Sunday, December 5, 2010

Dipolog City Cathedral
Disclaimer: the photo is not mine. It is owned by setholiver1 you can view it here.

I can remember Aga Muhlach saying, in one of his interviews, that he wants to be a good shepherd to his children.I think that's what ALL parents should want. I can see parents now, especially the young ones, that forget their moral obligations with their kids. These kids know nothing when they were brought up to this world. They are just mirrors of their surroundings. If they see or do bad things, they'll never know how bad it is until you tell them. Parents should be a constant "behavior straightener" to their kids. Simple naughty things like spanking their yaya/nanny is NOT OKAY. Most of the parents, as I observed, ignore this stuff. They should always be aware that every little manifestation of bad behavior builds up to a greater bad attitude.

One more thing, parents should teach their kids how to celebrate mass. Bringing your kids to attend mass is very okay but it shouldn't end there. They should also know how to CELEBRATE mass. This is by behaving properly inside the church, saying responses, singing with the choir, listening to the sermon of the priest and trying to understand the message of the mass. Some parents/guardians ignore their kids when they play inside the church, running down the aisle and shouting with their playmates. They should emphasize to their kids that the church is not a playground. Playing there,   in whatever sense, is NOT OKAY.

I'm not a parent so I really don't know what it feels like and why do they fail in these things. But when I become one, I promise to inject good values to my kids. This will serve as their strong foundation when they grow old. When started young, good virtues will not easily fade. I swear I will do my best to be a good shepherd to my kids.


Friday, November 19, 2010


I've read a lot about love, have read enough about life and I realized that it takes an actual contact with it to really believe in such. Love – what is it really like? For years, I am convinced that I never knew what it's like. More than a relationship struggle, I had personal struggles and was always trying to fix myself. I was so in-love with no one else but me. But, still, I was so eager to share it with someone “worth it”.

Everything about it was just for the label. There is no such thing as love or life until you experience it.

I traveled this life alone, searching and waiting at the same time for that “someone”. This made me independent, strong and virtuous. I met some, knew some, wanted some but still there's something missing. Now, I am finally believing that there is really that “someone” who you feel will complete you and make you say that “Good things come to those who wait”. I'm drowned in this concurrence, it just feels like it's the first time.

Oh life, I'm loving it. Now I don't have to eat alone, go to work alone nor sleep alone. I don't have to continue living this life by myself, thinking about me and how to enhance my self. I don't even have to be used of being alone. I was independent and strong. I was a strong flower but now I feel weaker knowing that there's someone I can't live without. Nonetheless, I'm loving everything about this. This is my life now - My Love.

I'm keeping faith, I don't want anything to ruin this. I keep on praying that God will continually bless us and keep us together. The Lord is my strong tower. With Him, I surrender everything. If people will make the Lord as their point of reference in their relationship, they will be blessed. The Lord will help them to be together, forever, no matter what. That's what we are trying to do right now...and just feels right. :)

If your guy posts his feelings about you in Facebook, knowing that he's not that vocal with his feelings, then you must be one lucky girl.

I love my Xtiani so much. :)

Friday, October 15, 2010


I tried my best to be kind in every way. I did not provoke any war, neither did he. We're doing our thing smoothly and peacefully. I'm just wondering why.... Oh well.... The end of THAT chapter. Nothing about it is worth the talk anymore. Let's all move on. I'm thanking the crowd for welcoming me, I love you all. Rakenrawl :D

Here's a better chapter:

Happy monthsary my love,
thank you so much for taking good care of my heart.
I love you so much.

Let's do this for the taking ^__^


Friday, October 8, 2010


I don't want to think too much to the point that I do not know what I am thinking about anymore, so I'm blogging it. As always, this is my release, a proven therapy. I talk to walls, this is my wall.

I think I've felt too much about everything for the past months. I felt too much of negative and positive emotions.

People see that I am happy. Yes, I'm so happy. Having Xtian in my life is unexceptionably overwhelming.  However, I think the crowd only saw the happiness in me and failed to see my agony before. The agony of waiting, hopeless hopes.. you know, waiting for someone's not gonna come (or so I thought). They also failed to see his agony, too much of it to bear. But we have to bear it, together, because we know that someday we don't have to even think about it anymore.

It was all of a sudden.. but it wasn't at all at the same time. It exists - our story - it exists even before you thought it would.

What's just sad is the fact that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. I never wanted to hurt anybody. I am not really the reason of their break - up, I have to be clear of that. Theirs was already dying. It was on it's grave before I came to the picture. It will end anyhow, anyway. It just happened that I entered immediately into the scene. The start wasn't easy because we didn't want to create any commotion, we didn't want to hurt nobody but our hearts just cant hold back. "This is what I've waited for so I'll grab the opportunity to be with him. Who knows, I'll be dead tomorrow. At least I got to feel what it is beside him. At least I knew it was just like heaven, if heaven is like that. It's taking chances to something beautiful." - I heard my self saying.

Now, she blocked me in facebook. What do I expect? She was demn hurt. But in most way I want to offer comfort which I know she won't need, she won't want. I just don't want to hurt someone but this is life. She did it wrong, I didn't like the way she make me and him appear bad and lifting her self as if she's the victim. The people should know about this, we did not say anything hurtful and I don't know where she got that idea.

I hope it'll better soon. I've been praying for her to recover and if she wouldn't want us to be friends, at least she wont treat me as if I did something wrong to her that I should be sorry of. Because I never did anything wrong at all. I just loved, and there's nothing wrong with loving.

Now, all the readers may forget everything that I wrote above but not this one:
It wasn't easy for him. This story, our story wasn't easy to start. He felt bad, so bad. I just want to ask the crowd not to play with this story and make him look bad or whatever because he's no picnic himself. Don't make it hard for him as she did. The crowd doesn't know what she have said and done BEFORE. All of those things, he endured.

I hope everything is fine now. I know this post is too late but I can't help to put it online especially if I know the crowd should know something.

It wasn't easy, so don't make it hard for me or for him.

Thank you for all who supported us and who didn't judged us immediately. Thank you for all who didn't say hurtful words that aims to make me or him feel guilty. Anyway, we are not guilty of anything.

Peace on earth and goodwill to mankind. Rakenrawl.

The End of this chapter.


Saturday, September 25, 2010


I can't take it. No, I CAN. For you I can. It's hard to feel the pain of missing you.

I feel like there are thousand needles in my chest, making it hard for me to breath, thinking that you'll be away. We should be going to mass tomorrow, then we'll have our dinner together, then go anywhere, or just stay home. It doesn't matter as long as we are together. I can't bear the fact that I won't see you for 6 days, it's almost a week. Some may think I'm exaggerating but it's hard for me to survive the day without you - holding my hand, brushing my hair with your fingers, staring at me, teasing me to get me mad and making it up to me after. Almost a week, that thought freaks me out. I am strong, I know I can make it.. crawling, whining or whatever, I can make it. But I am not that strong without you. I never felt so weak, thinking that I can't be with you especially when I know that your 6-day leave can stir up something painful in my life. I can't help but cry. I cry because this is the only thing that I can do for now. I can't stop you, or even if I can, I won't do that. Your touch gives me strength but I think I have to deal  with this life, for a week, without it .Damn these tears won't stop from falling. I am still hopeful. God will never fail us. I prayed everyday to help us to be together forever, now He's giving us the opportunity to. Let's just trust in Him.

We've got plans, we know what to do. Let's just do it for the taking. I'll always be right here waiting for you to come back. I'm serious with our other plan, you know that. At first, I am not really sure, thinking that I'm just 21 years old and you are 24. We've got long years ahead, it's so doubtful that there are people who can make it. But this feeling is so strong, not even time could fade it. I was just thinking about my mother and father, they made it. So why can't we?

I love you so much. Whatever it takes, let's just hold on to each other. You'll always carry my heart with you.

*typing while sobbing, cant see the words, cant move a finger...


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Just like my interpretation of a dream, something in me has to die. I was not really sure what exactly it is so I thought that 'something' is my bad attitude. I think everyone should do that. My procrastination, unable to forgive easily, pride and vanity should diminish as soon as possible. But this morning, I added one thing on my list - my 'being too close'. I think it's a part of me, I'm being too close to some people, well, perhaps my friends, guy and girl friends, well.... But I'm just like that. I can be too close without really feeling anything. I know I have to cut it out. I'm no eligible college easy going floozy gurl anymore. Something has to die, something.. something.. And this is what you call beautiful death. :D


---- This song is awesome :P ----


Monday, September 20, 2010


It's late at night and I know I should get some sleep right now. I don't know why but I don't want to sleep because, trite as it sounds, reality is finally better than my dreams. I'm so happy with you and these five words aren't enough to prove how I really am. I am amazed by you, in everything that you do, in everything that you are. It's true that I tremble when I start to reach out for your hand. My body's shaking, it always feels like the world's in slow motion. And when I finally get to hold your hand (or your arm), I get the relief that, yes, you are, in fact, MINE. I cannot contain it, this is too much to be kept. Even my eyes can't hide it, I'm so inlove with you. And this, this love is all I've got. I've trusted you my heart. My plans are all about US. Please, don't tear me apart. Let's keep everything in God's speed to be assured that everything will turn out right for us. I don't really care if it'll turn out right or left as long as in this journey, I'm with you. It may get rocky sometime soon but everything is going to be alright as long as we have each other. We can always do it together. You, me, US.

Thank you for always making me feel special. Thank you for proving to me and to the world that you love me. Thank you for making me feel beautiful all the time. Thank you for not wanting to hurt me. Thank you for making me feel good about myself. I hope I do the same (and more) to you. I love you.

Yours and only yours, 

Friday, September 17, 2010


Monday, September 13, 2010




Happy 1st month my love.

I hope you realize how much I love you. This love means many things to me but at the same time it means one thing - You. I cannot elaborate more so that I could explain more that you have to believe that I'll be always yours until you want me to.You know I waited for you and you proved that good things come to those who wait. I didn't fall on disappointment, I was just so overjoyed. I've been waiting for someone like you, doing the things that you do, saying the things that you say and every little thing that you do, you do it best. For the past days, you did your best to show me that I could trust in your love. I hope you'll always feel that I'm doing my best with you, that I'm trying in every way to show you every day that I really love you, so much. I hope this love is more than enough for you to stay with me. We are young, our story is young too. I know it is so early to talk about forever but we both have long term plans for us. I am so hopeful, we always have God by our side so we are assured that everything's gonna be alright. I still have many more to say but not more than enough things to do to prove my love for you.

At this moment it feels like undying, unending, forever. Forever is a dangerous word so I think let's use the term 'a lifetime'. Let's make this last for the rest of our lives.

Seryosong post to.. haha... Char char naman! wushu... XD


Friday, August 27, 2010


I am not really vocal with my feelings so I put them all into writings. This is my outlet. I have to keep silent about everything that’s been happening. I already surrendered everything to the Lord, whatever happens I am assured that He is in control and I’ll always be pleased with that. I don’t exactly know what’s going to happen, I don’t exactly know what’s happening now but there are FEW things I am sure of. First, I love him. Need I say more? Even though he’s not the first one I loved, I want him to be my last. I know it’s too early to say this, I know there are rooms for change of minds and hearts. But right now I am very convinced that I’ll stick with him and we’ll work this out. Second, I just want to make him happy, to know that he’s happy, to see that he’s happy and to feel that he’s happy. As long as there’s smile in his face, as long as I give him peace that he needs, I will be here. I don’t want to make promises so I think I’ll just prove it. I hope the audience could wait until forever for us to prove it. Third, I don’t want to hurt nobody, but my heart just can’t hold back. It’s just so sad because I know what it feels like. I’ve been there, I felt the same and it felt like hell, I felt total darkness. What’s so sad is when you experience same thing and you realized you nailed yourself into the situation. That is just being so stupid and pathetic. And it’s sad when you keep on remaining stupid, it’s sad when you see people like that. They could’ve accepted everything silently and hopefully rather doing some crazy stuffs. If I lose my temper, it will piss me off.

Am I not being too kind? Am I not being generous? I’m doing my best not to hurt someone and at the same time to make him happy. I bet you don’t know what it’s like unless you’re in our situation. I know this wouldn’t be easy but I’m not one to complain. I love him so much to just give it up, just because these things are happening. This is so strong to just give it up, so real to just waste it all. I don’t want to waste forever. I hope this would end so soon. I am not that troubled with the situation, it’s just that I see all the pain he feels and I know I cannot control those people who inflict pain in him. If I could, I would do anything for them to just leave him alone, for them to stop it because it’s hurting him, for them to just f**k off.They're hypocrites, stupid, selfish, bitches, assholes. Need I curse more?

I am not afraid of anything except God. I am always ready about anything, bring it on. I’m eager to surpass turbulence. He loves me and that’s all that matters. He’s a part of my world, actually the most of it.

We are so eager to shout this to the world. But, honestly, the hell I care with the ‘world’. World means other people around us and I could just care less about them. All I care for is him.  It will take time. I am patient and hopeful. He said that he is, too. We’ll do this for the taking. We can do this.


Sunday, August 15, 2010


Seriously... But not literally. I just wished so.

We can do this. :)


Monday, August 2, 2010


I love it when someone asks me questions I can’t answer. That means there’s a room for pondering again. I think, I just think, pondering will make you a little bit wiser. I’ve been looking for my 1st Break – Up Anniversary letter file in my hard disk. Break - up anniversary! It's such a good idea to celebrate. XD I’m supposed to post it today in commemoration of my endeared break – up with Zin last year. You might ask, “Haven’t you moved on yet?”. My answer is, “I already moved on. Please rephrase your question in such a way that it can be answerable with just a YES or a NO. XD”. I don’t know how to explain this, but the lessons I’ve learned were more than enough for me to give this kind of tribute to him. AND! AND… I realized just now, just this afternoon, while walking my way home, that he wasn’t the one who gave me the lessons I learned. Actually, he, plain as he is, didn’t taught me anything. Who did? I DID. I was the one who realized everything, I was the one who learned through my experience. He was just a catalyst to my learning. And as I’ve read his blog, he never learned anything more than what he thought, what he knows, what he thinks. But it’s no big deal to me. I want to learn from other’s mistakes, from what they did and what they failed to do. System development gave me such thinking.

So where am I now? I don’t exactly know. But where I am now is exactly where I want to be, and I exactly know where I want to go. For months, after the break – up, I’ve been lost, I’ve been changing names so that I could forget myself, so that I could lose myself in order to find it again. For months, after August 2009, I’ve been seeing Zin’s light, the light of a DEAD STAR. For months after that, I thought I could always be there for him, but now I could just care less. For now, I can but just remember. I never regret anything. Moreover, I am thanking him for doing that because it made me open a door for someone really amazing. And as for that someone before Zin, I could just care less too. When I thought I’ll never be over him. It was just the same, everything was the same , they are all the same in such a way that they are all different. They say that looking back will help you see the future. I am clearly looking back now, I can clearly see where I want to go, I clearly know what to do.

So here is my anniversary letter. It may make no sense to him, but hopefully it makes some sense to someone else than me.

And what’s with the title “I smell you”? As I sit here alone in my room, I smelled him. I remembered just how he smelled. As in I smelled him as if he’s just next to me, felt him through the wind. Who’s “him”? He was the content of most of my posts from May this year till today. :D Why, what, when, where or how, pabor, I’m trying to know. What is this? Where am I? I am so stupid not knowing the answers! Whatever is it, let God decide, He is more reliable than anything or anyone in this world.

I do not know.
I lost my belief in love but still I keep believing,
I lost trust in guys but still I keep on trusting,
I’m afraid of giving my heart away but I can’t resist giving,
I always lose in this but still there’s no winning,
I see people fall apart but still I keep on wanting,
I always say “I do not know” but still I keep on talking.
Maybe “I don’t know” means only one thing:
I can’t explain further what I always try to keep on explaining.
Or maybe it means another thing:
I can’t say further than what I keep on saying.
Or another thing:
Please wait until I can articulate what I’m feeling.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Note: I used TAGLISH here. It is a slang ‘language’ which is a combination of Tagalog, our national dialect, and English, the world’s most used language. Why I used taglish? Because I feel that it’s better and funnier to use it for this story than just plain English. Para bonggang bongga, bonggavilla. XD

   Inisip ko if i-post ko 'to...kaso..sige nalang, ipost ko nalang..baka magka-amnesia ako, atleast meron akong mababasa to remind me of something. :)

    I was thinking where to start; maybe I could just narrate the events like milestones. But even milestones aren’t helpful enough to lay the sequence. It happened like this:

    Isang hapon, pagkatapos ng trabaho, napagdesisyunan namin na tumagay sa isang malayong lupain. Eh kasi naman, ewan ko anong pumasok sa isip namin. Basta gow, gow, punta sa malayo, sa may dagat, sa Patalon (it’s like an hour away from the town), para tumagay. Actually, ako, gusto ko talagang gumala at uminom. At kung bakit sa Patalon talaga, ay hindi ko exactly alam. XD

    Hayun, bumili kami ng Tanduay Ice. Well, I’d like to advertise Tanduay Ice, you gotta try it guys. It’s a new product from Tanduay distillers themselves. It’s a drink, containing 5% alcohol that tastes like Sprite with a pinch of Buko juice. What’s nice about it is that you’ll get to enjoy the spirit of the beer without even tasting it. I mean, you can get rid of the bitter tastes of beers. XD. Zalos, located in Camins, sells it for 34 pesos only, while in Catribo, the price ranges from 55- 65. I’m telling this to you so that you’ll be guided. XD

    Teka, where are we? Ahhh.. Yeah, just like what I’ve said we bought Tanduay Ice. After that we drove off to a beach resort in Patalon. I forgot the name of the place though I tried to memorize it. >.<

    Umalis kami sa town around 6pm. On our way, napansin namin na parang uulan. Eh, makukulit na bata kame, gow gow parin. Kahit na tanong siya ng tanong if gow parin, kahit na pinagiisipan ko if gow parin, eh tuloy tuloy naman ang andar ng motor, edi gow parin! Haha. Ano daw? Ang gulo. XD

    Ayun, naabutan kami ng ulan sa daan. Una, umambon, tapos umulan na. Ang kawawang driver basang basa sa ulan. Ako, paa ko lang nabasa, andun kasi ako sa likod nya. XD

    Pero in fairness ang ganda ng papunta dun enjoy na enjoy ako. Ewan ko ba bakit basta nagenjoy ako. Haha. Ewan ko if nagenjoy ba un siya papunta dun, kawawa naman, pagod na nga mag-drive, nabasa pa ng ulan. Alangan ako magdrive eh di nga ako marunong mag bike, motor pa kaya. Haha. Pero sabi niya nagenjoy naman daw siya. Weh? Di nga? XD

    Okay, so there, we arrived in the place gabi na, umuulan pa. Pero naabutan naman namin ang dagat, di naman un tumatakbo eh. XD. When we arrived, someone from the resort went to us to say that they are closed for the night. CLOSED! All caps! Eh ang layo layo ng binyahe namin tapos closed! Haleer, kuya, okay ka lang? haha. I told him na pwede bang pasilong muna kami kasi umuulan. Buti naman, mabait siya at pinayagan niya kami. So okay na.

    Kwento – kwento lang kami dun ng kahit anong bagay na mapag – kwentuhan. It was so relaxing. Idagdag mo pa ang paghampas ng alon sa dagat, ang patak ng ulan, ang malimlim na ilaw na bumabalot sa paligid, at kaming dalawa, sa isang open cottage, umiinom ng Tanduay Ice at kumakain ng Piattos. Ang bongga. Haha.

    Di katagalan ay lalong lumakas ang ulan. Pati upuan namin nabasa na ng ulan. Ayos lang, basa naman talaga kami, este siya pala. Tapos, nagBlack-out. Hayun, binalot na talaga kami ng kadiliman. Di din kami makauwi kasi ang lakas ng ulan. Bonggang bongga. Tawa ako ng tawa. Haha.

    Tinanong niya if may regret ba ako dahil tumuloy pa kami, nastranded tuloy kame. Regret? Ni hindi ko nga naisip un! Tinanong niya din bakit ako sumama sakanya, ganun ba daw ako, basta basta sumasama. Actually, madami  siyang tanong pero di ko sinasagot ng maayos, ung iba. Haha. Di ko alam kung naexplain ko ba ng maayos, hindi talalga ako basta basta sumama unless may tiwala ako sa tao. At hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ako sumama sakanya. Basta ang alam ko, sasama ako sakanya maligaw man kami sa daan, mabasa man kami ng ulan, at kahit alam kong meron siyang masasaktan. Ang bongga, parang tula. XD

    Ay basta, humahaba na ang kwento na to. Nakakaloka kasi. Hindi ko inexpect na ganun kasaya yun. Isipin ko palang na nastranded kami dun, madilim, totally MADILIM, umuulan, basa siya mula ulo hanggang paa, at ako medyo nabasa, napapangiti na ako. Eh kasi ang bongga, parang yung mga napapanood ko sa TV, nung may TV pa kami. Haha.

    Seriously, I had fun, super fun. It’s something unusual. It’s something that happens once in a lifetime. It’s something that I could always remember. :) . Sabi niya sana palaging ganun, na di na matapos ang gabing yun. Sa isip ko naman, sinabi ba talaga niya yun o lasing lang siya? O lasing lang ako? Pero dalawang bote lang naman ininom namin.haha. Sa isip ko, sana palaging ganun, na nakakarelax siya. Actually, sa aming dalawa siya ang mas may problema. Sa aming dalawa, siya ang mas malungkot, na hindi ko alam kung bakit. At di ko alam kung tama ba ako. XD. Pero sabi niya malungkot daw ako kahit nakangiti. Hindi niya din ata alam kung bakit, kasi di ko naman sinabi.

Nung medyo tumila na ang ulan, umuwi na kami. Iniwan namin kalat namin dun. XD.
The only regret I had is that, hindi ako nakadala ng extra t-shirt for him. :D

Nakalimutan namin maligo sa dagat! Pero okay lang. XD

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

 Welcome to my Arms
(drawn in MSPaint)
This is something I want him to say to me.

I've typed so many things in my laptop at home, planning to post them here in my blog. But I doubt if I really have to. I want him so bad now, it's not supposed to feel this way, I wonder what's going on in me.

If your home is where your heart is, my home is where you are, my home is here. But I'm losing direction. How could I be so lost in my own place. But wait. Your heart is not my place.. hmmm...maybe that's the reason why I'm so lost. I got it.

What do I do? I have to forget him. I changed my mind, I'm not giving up.. but I'm LETTING GO. I'm letting go of this hope, this illusion, this waiting. I'm holding on by letting go of him...

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you'll never love me  

Thursday, July 1, 2010



(Last Look - MSPainting)
This one is dedicated for that someone. 
I am already giving you up to that someone who really owns you
because you don't want me to fight for you, you don't want me to fight with you.

I fell upon this song that says:

You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.


Well, i don't know. .. I really don't know...
And, yes, I changed the contents of this post.
To all my dear readers, keep in touch :)


Monday, June 28, 2010

(Show me that good things come to those who wait - MSPaint)

It was a sunny afternoon when I came to see her. She looked at me indifferently, unintentionally recognizable, a scar from the past. We used to laugh together but now she won’t even smile back. But I have to stay here, silently, as the descending peak in the LCD took her a little farther away from me. The nurse came in to give her food and medicine. I must assist.

-    -    -

She wakes me up during mornings so that I won’t be late for class. That was during my 1st year in college – the time when I used to think that everything was just right in place. I am so glad I met her in the boarding house I resided. I can still remember the day I arrived in that house. I took a room which happened to be a door away from hers. Few months later, I decided to transfer to her room, she became my roommate. Funny how we get along with each other as if we grew up together. In time, she knew me, I knew her. She knew when I’m sad or happy, or pretending to be sad or happy. She knows where I go when I run away from the world – it’s in my room, with her and a bottle of beer or rhum. With a cigarette on our hand, we used to talk all night ‘till midnight, up to the morning light. We talked about anything, everything.

But then, change is the only permanent thing. There came a time when we don’t get to “bond” that much anymore. This started when she met him. She always spend her time with him and, of course, I shouldn’t disturb them. She goes home late at night so we don’t have enough time to talk about everything anymore. But it’s fine with me because I can see that she’s happy. She’s always in ecstasy. When she goes home, I can see a big smile on her face, she hugs me and hands me her pasalubong. She was so happy. Later on he became her boyfriend. I get to know him. Sometimes I go with them to roam around the campus. I can see how he cares for her and I’m happy about that. One time when we were talking, he gets his handkerchief and he wiped her sweat off from her head and neck. I think that is so sweet.

Days pass by, I got used to include him in my routine as she is so attached to me, I am attached to her and she is attached to him. The three of us usually go together. He used to text me especially when had a fight, I used to help them make up.

I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know where it started. Years gone by and I saw them falling apart. Even if I should accept that it is “normal”, it’s hard to accept the fact that I saw them developed like a seed on a fertile ground and now I see them dying as if the ground wasn’t cultured and cared. Rainy days came to her. She always cries to me, telling me what she hates about him. They easily put up a fight, even with just small things. I always told her and him to just hold on, that they can get things fixed up if they want to. But it’s so hard to see him and his feelings fading away. I talked to him several times about not leaving her, she won’t be able to take it.

I can’t take it also. I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know where it started.

They broke up. I tried to convince him to patch things up with her but he doesn’t want anymore. It doesn’t matter who’s fault it is, he doesn’t want anymore. I saw in him that he really meant he doesn’t want anymore. But our friendship was still there. We talk sometimes, text sometimes, he calls sometimes. He asks advice from me, sometimes. He’s trying to cope up.

But she – cannot, would not, do not. She grew weary and shattered. She’s always drunk, smoked more often, cries more often. We always fight because she doesn’t want to stop going out with her other friends only to get drunk. She gets mad at me because I reprimand her, I get mad at her because she doesn’t want to be reprimanded. We won’t talk for days after the fight but then afterwards we’ll be okay. But it became a cycle of fight – silent treatment – okay situation. I don’t see her more often that time, although we’re still renting the same room. She’s always with her other friends to “have fun”. I realized it’s not good when broken hearted people come together in the same room to drink and talk. They will all look and sound stupid.

One night, he went to the boarding house to hand me his paper to be submitted to his teacher. It’s a favor he asked since he’ll be out of town the next days. I didn’t tell her about that but, still, she happened to know. When I went back to our room she asked me “why are you so happy?”. I stopped and realized I was smiling. 
“I don’t know”, I said.
“You are happy because he went here to talk to you”, she said trying to stop herself from getting mad.
“Yes you do! Yes you are!” she shouted at me.
“What’s your problem? Why do you shout at me?”
“You talk, you text, he calls you!”
I am silent.
“Then he went here to see you!?” she said, impatiently waiting for what I will say.
“He asked me a favor to give this paper to his instructor”
“Oh, great! Of all the people, why you?!”
“You know he doesn’t have any other friends in school other than me and his wasted barkadas. You won’t entrust your papers to your wasted friends, do you?”
She threw her hands up and sighed.
“Don’t tell me you’re getting jealous of me?” I asked.

She didn’t answer and walked away. I don’t know where she’d go, I don’t want to know that time. I was getting tired of coping up with her while she’s drowning in her new self. We used to be okay after we fight but this time it’s different. We still talk but we know there’s a great boundary between us already, we’re not comfortable of each other anymore. Our room seemed so dark and full of tension. Then, I decided to find an apartment. I told her I need a bigger space because my parents are coming to stay. It was a half – true reason, I need to leave her to see if she’ll come back to herself again. I cannot help her find herself anymore, it is something she must do alone.

I moved to my new apartment. We didn’t talk. I lost her.

    I’m counting the months that passed by, I still lost connection with her. But not with him, we go out unexpectedly sometimes. I always see him in restaurants, beaches, some places without the intention of seeing him. We don’t talk about her anymore. He doesn’t know we’re not in good terms.

    I don’t know how it started, I don’t know when it happened. I feel drawn out to him, I can feel he’s drawn to me too. I feel he’s stopping something… and that something is exactly what I am stopping too.

    Months gone by, we could be seen together in the campus. I know this reached her.

    One night when we are about to go home, we talked. He told me how he felt and how he’s stopping the feeling of falling. He told me he cannot defy gravity anymore.
    “Don’t you think there’s something we should do?” he said.
    “What is it?”
    “I think we should be together.”
    “I do not know… but please, not now.. you know that I’m your ex’s bestfriend, I don’t want to add the hurt she’s feeling…”
    “But you feel the same as I do? Do you?”
    “Yes, I do… but…”

    But that time I do not know what to do. I want to move away from him but I got myself so attached, and what’s worse, or best, he got attached to me too. It was like two papers glued together. You know what will happen when you try to separate them, they’ll be tearing apart.

    Time came when I heard she had a new boyfriend already so I tried to contact her. I met her in a restaurant unexpectedly. I went to her to have a talk. I can see she was so awkward to me.
    “What do you want to talk about?” she asked.
    “Nothing… I just want to be cool with you”
    She just smiled sarcastically, I see she don’t want to talk to me.
    “Why are you like that? Haven’t you moved on?”
    “I am moving on, but not with you.” She said, ended with a period.

    Days, weeks, months gone by. I heard she’s living with his boyfriend in the same house. I often see them together. I also heard she’s pregnant already but I didn’t confirm it. I know it was just a hear – say.

    One night I was with him, having dinner in my apartment.

“Don’t you think…. That it’s time now for us to be together?” he asked.
“But aren’t we together?”
“Yes, together, but miles apart. You are always with her, thinking about her, thinking about what people will say. She has someone new now, don’t you think it’s time for us?”
“I do not know, you know that..”
“I know! For god’s sake, I know! You always say that – you are my ex’s bestfriend, so what? She doesn’t even want to talk to you anymore!”
“I do not know.. she’s still hurt..”
“But what about me? I am hurt too, I’m so hurt that I can be this close to you but not close enough. Don’t you realize you’re hurting me?”
“I do not know.”
“What do I have to do to make you make up your mind?”
“I do not know.”
“Do you want me to leave you?”
“Yes, leave me…”

I do not know why I said that, I don’t even know if I meant that, but I think it’s what I should say. He left me. I cried. Months gone by, he graduated from college. Years gone by I graduated too. I haven’t heard of him anymore. Those times, I thought of just going through the day, that I just have to survive day by day. I have to try to live a normal life though I’m breaking apart. I do not know who I was, what I want, who I want, what to do. In times like these I used to run to her with a beer or rhum and she makes me feel better, gives me advice and I’ll be fine thinking that I won’t be alone. But now I’m so alone.
I worked after graduation because I’ll be lonely doing nothing.

Three years later, surprisingly, or expectedly, he went back to me. I can hardly recognize him; he can hardly recognize me too. We changed, a lot. We talked, we go out, we went to a vacation. I realized I missed him so much, that I really loved him and I still love him.

One night, on the balcony of our resort, he asked me:
“Don’t you think it’s time for us to be together?”
“I do not know”, I said.
“I can’t believe you still answered the same.”
We went silent.
“From now on you are my girlfriend and the next month or months, you’ll be my fiancée.”, he said.
“What?!”, I exclaimed.
“We are not getting any younger, I don’t want to waste my time away from you”
I can see that he was serious. I didn’t say “yes” to what he said but I don’t want to say “no”.

So, as what he said, I became his girlfriend. Months passed by and I became his fiancée. He brought direction to my life, he made me feel alive. That’s when I realized merely trying to survive in this world is a lot different from living in it. And life lived with him is the best life I know I can ever have.

The time came when we are a little bit older, a little more closer, a lot more together.

Then, just then, we heard of her situation. She’s confined in the hospital for having breast cancer, stage 4. I know this is gonna happen, I know her illness even before and I cannot let it happen without me being there for her.

We went to the hospital to visit her. She gave us that indifferent look as we walked to the door. I always visit her, every day I am there to watch over her as her husband is at work and their 2 – year – old son stayed with her husband’s mother.

    “You know… nothing’s really between us and him that time..” I told her once.

    I told her what happened between us but she remained silent. I can see in her pale face that she’s listening but is already tired.

    “Please… talk to me…” I said, then I cried, I cannot stop my tears anymore. There’s no comfort for the dying, but there is more than none for those who they will leave behind.

    Her tears fell but still she don’t want to talk to me. But I have to stay with her till the end. I have to be there.

    And so I was there by her side until the end of her life. I saw her dying, I saw her gave up the struggle to live. It was a very painful sight. There were full of tears in the room. Her husband, parents, other relatives and friends were there. At her dying moment, she called out to me without saying a word. I went closer to her, she hold my hand, smiled at me and pulled me closer to hear her whisper.

    “I am sorry for everything, thank you and I love you my best friend...” she said.

    Right then she closed her eyes, still holding my hand. It was more than a minute then I heard the LCD sound. That sound was an indication of mourning for all of us in that room and all of those outside the world that will know that she’s gone.

    But she won’t be gone to me, she’ll live in my heart. I am happy to see her happy at her last minute. I am happy she talked to me again, I am happy that I realized I did not lose her, I gained her. She needed me and I stayed with her even if she’s pushing me away. I need to be with her, she’s my one and only bestfriend. I will forever miss her.

Friday, June 25, 2010

and yes, I could say that to you if you ask me to.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010





Ay nagbibilang ng araw sa talaarawan
Na walang ibang ginawa
Kundi ipaalala sa akin na
Pwede kitang pagmasdan.

At hanggang tingin lang.

Ay ibinabalik ang mga araw
Pati ang bulaklak na nalalanta na
Ngunit ang pagtapon ay 'di ko kaya,
Parang isang sayaw,

Ngunit ako lang ang gumagalaw.

Pati ang langit, tahimik
Pilit na iniiwas ang mundo
Sa gusto kong magmay-ari nito
Dahil alam kong isang imik -

Pagnanasa ko'y magbabalik.

Ako - ang kabuuhan ng taong ito
Damdaming tumatangis,
Hanging dumadaplis,
Isang palaisipan sayo.

Ako - tumatangi sa iyo.

*This is a Tagalog poem. Tagalog is our national dialect in the Philippines. If you want to understand the poem please seek the aid of Google translate :D *

Friday, June 18, 2010


If you could really hear the sound
Of silence whispered so loud,
Yes, so loud you cant even hear it,
So loud it may even break my heart.

If you could read the lines of letters,
Where shores could be the only way,
It gathers not what I could say
When I feel like going away.

If this is so frail, this is so weak,
This is so strong, so strong, I cannot speak.
On uncharted sea I left to see,
You may never have been thinking of me.

How can I defy gravity?
When you move away, I feel dead,
When you come closer, I die,
When somewhere in the middle, I survive.

But where I am is not enough.
I just want to be with you.
But where you are is somewhere I cannot go.
But I swear this feeling is so true.

I'm so in - love with you.

*One of the worst thing is reading everything but missing the point of what you read.*
*He doesn't know what it's like not knowing if I ever cross his mind*
*sh!+ these crappy things...

Sunday, May 30, 2010

 (My Own World - drawn in MSPaint)

I just can't resist to post. I've been writing everyday yet not posting them because there are things that should be kept... but still there are things that are too much to hide.

For my dear readers, let me keep you updated of what has happened to me (inside) for the past week (in case you want to know :P). I haven't slept a normal and sound sleep for the past days (again). I know what's happening, this always happen in times like these. When you are full of chaos, questions and frustrations that you try to supress, your sub - concious will suffer. This will make you sleep less, talk more and do more without thinking the things you say or do. Also, be careful of hiding and trying to stop your feeling towards somebody. What you try to convey may be different of what they percieve you do to them or on how you treat them, you might be misunderstood and misinterpreted.

I've been listening to too much love songs too. What happened to my rock and roll? I don't know.

You know, sometimes, some people are like roses. The more you want to hold them, the more you get thorned. Sometimes, some people are like cactus, the more you come closer, the more you get hurt. As human, our first impulse is self - preservation: move away, go away, run away, you don't want to get hurt, do you? If thinking about someone would hurt, the question of strength is not in trying not to remember..but in how much you could accept reality everytime you remember.

Yet still, we pray this would end but at the same time we know that we don't want this to end. Especially if this keeps you alive.

If my words are hard to understand that means I tried to open up to the world yet I try to hide something from it.

Pardon me, I just feel stupid. I changed a lot but I still stay the same.

By the way, the MSPaining above depicts my world. It's for you to judge.

Work - should I stay here or should I go? It's yes or no. It's now or later. We make decisions in life. If we feel that it really feels right, we should be sure that it does really feels right, not driven by our selfishness. But before doing major decisions, we should ask guidance from above, He knows better so let your ears hear Him. Whatever our decision is, we should stand for it..unless we feel that we shouldn't.

I do not know. The more I think, the more I get confused. I've written a thousand lines, yet a more to come. It's has been like this - I can't stand up but I can't fall down..coz there's somewhere in the middle of this.

Life - it's just like this. Atleast for now I see improvement in me. It's hard to change... but it's harder if I stay the same.

Family - it's just like this.

Friends - it's just like this.

Love - it's just like this. Always like this. Situations change, but ironically it's still the same, just like this.

Money - see you soon.

Manila - I miss you.

My workplace here - please don't make me too much happy and contented, I'm finding it hard to go away.

To all the love songs and nightmares that accompanied me for the last days, thank you and please give me a break.

Less sleep, more work, more heartaches, more "house problems" and financial problems - how do you expect me to be?

Monday, May 24, 2010

This isn't supposed to be a poem. It's my heart speaking at me and my mind telling my fingers to type.

We never learn.

We know that after the feeling of falling is a big bruised mark in your heart.

Yet we continue.

Because we shouldn't teach our self not to love.

But we should learn that once we do,

We should give everything that we should,

And learn to control not to skip boundaries.

If you don't want this to start,

Don't force this feeling to end.

But even if you do, it may happen still,

Because we glued ourselves

On something dangerous

Yet real.

Mood: confused. just when I'm about to go, I findin' it hard to resist the reason to stay..

Monday, May 17, 2010

(MSPainting ongoing)

I wonder if you think of me
As I do think of you
As I did last night
As you appeared in my dream.

I wonder if the shadows will leave,
Leave me in my darkest minute
As you did to me,
As I never did to you.

I wonder how to end this
I wonder if it ever will.
I am different, I'm alone,
Because I'm still here.

Monday, May 3, 2010

(That's me.. pic taken by my friend, edited by me XD)

Exposed from the diary of a guy friend:

This should start with a date. May 1, 2010. This could’ve been another busy day in this resort if the president did not move the Labor Day to Monday.

I do not know where to start describing her. Will it be the moment she arrived in this island? She walked through the sands to get to me – to get a room for her stay. Could it be her ordinariness that made her extra ordinary? I thank God that I had the chance to talk to her and know her more. If not, I would’ve lost more than half of what I should have in this boring island, where I have to work, and work, and work…

As usual I was on the counter that day to monitor the flow of customers. As usual there were girls, pretty girls, which check in this resort, but usually they are with their boyfriends/ fiancées/ husbands/ family. This girl caught my attention for she stayed alone in this resort. She took the single room at one of the most secluded place in the resort, most lovers love that place. The first day she arrived, she went out to the sea and took photos. I was just staring at her, looking at her legs, her cute face, well, most guys do that. But at that time no extra – ordinary feeling was upon me.

Then I thought of: “Maybe she went here alone to find someone to be with. Or perhaps, we could be friends, or play to the sand, play in this resort… maybe she could be a good friend…”.

So I tried to come closer to her. No extra – ordinary moves, no butterflies in my stomach. I came to her as she was watching the sunset on her first afternoon in this island. I handed her a souvenir item and told her that we give those kind of stuffs to all customers we have. Then she looked around and realized I lied. I gave her that item just to talk to her.

“You love to take photos?” I asked.
“Yeah…” she said.
I see that she’s very awkward to me. I see that she’s not like those  other girls that dig me when I come closer to them, that engaged me with a conversation just to be with me until night.
“You don’t trust me, do you?” I asked her after the sun set into the ocean.
“Ofcourse I do, you’re the owner of this resort, I can’t think of anyone to trust more than you..” she said with a smile.

I insisted to her to have a dinner with me in our resto, my treat. But she doesn’t want that kind of treatment, but I insist to let me treat her that way. Surrendered, she let me. We talked. But no matter how many things she say about her, there are still mysteries I see in her that she won’t unfold.

She told me about her work, about her views in every subject we fall upon. She likes computer games, PS games, helicopter toys and skateboards. In fact, she said that she skates a little. She also like barbie dolls, music, guitars, pen and papers.

After dinner I brought her to the light house. It was one of the most romantic part of the  island, for me. Then I realize to myself that I was digging her, I wanted her to like me as much as all guys want all girls to like them. We talked about love life, her views with love are so practical yet fairy – tale like, fantastic yet boring, real yet day dreaming. She is so confusing, I cannot understand her. She realize that I can’t understand her views, then she told me: “You spend so much time understanding me than verifying my thoughts. You don’t have to believe in everything I say..” and she smiled. We spent almost all of the night there.

By morning, around 5:30 am, I saw her going out of her room so I hurried myself and go down to catch her.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To the end of this island..”

“Can I come with you?”


So we walked to the sands to the end of the island. I do not know what’s there that she wants to see in this time of the day. I’m starting to be convinced that she’s really weird.

She took photos; she captured the sunrise, the rocks, and the birds. She loves birds because they can fly. She took photos of me, and of us.

I remember that time when she was facing me, our elbows on the sand, her hairs danced with the waters that reached the shore. I touched her hair that danced on the shore but it did not move her. She was telling a story that time, that I could not understand, but I pretend to listen. She seems to be an angel that’s talking to a mortal, her words are the things I cannot comprehend, they seem to be heavenly. What I did was to appreciate this moment that I’m with her.

We spent the whole day together though she’s asking me to go back to the cashier and watch over my resort. I told her that’s what I’ve been doing my whole life here, and I want to treat that day as a day – off for me.

The next day too, was a day off for me. I can’t get enough of her. She laughs at my jokes, she engages to a conversation with me, but I just can’t know who or what she is. She’s still a mystery. She seems like a gift that I’m dying to open to see what’s inside, I know there is more, I know there is more of her that I should have.

I should’ve not asked her this but I think I had to.

“When are you going back home?” I asked, calmly.


I was frozen by a moment, staring at the sand as we sat under the tree. For a minute or two, we didn’t say a word nor looked at each other. I understand she has to go back very soon, her work is very important to her, she cannot leave it for a week or more. Three days, that is. We spent three days together and I know no one would agree that it’s enough. Stupidly, I asked:
“Can’t you stay a longer? You don’t have to go home”

I mean it. She doesn’t have to go home. I can give her everything that she wants. She doesn’t have to work, I will give her money everytime to send to her parents, I will buy her all the clothes she wants, all the accessories she finds cute, everything that she asks for. But then I asked myself, “What am I thinking? What is this? Why can’t I just accept that she won’t be here for long?

I’ve had enough from girls, they loved me, they hurt me, they get my money, the made me happy. I met so many girls, ladies, women and the like, they are all the same – they want to be different. This feeling isn’t so unfamiliar – I am falling in-love. She’ll be the 28th girl that I’ll fall in-love with.

But I insist this is extra – ordinary. She makes me crazier, even crazier this time. I have to stop this feeling but I remembered what she said: “Your heart is like a rubber ball… if you hold it down, it’ll spring back..

It is springing back.

She went to her room that night, I went to mine. I cannot feel that she is saddened by the thought of our parting. I could’ve went to sleep if the electricity did not went out.

Black out.

I hurried to her, bringing lighter and candles. She thanked me and lit up those three candles, without even realizing why I brought 3. I have to tell her how I feel.

“Amber… I have to say something” I started.

“Yes? What is it?”

I gathered all my courage. My gawd! It seems it’s my first time!

“I cannot afford to let you go.. I mean…. “

I told her everything. I poured my heart out. I told her that she’s exceptional, that I always think about her every day, that the thought of not seeing her tomorrow and the next days of my life breaks my heart. I told her that I’ve fallen, I told her everything.

She was just calm and comforting. She says she likes me too but she cannot leave her work. And she said that I already know her plans, that she’ll be going to Manila to pursue her dreams, that it’ll take long, if not impossible, for her to come back to this place. But she also said that what she’ll love doing, she’ll find time doing.

But it is still not comforting even if she says she’s going back. What if she’ll meet a guy out there? What she felt for me is not that strong, she cannot hold on to that, I know. I want her to fall in – love.

I told her I want to hug her.

“Go on, then…” she said.

I hugged her. I hugged her with the greatest hug I’d ever give. I hugged her like there was no other woman was held in my arms. I hugged her like it’s the last time that I could ever hug her. I cannot feel that she feels it. How could she be so numb?

I can’t take it.

My eyes won’t hide it anymore, I cried. Tears fell down my eyes without even knowing to stop it. I don’t want to be seen this way – at my weakest point.

“Why are you crying?” she asked.

I told her again everything. Why does she have to be so numb? I’m crying because she’s going to leave me. I’m crying because I don’t have the right to stop her from leaving.

She took me by the bed. We were there sitting. She talked, facing me. Again, this familiar feeling, that I cannot comprehend what she say though I hear them. My focus was on her lips, those lips of an angel that’s talking to a mortal, saying something that will make me empty.

I have to say it.

“I want to kiss you…” I said.

I saw that she was a little bit surprised of what I said.

“Then… kiss me..” she said.

I kissed her. That was the beginning of a very intimate night. I held her in my arms; I savour everything about her as if it was the last. We get ourselves naked of all the possibilities in this world. We forget this world just then. At last I felt heaven, that I was not on Earth anymore. When you are with an angel, you won’t expect less than heaven. I took every chance to explore the wonder of her body. She’s very erotic and fun. She can really get me weak by her passionate kisses, by her caresses, by her lingering touches. But we did not get to the point of destroying her womanhood. That’s something I would not do. I wouldn’t want the angel to bleed. When I told her about it, she was heightened. That’s it, she’s falling in – love. She loves my respect towards her.

We shared our physique the whole night until we fell asleep.

Sleep. I don’t want to do it right now, but I think I have to.

I held her in my arms while she was sleeping.


Total darkness.

Then I woke up. It was already 8am. She said last night that her flight would be this morning, 10:00.

I woke up. I do not know if I should be thankful that I did, or I’ll regret that I just did. For when I woke up she wasn’t there by my side anymore. Her things were not there anymore, too. At that moment I know that she’s left.

I felt like crying. I want to go to the sea and drown myself. But if I do, I’ll never get the chance to see her again.

It was a very typical day in this resort again. Customers checks in, customers check out. I’ll watch over the counter by day, do the audit of income by night and think about her throughout day and night. If I look at it the way I see it before, nothing really changed on the outside, I am still me, I still look like me. But I feel different, I feel like superman.

I have to find her. I have to go to her place. I don’t care what happen to this resort, she’s more important than this, I’ve let so many girls in exchange of this place, but not Amber. I have to find her and court her until she decides to be with me.

When I find her, it wouldn’t be a happy ending. I don’t believe that true - love - love - stories doesn’t have a happy ending because I believe it doesn’t end.

I have to find her. And when I do, it won’t be the ending. It would be the beginning.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


After watching too much documentaries from History Channel, I am inspired to write a book entitled "ANGEL OF GOD". It would be a story of EVERYTHING in a perspective of a lesser angel which I do not know what to name yet. The book is a narration of this lesser angel who saw EVERYTHING from the Creation upto now. This angel has no power, no gender, cannot fly, cannot teleport, but can see EVERYTHING and hear EVERYTHING. Sometimes this angel talks to God about EVERYTHING and this is all that this angel can do - to talk about it. The only thing that EVERYTHING excludes is God's thoughts, how He thinks, what He thinks and what are His plans. No one but God knows about it.

I will include there about the FALLEN ANGELS. As I know it, those angels decided to go down the Earth and mingle with the humankind. They had intercourse with women throughout the world, of their choice, that brought forth Giants, real giants. Then they taught humankind to make weapons of wars. They also taught them sorcery, astronomy and other "high - end" knowledge.

In my book, I will say that these fallen angels were the one who taught human kind measurements. They talked to pharoas in Egypt to inspire the making of pyramids. Some taught the Greeks about mythology. They also taught the Mayans to make the Mayan calendar. They taught people to make statues of their choice to represent them and call them "gods" because they want to be praised. The Giants helped in building what now considered to be Ancient wonders like Stonehenge, Pyramid of the Sun (Mexico), and the like. These are the wonders of the world that no man can concretely explain how the ancient men were able to do such things.

Hmmmm,,.... This looks similar yet contradictory to History Channel's Acient Alien episode where there are theorists that say our ancestors were taught by aliens. For the book, they were taught by unearthly creature, which are angels rather than aliens. This thought is also similar as written in the Book of Enoch.

I can but just imagine how the things looked like in Ancient time in my story. They saw these angels fly, they mingle with them. Then God reprimanded these angels and outcasted them into the darkest pit called Hell. with Lucifer as their chieftain. Afterward, God revealed Himself to humankind, gave them instructions how to live life, gave them 10 commandments that the first one says : "I AM your God, you shall not  have other gods beside me".

But the lesser angel did not narrate EVERYTHING. It'll be just stuff about that....or whatever...

I can imagine how the book will look like, what are the contents and approximately how many pages it would contain. The only problem is I haven't started it yet and I dont know if I'll every start to write it... coz I always feel tired and lazy :P.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

(Cafe at Night by Vincent Van Gogh) -> i love this painting

April 19, 2010

9:57 pm on the clock (advanced 20 mins.)

Last day, my team leader and my former thesis adviser (who's currently pregnant) were talking about pregnancy. They described how it is to be pregnant. All I get are scary connotations from my team leader who told us about his wife's pregnancy. I cannot add up to the conversation because I cannot relate. But only one thing that comes into my mind - it was horrible. Imagine a baby inside your body! Bbbrrrr.. The thought of it paralyzes my spine.

Oh well, I'm so glad I'm not counted as one of teenage pregnancy case in the world, not a guy has ever touched me and I'm so proud of it. See, I cannot really understand those who "accidentally" makes a baby. For me it was a very selfish thing to bring a child into this world full of war and hunger, giving the fact that the parents are unprepared. But who am I to judge. I'm just so glad that not a man could fool me regarding that stuff. Oh, stupid men. Boys, guys, men - they're just all the same. They break your heart, makes you happy, break your heart and makes you happy, they could either make you or break you, a very boring thing, they're so predictable. I memorize their anatomy, I'm familiar with their psychology, and all I can say is that they're plain boring. But how I'd love them :P. It's unbelievable how they give their powers to women to use it against them. They're all like children, having a strong heart yet stupid.

Oh! I should get a sleep now. But I don't want to 'coz I know I'll be dreaming weird scary dreams again. My nights were just full of nightmares.. huhu... It's been more than a month now when I start to dream real bad dreams. It wakes me in the middle of night, sweating and feeling real scared. No kidding. Then I go to work at day pretending not a dream of grungy stuff ever occured. Sometimes I think I'm sleeping with enemies: my bed that bruises my muscles, depression, stress, confusion and hormonal imbalance. I think I'm manic depressed. :(

Oh well, gotta sleep. Joomla! seminar tomorrow. It feels so lovely to sleep tonight because it's cold...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

(Take me away scandiclove: an imitation
drawn in MSPaint)

Nothing significant here. If I have to write everything that I feel and think today, this post will contain a lot of crappy sh*ts and you'll realize how disturbing I am. For now, I don't want to think about anything anymore except about my hypocrisy.  I used to say to "people that needs fixing" that this world is a nice place to live in. But it feels so chaotic right now... But I know I'm the one who created my own chaos. But I love this. I find peace in this war - filled surroundings, I find peace in this turbulence, I find comfort in my own discord.

Sometimes I just want to run, but you cannot run from your own feet. I am like a root that wants to get out from the soil but I know if I do that, the tree that I carry will die. *Sighs. Whatever. For now I just want to be alone. I want this, I always knew what I want so let me be this, let me be alone, don't argue, I'm closing my  mind so that I can hear the echos in my head that I create. I'm sorry for those who don't like my decision to separate from the world. I want it that way because I'm ending the world as I know it, trying to make a better place.. or whatever.. okay, I'll shut up now.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

 (Somewhere in the middle of this - Drawn in MSPaint)
(I imitated Dishwalla's album art from Opaline)

When you're in love, your senses are always awake. It always feels that you're a superman, that you can do anything.

Even though you sleep at 2 am, talking to him on the phone about anything or everything or nothing at all, you can wake up at 5am still energized and ready for the day.

When you're in love you just want to do your best about your job, every single detail, you want it to be perfect because you want your love to be proud of you.

When you're inlove you just want to be with him everyday and if possible, every second of the day.

And when he is away, the distance kills you... But then it keeps you alive because you know that somewhere in the middle of it, he is there. You know that the only way to be with him is to take the distance (either you do or he does).

when you're inlove you'll get mad because he doesn't call or text the very moment you want to hear from him. But then if he does, everything's okay already and all you got is being more and more madly in - love.

When you're in love you dont tell him that you do and he doesn't tell you that he does, because both of you are AFRAID. That is so stupid and lame. But just let it flow, you'll get to the point when both of you are ready and it's all going to be alright, believe me.

True love conquers all, true love is faithful and eventhough you've waited for 4 years now, you're still willing to wait forever as long as you know that he'll be there too.

When you're in-love, you are patient and hopeful that he's going to wait for you and he trusts you that you're coming home soon.

When you're in-love you beg God to just make everything alright between the two of you, that no matter what you'll be together, that he'll be the one, the very one.

When you are in-love you give everything - and everything is your love - and your love - it's all that you've got coz it's all that you need and all that he needs from you.