Monday, August 2, 2010


I smell you


I love it when someone asks me questions I can’t answer. That means there’s a room for pondering again. I think, I just think, pondering will make you a little bit wiser. I’ve been looking for my 1st Break – Up Anniversary letter file in my hard disk. Break - up anniversary! It's such a good idea to celebrate. XD I’m supposed to post it today in commemoration of my endeared break – up with Zin last year. You might ask, “Haven’t you moved on yet?”. My answer is, “I already moved on. Please rephrase your question in such a way that it can be answerable with just a YES or a NO. XD”. I don’t know how to explain this, but the lessons I’ve learned were more than enough for me to give this kind of tribute to him. AND! AND… I realized just now, just this afternoon, while walking my way home, that he wasn’t the one who gave me the lessons I learned. Actually, he, plain as he is, didn’t taught me anything. Who did? I DID. I was the one who realized everything, I was the one who learned through my experience. He was just a catalyst to my learning. And as I’ve read his blog, he never learned anything more than what he thought, what he knows, what he thinks. But it’s no big deal to me. I want to learn from other’s mistakes, from what they did and what they failed to do. System development gave me such thinking.

So where am I now? I don’t exactly know. But where I am now is exactly where I want to be, and I exactly know where I want to go. For months, after the break – up, I’ve been lost, I’ve been changing names so that I could forget myself, so that I could lose myself in order to find it again. For months, after August 2009, I’ve been seeing Zin’s light, the light of a DEAD STAR. For months after that, I thought I could always be there for him, but now I could just care less. For now, I can but just remember. I never regret anything. Moreover, I am thanking him for doing that because it made me open a door for someone really amazing. And as for that someone before Zin, I could just care less too. When I thought I’ll never be over him. It was just the same, everything was the same , they are all the same in such a way that they are all different. They say that looking back will help you see the future. I am clearly looking back now, I can clearly see where I want to go, I clearly know what to do.

So here is my anniversary letter. It may make no sense to him, but hopefully it makes some sense to someone else than me.

And what’s with the title “I smell you”? As I sit here alone in my room, I smelled him. I remembered just how he smelled. As in I smelled him as if he’s just next to me, felt him through the wind. Who’s “him”? He was the content of most of my posts from May this year till today. :D Why, what, when, where or how, pabor, I’m trying to know. What is this? Where am I? I am so stupid not knowing the answers! Whatever is it, let God decide, He is more reliable than anything or anyone in this world.

I do not know.
I lost my belief in love but still I keep believing,
I lost trust in guys but still I keep on trusting,
I’m afraid of giving my heart away but I can’t resist giving,
I always lose in this but still there’s no winning,
I see people fall apart but still I keep on wanting,
I always say “I do not know” but still I keep on talking.
Maybe “I don’t know” means only one thing:
I can’t explain further what I always try to keep on explaining.
Or maybe it means another thing:
I can’t say further than what I keep on saying.
Or another thing:
Please wait until I can articulate what I’m feeling.

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