan niya at pinagdadaanan niya. Wag kayo loser okay? Haha.. Masaya si Baterply dahil atleast nakilala niya si Ibil, may pagka-Buloy nga lang talaga si Ibil. Hindi niya siguro naalala ang sinabi niya na "It's better to have loved than to never have at all". Siguro sa susunod na century malalaman na ni Ibil na dapat si Baterply ang kaibiganin niya habang buhay. Kaso lang baka mabingwit ng mangingisda si Baterply. Oh well, ganyan talaga ang buhay. Weather - weather lang.

Mabait si Ibil, mabait siya. Kung nawala man ang apoy na pumapaso sa kanya kay Baterply, wala na tayong magagawa. Hanggang kailan siya tatakbo palayo sa pag-ibig? Hanggang kailan niya iihipan ang dagat kung saan siya naglalayag at tatawagin nanaman niya itong bagyo? At kung mabasa niya ito, mainitindihan niya kaya?

Baterply: "Ohhhh.,.. Ibil, salamat.... Usap tayo ulet next time.. Dapat maging frens tau.. olryt? ^^,"

(Nalulungkot lang talaga si Baterply kasi lilipad siya nang di kasama si Ibil, may pakpak naman ERA si Ibil! Mas malaki pa nga pakpak niya kay Baterply. Wakoko ^^,)


***

Monday, July 20, 2009

////
"Sometimes"
drawn in MS Paint



"Ano?! Sumagot ka! Magpaliwanag ka! Sagutin mo lahat ng tinanong ko!", sabi Niya.

Hindi ako sumagot. Hindi ako nagpaliwanag. Hindi Niya rin naman ako papakinggan dahil alam kong galit siya, galit na galit. At ang taong galit, walang ibang naririnig kundi ang sarili, walang ibang nakikita kundi ang pagkakamali. Kaya ako'y nanatiling tahimik. Pinipigilan kong magalit sakaNya. Sa totoo lang wala na akong pakialam. Ganito na talaga Siya simula palang nang magka-isip ako.

Nanatili ako sa sala, nakaupo sa sofa. Nandiyan pa rin Siya, nagsasalita, kausap ang buong bahay na sanay na sa boses Niya. Naglakad - lakad Siya, kunwari'y nag-aayos ng mga gamit habang patuloy na nagsasalita. At kung ano man ang kanyang nais na ipahiwatig ay Siya lang ang nakakaalam.

Sabi Niya lumayas daw ako. Ngunit ako'y nanatiling nakaupo doon, hindi kumikibo dahil kabisado ko na Siya. Hanggang sa umalis Siya. Ilang araw din Siyang wala. Nakalimutan ata Niya na may mga halaman Siyang dapat diligan, mga halaman na tinuruan Niyang maglakad para lamang makita Niyang maglakad palayo sa kanya.

Napupndi na ang ilaw; Kulay putik na ang liwanag nito. At ako - nakaupo pa rin doon. Maya - maya'y matutulog na ako. Bukas ay mageensayo nanaman akong lumipad. May sarili akong mga pakpak, may sarili akong hangin. 'Wag nilang ipamukha sa akin na hindi ko sila kailangan.



***end***

Monday, July 13, 2009

////
My nature is to fly, my nature is to blow away. My nature is to doubt but then I believe more than I can say. My nature is to listen, my nature is to get tired. My nature is self- preserving. Would you blame me for who I am?
..

Sometimes I think that I think too much
Sometimes I feel that I feel too much
Sometimes it could've been too much
But it couldn't be any lesser.
Sometimes I feel I'm lost,
That I just want to come back home
But then I realize I am not,
My eyes were just closed
And my ears were just hearing the echo of myself.
Sometimes I want to believe
that these dreams would go on
when I close my eyes
and every second of the night
would just give me another life.
Sometimes...
I don't want to listen to myself anymore.



--

Decision Points
The Gift
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
Toy Story 3

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

////
made by me ^^,
**

I'm not going to post something relevant yet for the next few weeks because my work gets more and more demanding. Now, I am faced with real - world system development with professional team mates, having a team leader and a project manager.

Errr....

*** Random rant:

Suddenly everything's not the same now. It was just like an instantaneous rain that pours on me and wakes my hopeless hopes. He is the answer to my prayers, he might not know it but he's my angel, he's my little saint and I just can't believe he is mine now. I can't believe he saw something in me that others (including myself) failed to see. I can't believe he changed my view of love. Now I realize that loving couldn't be that hard. What's left of me to do is to love him until he wants me to, commit my next days, weeks, months and years to him. I love him so. Demmit, I can feel him though he's far from me. This feeling makes me miss him more. The way of loving him is just insatiable. rarz!

I just wanna be with him everyday of my life T_T...
***

Thursday, June 25, 2009

////
The mother

Her love is unselfish and enduring,
She's got that thankless job,
She stands though she's breaking,
Hides her tears and sobs.

She has the shoulder to carry the world,
The strength to endure childbirth,
Yet her arms are the most gentle,
That kind that gives perfect comfort.

But rejection comes to her more often
Even from her husband and her own children.
Thank God her ribs are desgined to protect
The very fragile thing inside.

She gets tired of caring for everyone
As much as she wants to, she complains not,
She taught her children to walk
Just to see them walk away.

She has the most weary heart,
Yet the best of all,
Even though she may cry
She should stand tall...

For the mother's breakdown
Is the empire's downfall
She gives light, She gives life,
Her love is the best of all.


*every day is mother's day ^^,

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

////
**
PLEASE CLICK PLAY
:)

I've been addicted to Facebook's graffiti lately. This application lets you draw anything that you feel like drawing on a blank page. Brush, in different sizes, is the tool used in making the graffiti. I used my mouse to control the brush but I think some uses light pens and graphic tablets or other tools for a better control of the brush. You may adjust the color and its opacity to give different shades. I draw there (in Facebook) when my work gets either a little too boring or a little too tiring. Haha

And oh! I was surprised to see that the application records the brush strokes I made! ^^,

Here are some of my works:










































[this graffiti is for my friend kuya Jerome, inspired by the song "Gives You Hell" by All American Rejects :D]
















PS: These are the latest.. I'll be making more of them soon!! ahhaha













Sunday, May 31, 2009

////
**all images are made by me***

There are lots of f**king things that people could lose control of. Name one? No, name hundreds - hundreds of them. I'll name some, you continue with the rest. *wink

Well, actually I decided to make this post because recently I am losing control of most of the things I should never lose control of. *sigh sigh sigh.

To start, my top one: cigarette smoking.

Last week I feel tensed because of some things in life (bla bla shit happens) so I decided to puff. "One cigarette a day keeps the tension away", I said to myself. The following days, I found myself looking for cigar already. I've been feeling that I-need-to-smoke feeling again. I used to smoke before but then I needed to stop because my lungs can't take it. I pity myself for always coughing blood that time. "I swear I need to stop", I said to myself 3 years ago. But now...I dunno.. I am drawn to Mr. Marlboro again. I think this is the consequence of the single puff I did some weeks ago. *sigh. What really disturbs me is the fact that I'm almost losing my control. Now, will I smoke (and let my lungs suffer) or will I not (and let my body feel super uncomfty)??? - The big question for me.

Top two: coffee.

This has been my addiction ever since the day I tasted a cup of it. I have to control my intake of coffee because it gives me sleepless nights and dreamful day (LOL, daydreaming). Hmmmm.. I drink for about 6-10 cups of coffee years ago. Gradually, due to self control, I lessen the intake into having just one cup a day or none at all. Hmmm.. But then, lately I felt like I want to drink 20 cups a day, that feeling makes me sick. *rawr

Top three: Alcoholic beverages.

Same story as previously stated: been there, then quitted, then I'm back again. I'm loving beer, rhum,etc..etc.. again. I want to feel the feeling of being tipsy again. Worse is, I miss the feeling of being drunk, that state where I hear myself say "I swear I'll never drink again". Haha.. Funny.. people are funny.. haaayyy..


That was all for me folks! I hope I can still control myself from nicotine, caffeine and alcohol intakes. Those were all bad for my vulnerable body,I'm a cursed sickly person. Goodluck to me in my war against myself, against my urge, against my wants. (I wonder how I'll win or lose *wink)



Effects of Nicotine on the Brain - Watch more amazing videos here
(video from Metacafe; http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1143506/effects_of_nicotine_on_the_brain/)

***

P.S.
However, whatever happens, I'm still okay. I have my Zin and that's all that matters.


***

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

////
(Title of the image above: The Wall. Yeah, I did it.. I vandalized the wall. )


You

You - electrifies my soul
Awaken my senses
Just the thought of you
Brings back the sensation,
The love - that love
I've been longing for
That only you could give.

Your touch that I feel,
Each time I remember
Those trite phrases
That we love to hear
Nothing else is better
Than you and me, together;
This aint going to be trite.

I was unable to conceal my mirth
The day that you came.
You - You lied when you said
"I am evil, I am evil"
For how come I can see your halo
That surrounds me everyday
Near or far, you stay.

I write, when it rains
And I sing, Coz it shines
And this feeling's so strong.
You - simple as it is,
Complicated as it could be,
I am in - love with....
You

**
[Author's comment: "sobrang cheezy and corny.. hahaha"]
--

Monday, May 25, 2009

////
-- Begin --
*Prerequisite: knowledge in MYSQL and MYSQL GUI tools especially MYSQL Query Browser (just so you could relate ^^,)

So, have you ever tried using MySQL GUI for structuring your database? If yes, then good for you since MYSQL Query Browser, Administrator, Migration Toolkit, etc. will make your database construction (and destruction) a lot easier than doing it with the console (MYSQL Command Line Client). However, it seems that manipulating foreign keys are harder using the MYSQL Query Browser. Personally, I've experienced a lot of crappy errors while trying to add a foreign key using the Query Browser. (#@*%$&*@#$*&$ crappy s#!t mySQL, are these bugs of the software? wtf?omgggeee!!!) [relax] ... ^^,

I don't know if those were bugs, I haven't asked the developers themselves (i don't have time for that, I need solutions!)

Solution: Follow these steps in adding the foreign key of your choice ^^,
Click the images for a larger view!

1. Open the table where you want to add a foreign key
(if you don't know what I mean then you're lost forever here). I'll use or database table 'department' to demonstrate the process. (Aww, I'm so kind.. haha)

2.
Add a field that will represent the foreign key in your table. For example, you will add a 'collegekey' field in your 'department' table. (This means that a department belongs to a college). Now, be careful of the data types. Make sure that the data type of the field that you want to be a foreign key is the same as the field that you will refer to.

3. Afterward, select the tabbed pane that says "Foreign Keys" in MYSQL Table Editor.
4. Click the plus/add [ + ] button below.

5. You should be seeing the Add Foreign Key dialog now that asks for the foreign key name. Never mind putting the name as it will trigger error in the process. ( this is not official, I just assumed it based on my experience)

6. In the "Foreign Key Settings Pane", select the "Ref. Table:" drop down list. Select which table would the foreign key refer to. In our case, I chose the "college" table since the college key is there. This is my reference table.
7. Then select the values of the Column and Reference Column into their right content. Be sure that the foreign key in this table ACTUALLY refers to the field in the referred column. You have the option to edit the CONSTRAINTS. (On Delete/ On Update: Restrict/ Cascade/ No Action/ Set to Null)
8. Apply Changes. If error occurs, don't panic, it's just normal. Don't try again by doing the same things you've done in applying the Foreign key constraint because same error will appear, believe me. Maybe you just missed out something here. Try to find the error ^^,


** haaay.. effort.. :D

-- End --

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

////
(The wedding cake of my teacher during the reception where she hired me as a photographer.. haha)

**
I swear I do love you. ^^,

This day is not like the other days of my life. Because this day, I started to trust you, to believe in you, to commit with you. I wonder what lies ahead but I'm not scared anymore as long as you are there for me, as long as your love remains, I am not afraid to take these chances with you. ^^,

Then, suddenly, I found myself singing a song that I do not know. (what?) Haha.. I searched the net about the song and found out that the title is "SUDDENLY" By OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN & CLIFF RICHARD. Well, I think it fits what I feel inside right now. Here's the video and the lyrics of the song:






SUDDENLY
By OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN & CLIFF RICHARD

She walks in I'm suddenly a hero
I'm taken in my hopes begin to rise
Look at me can't you tell I'd be so
Thrilled to see the message in your eyes
You make it seem I'm so close to my dream
And then suddenly it's all there

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

How can I feel you're all that matters
I'd rely on anything you say
I'll take care that no illusions shatter
If you dare to say what you should say
You make it seem I'm so close to my dream
And then suddenly it's all there

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

Why do I feel so alive when you're near
There's no way any hurt can get thru'
Longing to spend every moment of the day with you

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

**
(somewhat cheesy? or corny?
whatever you say, just enjoy the song..
hahaha! I was laughing so hard as I watched this video
haha, old school rocks! LOLz)


***

Sunday, May 17, 2009

////
Owkay, enough! Haha.. I was just laughing at myself. Instead of doing my work here, I just wasted my time browsing the net and reading blogs. I couldn't finish a single module! Haaayyyy! What a life. I am so happy, so glad yet so anxious and so sad. I have a lot of things in my head, yet none of them can be contained in just plain words. Ahh! there's one, the financial problem. I hope it'll pass away just like my dog in Manila did. And ohh, I am really tired of this work but I don't want to leave. The CARDS- they kept on warning me, they are cursing me, they are laughing at me! So imma burn them, to hell with them. Goodbye my precious cards. :(
But I'm happy, so damn happy. I don't know where will this take me. To the dungeon again?!!! I don't want to visit that place anymore, don't wanna feel the need to cut anymore! It has been so cold. Now that a glimpse of heat is here, I cannot afford to touch it. Why? Because Im scared, I've been so SCARRED. But then I said to myself, "Kailan pa ako natakot?". No, I've never been so scared. I don't give a f**k, I'm strong, I'm independent, I don't need anyone to be happy, I can be happy and satisfied on my own (what lies you have here, jet?).. But this time....but this time I think I am... SCARED? (What?! you are? wtf?)

Where am I? What am I doing here? Who am I? Who are you? Why are you here? Where will you take me? Why? Why? Is this true? If it's just a dream, it's the sweetest of all. If it'll stop just when I'm enjoying it the most, I'll go back to the dungeon, wishing no prince would ever save me again just to lock me in again. But then Im holding on to all the things he said. Until when would he mean it? I do not know. But it felt so real. If those were lies then, perhaps, lies are true. If I have to take these chances, I want to take these with you.

I'm staring at the monitor, but I don't see it. What I'm seeing is sunset... And.... *secret.. hahaha... Now I'm happy. He's making me feel better. But this sh*t in my head won't leave me. Wtf is this. wtf am I feeling. Wtf is this? Somebody explain.What is this? Innocent heart? I'm not, I don't have that. But...What is this? This is something I never knew before. What is this? What??? Why won't you talk, you d@mN monitor! Talk to me! f**k it, talk to me, I beg you..Where is Miggy? Where are the demm cigars? Oh, sh!+, I think I'm going crazy (again). Somebody stop me.. please..

{Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol}


-- (after this I'll start coding again, promise) --

*
////
***

If you remember how much you WERE hurt,
Would you still have the courage to love again?
If you said what you haven't said,
Will the words be the same again?
If the rain would pour into your face,
What do you care of?
And why wont you just stop asking
If ever you feel it again..
I LOVED you.




You told me "Past is past"
Okay.. so, if you lose me, you'll never have me back.
You lost me, you'll never have me back.

***